Husband in MidLife Crisis Rant

Life with my husband is still rocky, but I think I am the only one who sees it that way.  He is going through his own emotional crisis and I am just trying to avoid the wrath of the male mid-life crisis. Basically I think I'm trying to avoid him.  Being trapped in a car with him is awful.  He will start ranting and raving, maybe yelling if you consider being upset and raising your voice and I have nowhere to go with nothing available to distract me.  Yes, he's listened to me go on and on about how I feel, but I don't get upset with him when he tries to make me feel better.  I appreciate different perspectives and someone trying to build me up.  But anything I say makes him angrier, like I don't understand and truthfully, I guess I don't.  I've never had a midlife crisis like what he is going through so I don't understand, but he doesn't want empathy either.  He doesn't want to hear things will get better, that he IS successful, but I don't want to validate his feelings either.  What would THAT be like?  "Yes, you're right, you haven't lived up to your potential, your life is awful because this is not where you expected to be at your age, and I totally get it, you are a failure" when he's not!  But if I say something POSITIVE about his life, OMG, watch out.  I try to zone out, but trapped in a car with him, it's pretty much impossible.

What made me mad though, really upset me was when he said what he is going through is very similar to what I went through before I was hospitalized for being suicidal.  SERIOUSLY?  I *thought* he understood me, but apparently he doesn't.  Men going through a mid-life crisis do not check themselves into the hospital, get drugged, are constantly observed in a hospital setting to make sure they don't harm themselves.  AND...THEY get to keep their shoelaces!!  (If anyone has been hospitalized for being suicidal, then they will totally get that and how annoying that is). 

I don't want to minimize what he is going through and he has an actual diagnosed case of mid-life crisis.  But he shouldn't compare one to the other, they are TOTALLY different!  He said I would just come home from work, go straight to bed and cry.  Yes and?  What was his point because that is not what he does. 

HOWEVER, this is HIS emotional crisis, and I do not take it lightly, I just am unable to help him and if I try it makes him more upset.  A  job seems to define a lot of men.  I told him HE was the one that talked me into going to the hospital, trying to show him that he DID tell me what to do during my hardship, so what is so different than me offering him positivity?  Yes, I can listen and not say a word except to change the subject, but how rude is that?

Living with someone who is SO negative is really hard.   Yes, I realize living with someone with bipolar disorder is probably even harder, but it's like they are complete opposites.  On one hand, you've got someone who has an inflated ego and on the other, you have someone who thinks they are dirt.  I can't relate.  He said his therapist told him he needs to learn acceptance. 

I hope he accepts that soon.  I encourage him to play his game on his x-box, first and foremost because I know it is an escape for him, and secondly, we don't have to spend time together.  I basically feel like I live alone and told him I feel completely disconnected from him, but he disagreed.  How can he tell me how I feel?  Doesn't he see that we spend all of our time, even when he is at home, apart?  I no longer want to have date night and made an excuse last weekend why I didn't want to go.  What are we going to talk about exactly?  I'm trying to AVOID his emotional crisis because I can't help him, he doesn't want me to, I guess he just wants a blow up doll to listen to him but shut the hell up.

He has a short temper. 

Ugh, writing about this is dragging me down.  I haven't been posting a lot lately because I really don't even want to think about how I am feeling which is what writing a post is all about.  YES, I'm so appreciative of him allowing me to stay home right now while he works these incredibly long hours at work and from home.  But he's addicted to his Blackberry.  No matter where we are, what we are doing, even if *I* am in the middle of a conversation, he will get it out and check his mail and even sit there and write responses.  It's CONSTANT, like every couple of minutes.  Maybe he feels he is required to do so now, but what wife wouldn't be annoyed that their husband seems married to their job and not there for them, ever.  It's been happening for so long now that when I am talking to him and he does that, I just stop talking and get SO annoyed, but you know, I don't even think he notices.  I don't even think he realizes I just stopped my conversation in mid-sentence which tells me he wasn't listening in the first place, he is married to his job, not me.

I'm sure I have no right to complain, he takes good care of me physically.  But emotionally?  I have no emotional support and not just from him, from anyone.


Cher Poston said...

You tried some things and they didn't work. Now you should take care of you first. Remember the safety lesson they teach on the airlines right? Put your mask on before you try and save someone else. I feel your pain as I suspect that most of my family suffer from emotional issues yet diagnosed.

susie said...

I hope you are driving during his rants. He could get you into an accident.

I hate when people play with their gadgets when they should be paying full attention to us, dammit.

Blog about your dog. :-)

KansasSunflower said...

Cher - yes! Very good advice. I've been doing some online research about men's midlife crisis's, and you are right on! I need to focus on my own happiness right now and not his and remember it is not my fault or anything I've done. Easier to type than believe!

KansasSunflower said...

Susie, no, I'm never driving during his rants, but I did tell him being in a car with him makes me feel trapped. It has always been my rule not to go to dinner and text/email, etc., but because his job so very stressful and time sensitive, I've overlooked it for now. Yes, I will blog about my dog. I LOVE MY DOG! My dog is absolutely my best friend. : )

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