To Think That Only Yesterday I Was Cheerful, Bright and Gay

I can't say I was "just fine" because I had slept for several hours this afternoon, having NO energy today.  I can always explain things away..."it was because of this", "it was because of that".  I do that for EVERYTHING I don't understand.  Mark calls them "my stories" because they can be so random about strangers, but doesn't everyone want a reason for things?

So I had just woken up, it was around 4:30p, making my second cup of coffee to get some energy, and it just hit.  I think my thoughts were in a slow dissension, pondering the reason for this and that for awhile without realizing it, I'm not sure.  But as the second cup of coffee was brewing, it hit.  A wave of depression then weeping so intensely that I had to fight myself not to collapse on the floor and put my head in my hands and just cry and cry.  I opted for putting my head in my hands on the kitchen counter, but stayed standing up crying as if someone I loved had died.  I felt so defeated.  But at least I hadn't completely given in - sitting on the hard kitchen floor which seemed so desperate to me and I did not want to sink to that level.   I guess I had *some* fight left in me?  Or maybe it was just the refusal of an action and means absolutely nothing.  Sitting, standing, what is the difference?

I suppose I could go into a litany of why I feel what I do, but does it matter?  My circumstances today are the same as they were yesterday, nothing has changed.  Nothing happened to cause that wave of depression except my train of thought on so many things in my life. 

I can't shake it now, and lately I've been getting panic attacks and have been taking klonipin for that so...I just do NOT want to pop a klonipin all the time!  If I really think I have to take klonipin just to feel "okay" all the time, well, I don't think everything is "okay". 

But what if it simply is NOT okay, realistically?  What if my life just isn't that great and it absolutely sucks with no hope of it getting better, only worse?  What if everything is a failure like I think it is?  What if all of these thoughts of things that have been said and done that I am now reanalyzing and seeing them for perhaps what they are, what I think I missed the first time, what if that is true?  It certainly seems and feels that way now.  I know I'm making absolutely no sense to anyone but myself.

It's such a lonely feeling.  A desperate feeling.  A hopeless feeling.  And of course, so very sad.  And I really should pretend to be "okay" to everyone around me and most likely I will.  I am now more than likely going to add my husband to the list of people I pretend to be "okay" with - I am tired of being the annoying squeaky wheel when there is absolutely nothing he can do, why make him listen to my whining when it is probably nonsensical to him and he has his own overwhelming stress to deal with right now?  Of course he needs to know what is going on with me otherwise he'll be wondering why I just sit around the house all the time, nothing is accomplished all day, so yes, he knows I sleep a lot, he has seen it on the weekends.  But does he also need to know I am so very sad?

I told my therapist and psychiatrist I was going to find out about my thyroid before making a new appointment because....well I couldn't even make it to my appointments!  I kept sleeping through them or was tired and I just couldn't go!  My family doctor is about five blocks away.  THAT I can manage.  But you know, for mental health care providers, they sure are awfully fine with that.  So a person with ALL of these issues and someone that they keep telling has all of these issues, can't go to school (or work), need to concentrate on "getting better", blah blah blah, keeps missing appointments then leaves messages that they won't be coming in for awhile, cause for concern?  Even though I had said I had been thinking about suicide recently, not seriously of course, but I had been?

People fall through the system.  "The system". What am I even talking about?  There is NO system to fall through.  Not that I want one, I don't want anyone "telling" me what to do and forcing me to do it involuntarily.  I've always believed people should be responsible for their own mental health, to be ruthless in getting better.  I realize there are people who simply do not understand they are ill so I really mean people like myself or really just referring to myself.  I don't want to be forced. 

I don't know how long this feeling will last - maybe a moment and I will be fine, maybe it will worsen, there is absolutely no telling.  I am so very, very tired of the torture.




KansasSunflower said...

Thanks for asking, Lynn. : ) Yes, better if you mean do I feel depressed and am crying, yes, I definitely feel better. But AM I better? No, I don't think so. I feel...unstable? And it scares me how these things come out of nowhere and how very intense and hopeless the depression is.

KansasSunflower said...

Sorry Lynn! I must have hit delete comment instead of publish comment!

Shoshi said...

This post feels like you are talking about me. I struggle with the same thoughts, the same issues. After 15 years, finally diagnosed with Bipolar II. My husband doesn't have mental health issues so I have the same concerns of how much to tell him. It's amazing how many people suffer in silence. I realize this is an old post and it seems you are doing better. All the best!

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