6th Anniversary Today!

Today is our anniversary!  6 years, but we've been together over 16.  In 16 years, SO MUCH has happened!  Even in the last 6 years!  It's amazing to me how people can stay together this long.  We've weathered many storms and had some very awesome times together.  I wouldn't want to be with anyone else.  Yet...even after all this time, I still worry that we will break up one day.  Everyone in my life has always gone away eventually, except for this relationship.  I've never had any relationship - spouse, friends, family, last this long.  And actually, were it not for my husband being so stubborn about not letting me sabotage our marriage and take me seriously when I say we should break up, we wouldn't still be together.  It could be as simple as trying to find something on television.  I'll see that we can't find anything we BOTH like and what I say is automatic.  "We don't like ANYTHING the same!"  This used to lead to my breakup conversation - yes, over something as simple as finding something on television.  But now Mark just sighs and rolls his eyes and says "I know, we have NOTHING in common and need to break up, RIGHT?".  Then I realize where my train of thought is going and he's right.  I do tend to push everyone away whether I am aware of it or not.  Maybe it's a survival thing - push everyone away before they have the chance to push me away and hurt me?

I saw my therapist and we talked about Mark's mid-life crisis and I told her how difficult it was for me, not knowing what to say, how to react, what to expect from him.  She said she has a client dealing with the exact same thing right now, how her husband goes on and on, angry about his life, gets mad when she says something.  She suggested I try, when he is like this, to ask permission by saying "May I say something?" to him.  Sure, I TRIED it, but he just looked at me like "What in the world are you saying?".   I asked him what was wrong, and he told me that was not like me to say that.  I didn't give up, though.  I tried it a few more times during his rants and now he teases me about it.  I'll be talking and he'll say, "Can I say something?" and we both start laughing.  He thought I was being totally ridiculous, but only because it is SO not me to say that.  I'm not shy about stating my opinions to him in this area typically but I HAVE learned to just let him rant, go on and on, and if I don't say anything all is well.  In fact, I don't think he even notices that I don't say anything so I guess he's not actually talking to me but to himself.

I've gained about ten pounds and it is totally, totally freaking me out!  I feel horrible, but it's my own fault.  No exercise lately and not eating properly.  SO...I bought a package to the weight loss center where they helped me lose the last 25 pounds last time.  I say "helped me" but they really just gave me a diet plan to follow that included things I should never eat and phentermine.  Still, it was helpful with the worst time I have of eating what I shouldn't:  when I wake up in the middle of the night.  But...last time it changed my mood a bit, I wasn't as positive or something.  I didn't feel people were SO NICE here any more.  But only 10-20 pounds, less then three months and I should be good and can surely maintain that.  I know, so why couldn't I maintain it before?  Having a hysterectomy, sitting around for a few months and then overdoing it with my exercise plan until I felt SO HORRIBLE my doctor thought I had a thyroid problem really set me back.  So how often am I going to get a hysterectomy in the future?  Uh...never.  And I'll change my running program for now to the one on Runkeeper that is called "Running for Weight Loss" or something like that until I lose what I need to.  I mean seriously, I don't want to be wearing my fat clothes anymore!

Mark's parents are visiting us for a few days starting this weekend.  We set up the guest bedroom and I think it looks really pretty!  But it was dusty in there in general, and when we were in there moving around I'm sure we put the dust in the air, more so than what you could just feel by walking in, and my allergy to dust mites did not like that at all!  You would think that taking an allergy pill and singular daily would keep anything from happening, but no.  I think if you totally immerse yourself in what you are allergic to, the medication helps a lot, but it is not going to keep you from having some symptoms.  Just a theory, though.

Emotionally I am okay but I think I am getting my nights and days switched as far as sleeping goes. I need to figure out how to fix that.  I suppose if I do take phentermine again, that will most definitely do the trick!

There's a song, "Counting Stars" by OneRepublic that I discovered way before it became so popular.  For some reason, I just HAD to figure out what he was singing about and maybe made it way more deep than it is.  I showed the video to two people and shared what I thought the lyrics meant and asked them some pointed questions about themselves.  They acted like I was strange, like it was impossible for them to conceive a world that I was trying to describe.  I just gave up.  But NOW, they keep bringing it up, saying how they've really thought about what I said and asked them and NOW coming up with answers to my questions.  Maybe some things take time to search within yourself and find an answer.  I read the comments on YouTube and was really surprised that people were saying it was about something I never considered.  I don't think it matters - a song is whatever it means to you.  I am curious what anyone else thinks he is saying?

 
Counting Stars, OneRepublic
 
Lately, I've been, I've been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be
But baby, I've been, I've been praying hard,
Said no more counting dollars
We'll be counting stars, yeah we'll be counting stars

I see this life like a swinging vine
Swing my heart across the line
In my face is flashing signs
Seek it out and ye shall find
Old, but I'm not that old
Young, but I'm not that bold
I don't think the world is sold
I'm just doing what we're told
I feel something so right
Doing the wrong thing
I feel something so wrong
Doing the right thing
I could lie, could lie, could lie
Everything that kills me makes me feel alive

Lately, I've been, I've been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be
But baby, I've been, I've been praying hard,
Said no more counting dollars
We'll be counting stars

Lately, I've been, I've been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be
But baby, I've been, I've been praying hard,
Said no more counting dollars
We'll be, we'll be counting stars

I feel your love and I feel it burn
Down this river, every turn
Hope is a four-letter word
Make that money, watch it burn
Old, but I'm not that old
Young, but I'm not that bold
I don't think the world is sold
I'm just doing what we're told
I feel something so wrong
Doing the right thing
I could lie, could lie, could lie
Everything that downs me, makes me wanna fly

Lately, I've been, I've been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be
But baby, I've been, I've been praying hard,
Said no more counting dollars
We'll be counting stars

Lately, I've been, I've been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be
But baby, I've been, I've been praying hard,
Said no more counting dollars
We'll be, we'll be counting stars

Take that money
Watch it burn
Sink in the river
The lessons are learnt

Take that money
Watch it burn
Sink in the river
The lessons are learnt

Take that money
Watch it burn
Sink in the river
The lessons are learnt

Take that money
Watch it burn
Sink in the river
The lessons are learnt

Everything that kills me... makes me feel alive

Lately, I've been, I've been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be
But baby, I've been, I've been praying hard,
Said no more counting dollars
We'll be counting stars

Lately, I've been, I've been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be
But baby, I've been, I've been praying hard,
Said no more counting dollars
We'll be, we'll be, counting stars

Take that money
Watch it burn
Sink in the river
The lessons are learnt

Take that money
Watch it burn
Sink in the river
The lessons are learnt

Take that money
Watch it burn
Sink in the river
The lessons are learnt

Take that money
Watch it burn
Sink in the river
The lessons are learnt


2 comments:

susie said...

Wow, you mentioned the in-laws like it was no big deal. Good for you, Happy Anniversary.

KansasSunflower said...

I did, didn't I? I guess I've resigned myself to whatever happens, happens. They are the parents, we're simply hosting them. NOW, once they are here and they leave, I wish I could read that post right now!!! : )

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