People Make Me Lonely

Yes, I know I already posted this morning, but sometimes I just have a lot to say!

The Latuda increase I took last night has me feeling quite drugged today.  I absolutely LOATHE this feeling, of being "zombified", but it's not like a Seroquel or Geoden zombification, much different.  My feelings are numbed and I don't like that at all, but perhaps right now that is exactly what I need.  Also, this is only day one.  I'm sure this is the most extreme I will feel it...right?

Even though my feelings are "numbed", that doesn't mean I am not going to get upset.   One of the woman's daughters whose home I moved into when I was 16, one I have not spoken of before, not the one that hates me, posted these desperate things on Facebook, even saying she had recently and seriously considered suicide.  Well of COURSE I was concerned!  I haven't talked to her in years, but that doesn't matter.  Anyone that low and is obviously reaching out for help, I am going to do my best to try and do something, anything, to help.
So I sent her a message saying so.  She responded about how broke she was and in general, how miserable her life was, but it all seemed to center on money.  Don't get me wrong, lack of money can make one very depressed.  But I did not address money in my response back to her, I directed it back to her well-being.  She again complained about money, and I didn't know how to respond and it had only been a day and I was still pondering how to respond when she sent me another message.  Here it is, exactly:

You had said yesterday that if there was anything that you could do to just ask wlell here goes. My vehicle's tags are expired and I need to get it tagged, but Ihave to title it in NC first. The whole process will cost me about 350-400 because of taxes and transferring the title. i am beyond broke is there anyway on earth that you could loan me the money so I can get my van legal, Ican then drive to see my mom.

Am I being unreasonable in feeling used?  How exactly is not having her van tagged making her suicidal?  And it's not about the money at all, but her calling it a "loan" as if she is going to pay it back is just so untrue.  I mean, I have not talked to this girl in YEARS, she hasn't asked how I am, I sent her an email years ago (because facebook keeps all of this!!) checking up on her, she responded, I replied, then nothing.  And nothing since then.  Her sister is even worse.  She is pretty clear on hating me, until she desperately needs help moving, and suddenly she is very sweet and asks me to help move her across country.  This is with a few days notice and she requested my husband's help as well to which he replied hell no, and I told her I couldn't.  So...back to not talking to me.  She was just using me.  And their mother!  I've talked about her until I could vomit, but after sending her emails asking about her well being and sometimes she replied but most of the time she did not and she never once asked how I was although I would usually be very concerned about her, I just gave up.  I invited her to Chicago, offering to pay for a rental car to and from the airport to get there, pay for her airline tickets, said I would take her to her mother's burial site in Illinois, and nothing.  She could have at least said thanks but no thanks with a reason, like I have no desire to go to Chicago. 

Are they selfish and self involved?  Or am *I* selfish and self involved for wanting them to show some iota that they care about me?  Except for the sister that hates me, I feel like I have shown them I care, yet if it is reciprocated, it is not in a way I understand or see at all.  I just can't imagine that it is there and I am not seeing it when there has been nothing that I haven't said here.

I am not so bitter any more.  I am not just cutting people out of my life in a symbolic fashion.  I feel like I have my Facebook account down to mostly people that mean something to me now.  MOSTLY, people I care about and what happens to them and vice versa, even if we don't always show it.  People that when I see their names, I get a warm feeling instead of annoyance at how ingenuine they are.  Yes, some I do still feel that way about, but that doesn't mean I don't still care about them and want to know they are okay and doing well, wish the best for them as I hope they do for me also.

So, that's it.  This is my forum, where I get things out, where when I write sometimes I figure things out that I hadn't considered until I wrote about it.  It can be better than talking to any therapist, except  sometimes a therapist WILL come out once in awhile with a great piece of insight and inspiration, as well as helpful guidance.  But...I can't just open up to them like I do here.  I don't think I will EVER feel comfortable enough with anyone to that.


Anthrobug said...

No way should you send her money; They're transparent - you're right, how could the van not having tags make her suicidal. Not having food or being behind on rent I can understand. But asking you for $400 you'll never see again so she 'see her mom :)' doesn't sound like someone that needs more than attention, and I think you shouldn't give it and you're 100% about reciprocation. These are users, not friends.

KansasSunflower said...

Thanks so much for the validation, Anthrobug! : ) You noticed the smiley face as well, I see, because you quoted it! Yes, I found that odd. I thought about sending an email to the mother about what all I thought, but seriously, what kind of response am I expecting to get? Even "I'm sorry, I didn't know you felt that way" I think would beyond any of them. If I did that, it would just be getting it off my chest and not make me feel any better and disappointed and hurt. If I got any response at all it would not be anything I long hear, like they care about me. So...I guess silence is my best option?

KansasSunflower said...

Just found your blog! I see you haven't updated it since 2009, I hope you have found work? 2009 was a horrible year to be looking for work. I was looking for work that year as well. No luck for me, I'm hoping you were successful. : )

Tam of Two said...

Oh my gosh... I would NEVER ask someone for money, except maybe my Mum if I was in danger of being kicked out of my rental or dying of starvation or something.... that's completely inappropriate!! You did a really nice thing getting in touch and trying to give her emotional support, and she totally blew it! *SIGH, there are always going to be people like that, all we can do is keep trying to be the best person that WE can be. Never stop being so kind and caring xx But I think in this case, not responding to this person is definitely the best way to go!

KansasSunflower said...

Thanks Tam. : ) I was pretty disappointed and feel really used by that whole family. It's really sad because I feel like I owe (at least the mother) so much, so it's really difficult for me not to just do and give everything I can and that they need and ask for. But it does upset me that I feel like they try to take advantage of me. When I don't give them what they want, I am of no use to them. :(

Anthrobug said...

Lol, I had no idea I still had a blog ;) Actually, I've been pretty sick and that was one reason I was laid off in 2009. I finally swallowed my pride and I'm on disability now, which is a life-saver for someone in my position. But I have time to read blogs now, and I've been reading your blog for a while - Im dealing with depression too. Thanks for asking, I'll be fine.

And I think maybe you should explain that you're also struggling financially but you'll send good thoughts - and see what happens. I bet you won't get a response. But you're responding and continuing your efforts - your just not an ATM.

Gareth Rowell said...

Hi Sunflower, sounds like the situation with your "friend" had little to do with depression or bipolar. As someone who suffers from bipolar, For me, what causes depression is when I can't give to someone when I really want to. I often don't want to talk or eat because of my meds, so it seems that I'm anti social. But the alternative, which is crazy and fun, is hell on everyone around me. Take care!

KansasSunflower said...

Anthrobug - I'm sure that was difficult to decide to go on disability, but I TOTALLY understand! It would be pretty much impossible for me to work right now and who knows when I'll get better? I too lost a job because of my illness (or perhaps the zombie medication that wouldn't let me wake up!!) I still haven't responded, maybe it's too late now. And of course, I haven't heard from her again. Maybe out of embarrassment, or maybe because like you said, she thinks of me as an ATM. Thanks for reading, I often wonder who reads! : ) Take care of yourself!!!!

KansasSunflower said...

Gareth - EXACTLY! It was almost like a slap in the face. I felt like "do you EVEN know what feeling suicidal is LIKE?" It's not one day of "seriously considering suicide" and then asking for money to tag your car when someone reaches out. It sounds like you know what your triggers are for your depression - that is good, although I know it is IMPOSSIBLE to avoid them because it isn't anything you do or who you actually are, it's a perception (just my thoughts!) So many people gain an ungodly amount of weight on bipolar meds - not eating doesn't sound so bad! : ) But I'm a girl, lol. I get antisocial as well, and I'm an EXTRAVERT - are you as well? I don't understand why being happy has to be hell on everyone, but you're right, it does drive them crazy. :(

Anthrobug said...

At this point, if you haven't heard anything, they've moved on. I feel like I've read more about how you've helped or adjusted yourself for other people than how people have helped or adjusted for you. I don't know if this is your personality or the drugs, but personally I think you should worry less about everyone else and concentrate on yourself primarily. Not sit and dwell on your problems, but instead maybe do a couple things a week that are completely centered around you; A day at the salon being pampered, reading a book on the water, watching a TV marathon of one of your favorite shows.

It was a hard decision going on disability, I've been working since I was 16 even while going to school, and now I don't know what to do with myself when I'm not having a flareup. It's like prison, except in my own home, which is why I'm depressed and I'm waiting to get an appointment to talk to someone. Actually talk, not take pills like everyone else I've seen so far. I take enough pills already.

Be well, be strong, and don't forget about yourself in all your trials and tribulations

KansasSunflower said...

Anthrobug - sorry for the late response! I haven't been on my blog! Doing something for myself seems hard - I would feel guilty. I already stay home every day, what excuse would I use for needing pampering (awesome idea - I love going to the spa!). BUT - I get an allocated amount of money each month to spend on anything I want, aside from anything we spend for other things. I could that but...I always want to buy clothes. : )

Although I'm not on disability, I can totally relate. I might be if we really needed the extra money. Believe it or not, we're in similar situations - I know what you mean by your house being a prison! For me, it's also safety, you know? From the world? But so very, very boring! I also have worked since 16 until I got laid off and couldn't find a job. It's hard not feeling productive, right? But we still are, just in other ways.

I hope you have been able to see the doctor! I hate more pills too. It always seems like it's "just one more", but if that "one more" fixes me, it's worth it, as long as I can eventually start removing things! You should consider it! : )

Thank you so much for the encouragement - and I wish the same for you!

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