Martyrdom is So Overrated

It took about two days for that awful "drugged" feeling to go away after I increased my Latuda.  I can feel again, I no longer feel numb or drugged.  I don't sleep all day.  I *suppose* I'm in a better mood, it's hard to say.  I'm just kind of blah, but I really don't have anything right now to be excited about that is happening in my life or that I'm excited about in the future.  That's not because of my mood, there just simply isn't anything there.  I'm not depressed about that, nothing exciting at the moment is better than being depressed, so much better, so just...blah. 

Even with all of my emotional ups and downs the past few months, I have been *trying* to do what I can to make my husband's life at home as stress and worry free as possible.  His job right now is SO very stressful, he works so much and then is on conference calls and sends emails all weekend long, but at least he can spend weekends at home.  Most people he works with are not as lucky to be able to do that right now.  He had said he doesn't even want to think about what he wants for dinner as I usually ask him, so now I just decide and when he is driving home he will call me and ask "So what's for dinner?"  I normally don't like it when he drinks at all (at home with no reason, socially or when we go to dinner, that's different) as he had a problem for a short time in the past, but now when he has a beer or two every night it seems like, I am really just trying not to pay attention, I do not say a word.  I do not count how many he is drinking like I normally would but I am paying attention to his behavior and he seems to be doing fine with it.  I've tried to take on all I can at home so he will have little or nothing to do, which really isn't that much, but for example - he always used to take the dry cleaning to the cleaners and pick it up.  I arranged a delivery service that comes to the house twice a week so neither of us have to worry about it.  I've tried to think of EVERYTHING.

So when he does what he did last night, it drives me insane!  It was such a little deal yet it wasn't.  It was around the normal time he goes to bed and I usually go with him, so I take over the counter sleeping pills so I will be tired at that very time.  It's way earlier than I would choose to go to bed, but I just want us to go to bed together.  So I was tired and he kept seeming like he was putting his things up (hooking things up to charge, etc.) like he was going to bed.  I asked a few times if he was going to bed and he got really annoyed with me.  I actually can't remember HOW I was saying it, if I said "when are you...", but does it really matter?  Is that a big deal?  I think I just said "Are you..".  Finally he lost his temper a bit and said "I'm going to bed at 11:30, does that help you?" in a really snappy way, kind of angry.  What the hell did *I* do?  So I just went to bed, I was tired, I wasn't going to stay up that late although I would have had I not taken that medication.

I had just gotten in bed and turned the lights out and he came in and turned the light back ON and started getting ready for bed.  I asked him why was he going to bed.  He said because *I* wanted him to in a not very pleasant way, a begrudging way.  I NEVER said that!  I never implied that!  I never asked him to!  My WHOLE deal for months now has been to make everything easier on him, not to challenge him, not to argue, he doesn't need more stress.  But that pissed me off, that he would act like a martyr, that he would say I wanted something that I didn't ask for.

So he was brushing his teeth and I just let him have it, how I had been doing everything I could to minimize his stress and make home a safe haven for him.  How DARE he act like a martyr and that he was doing something he didn't want to because I was requiring him to do it!  Walk around like life was so unfair that he had to go to bed when he didn't want to! 

I went back to bed, he laid there for awhile and got up.  I asked where he was going and he said he was getting up, he couldn't sleep.  Well DUH!  I woke up when he came to bed and yes, it was 11:30. 

Maybe it was just pent up frustration I had. Maybe I'm not doing such a good job at keeping stress out of the home as I thought.

It TOTALLY would not be a big deal right now and I TOTALLY would not even be writing about it but it really irritates me that he would act like a martyr and that he had to do something he didn't want because I required him to.  ALL THE TIME I am saying do whatever you want at home, you need to relax, don't worry about me, whatever you need, and seriously?  He is going to play that martyr card on me?  When he acts like a martyr it annoys me anyway, I really, really hate that, but right now he has no reason to act that way towards me when I require hardly anything of him.

So that's it.  My life is okay at that moment.  Okay is boring, but also better than just being okay sounds. : ) 

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