So right away I made an appointment with my psychiatrist and saw her last night. She has these really weird hours and my appointment was after 7:00pm and strangely when I got there, the office was PACKED. I wonder how late she takes appointments?
I found I misunderstood how much I should be taking of each medication she told me to take last time *again*!! She was baffled once more, explained it to me once more, and wrote it down for me...ONCE MORE. She said my panic attacks could possibly be due to the fact that I was weaning myself off of Prestiq since I was running out of samples, and that could be true. But she did not know that I did not have a prescription for it since she had faxed it in and I had not told her the pharmacy told me they did not have it on record, but that really is when the panic attacks started. That hadn't occurred to me.
She asked if I was "better". Well, compared to when I went into her office not that long ago and just cried and cried, and when I couldn't even comprehend a piece of paper and the writing on it, yes, I am better. I can function. But as I was driving there, I guess it was anxiety but I really thought I was going to throw up, I had no idea what I was going to say but knew how very important it was to convey to her I needed help.
So if the anxiety is "Prestiq weaning off" related, that's simple enough. I can now start taking what she originally prescribed and on the dosage I was feeling the happiest. She also upped my Latuda which I was leery of - my insurance company has been freaking out over that medication. She thinks it is because she wanted me to take one and a half tablets of Latuda because there is not one pill for the dosage she wants me to take. *I* think it is because the medication was over $1500 for a 3 month supply, and will now be over $3000 for the same time frame. We shall see when I send in the prescription what happens. I wish she did it electronically like my last psychiatrist - that was SO much easier!
She is correct in the fact that she has no idea what is working and what isn't since I am not taking the dosages she wants me take. I am doing my best, but my memory had been really, really bad. I would think that all of her patients get confused about what she is telling them to do because she just says it in a very confusing way, but actually, I think it is me. I have not been able to comprehend things for awhile now. I do think my memory is better though.
My therapist called and left a message yesterday (I knew it was her but wasn't ready to talk to her just yet) to check up on me, see if I wanted to make an appointment and see if I had gotten the results of my blood test. I had left a message not that long ago that I simply was unable to wake up for appointments and wanted to wait to be sure I could actually make it to my appointment before scheduling one again. Right now, I think I can. But...after increasing my medication last night, who knows? What if it is the medication that makes me so tired?
I do need to talk to her about school. One school starts in October and I need to get moving if I am going to enroll. I'm not sure if I should wait until I have this medication issue under control. I can't predict how I will be feeling or doing day to day. Yesterday I was starting to get bored for the first time in a long time. Doesn't mean I really did anything, just means *I* think it is progress.
For a tiny window of time, I had a little hope that maybe, just maybe, there was something wrong with me other than a mental illness. But no, it's true. I am "messed up in the head". I hear people say things like "bipolar is a SERIOUS mental illness" yet I don't feel it is so SERIOUS. That makes it sound like I'm dangerous or out of control, someone to fear, perhaps on lockdown or something. Perhaps I'm minimizing it, but all I know is who I am, my own experiences, I don't know anything else, so how can it seem so "SERIOUS" to me and not "normal"? I am of no harm to ANYONE, other than myself at times I suppose.
So we shall see. Day 1 of what I THINK, because now I don't trust myself any longer, on the correct dosage of medication my doctor has prescribed.