The Latuda increase I took last night has me feeling quite drugged today. I absolutely LOATHE this feeling, of being "zombified", but it's not like a Seroquel or Geoden zombification, much different. My feelings are numbed and I don't like that at all, but perhaps right now that is exactly what I need. Also, this is only day one. I'm sure this is the most extreme I will feel it...right?
Even though my feelings are "numbed", that doesn't mean I am not going to get upset. One of the woman's daughters whose home I moved into when I was 16, one I have not spoken of before, not the one that hates me, posted these desperate things on Facebook, even saying she had recently and seriously considered suicide. Well of COURSE I was concerned! I haven't talked to her in years, but that doesn't matter. Anyone that low and is obviously reaching out for help, I am going to do my best to try and do something, anything, to help.
So I sent her a message saying so. She responded about how broke she was and in general, how miserable her life was, but it all seemed to center on money. Don't get me wrong, lack of money can make one very depressed. But I did not address money in my response back to her, I directed it back to her well-being. She again complained about money, and I didn't know how to respond and it had only been a day and I was still pondering how to respond when she sent me another message. Here it is, exactly:
You had said yesterday that if there was anything that you could do to just ask wlell here goes. My vehicle's tags are expired and I need to get it tagged, but Ihave to title it in NC first. The whole process will cost me about 350-400 because of taxes and transferring the title. i am beyond broke is there anyway on earth that you could loan me the money so I can get my van legal, Ican then drive to see my mom.
Am I being unreasonable in feeling used? How exactly is not having her van tagged making her suicidal? And it's not about the money at all, but her calling it a "loan" as if she is going to pay it back is just so untrue. I mean, I have not talked to this girl in YEARS, she hasn't asked how I am, I sent her an email years ago (because facebook keeps all of this!!) checking up on her, she responded, I replied, then nothing. And nothing since then. Her sister is even worse. She is pretty clear on hating me, until she desperately needs help moving, and suddenly she is very sweet and asks me to help move her across country. This is with a few days notice and she requested my husband's help as well to which he replied hell no, and I told her I couldn't. So...back to not talking to me. She was just using me. And their mother! I've talked about her until I could vomit, but after sending her emails asking about her well being and sometimes she replied but most of the time she did not and she never once asked how I was although I would usually be very concerned about her, I just gave up. I invited her to Chicago, offering to pay for a rental car to and from the airport to get there, pay for her airline tickets, said I would take her to her mother's burial site in Illinois, and nothing. She could have at least said thanks but no thanks with a reason, like I have no desire to go to Chicago.
Are they selfish and self involved? Or am *I* selfish and self involved for wanting them to show some iota that they care about me? Except for the sister that hates me, I feel like I have shown them I care, yet if it is reciprocated, it is not in a way I understand or see at all. I just can't imagine that it is there and I am not seeing it when there has been nothing that I haven't said here.
I am not so bitter any more. I am not just cutting people out of my life in a symbolic fashion. I feel like I have my Facebook account down to mostly people that mean something to me now. MOSTLY, people I care about and what happens to them and vice versa, even if we don't always show it. People that when I see their names, I get a warm feeling instead of annoyance at how ingenuine they are. Yes, some I do still feel that way about, but that doesn't mean I don't still care about them and want to know they are okay and doing well, wish the best for them as I hope they do for me also.
So, that's it. This is my forum, where I get things out, where when I write sometimes I figure things out that I hadn't considered until I wrote about it. It can be better than talking to any therapist, except sometimes a therapist WILL come out once in awhile with a great piece of insight and inspiration, as well as helpful guidance. But...I can't just open up to them like I do here. I don't think I will EVER feel comfortable enough with anyone to that.