Anxiety - Interesting Suggestion

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and told her I was doing really, really well, probably 1000% times better, but I have a lot of problems with anxiety.  It can overwhelm me at times. She did increase my Latuda by 40 more (milligrams?) and said to take the extra in the morning, but what she really suggested in addition was to do yoga or meditate, learn how to bring my thoughts into the present.  She was totally right - my anxiety comes from worrying about the future or the past, so she said I needed to learn how to bring my thoughts into the present.  I thought that was a most excellent idea, especially since  I told her I didn't want anything that would make me feel drugged and told her the medications my last psychiatrist had prescribed and wanted me to take during the day but I hated them (Geoden and Seroquel).  I took them at night (which still increased my hunger), but if I took any during the day, which my last psychiatrist had told me to do, they immediately made me very, very sleepy and hungry.  Both I want to avoid, even at the cost of getting so anxious, but they did work.  But it worked by drugging me up and that's what I don't want to feel. 

I actually have a friend here in Chicago that said those exact words to me about herself and what she does to bring her thoughts to the present and how much it had helped her.  I sent her a message asking for perhaps a book I could start out with to learn how to meditate, although she goes somewhere every weekend to meditate.  I've done yoga and maybe it was just the classes I've tried, but it didn't really teach me think in the present.  I was too worried the whole time that I was doing the poses wrong and looked like an idiot, especially because everyone else was able to do them.  Yes, I'm sure they were all like me once when they started out, but that doesn't keep me from being self conscious.

We are actually making plans to see each other soon, so hopefully I'll get a chance to quiz her but I'd like to go ahead and start with a book or something.  I suppose I could search youtube as well.

I told my husband about it, and how I feel like I'm always asking him "Are you okay?" "Are you mad at me?", thinking a lot of times that is what I was worrying about and looking for an answer from him that will take away my anxiety, but even when he gives me the answer I am looking for, I don't believe him and it does nothing to help me.  He also said he didn't feel like I did that at all to him.  Maybe I don't do it as much as I thought I did, but that doesn't mean that isn't something that is constantly on my mind.  It's not just that, though.  I worry about a LOT of things - like one day my dog is going to die and how I will not be able to deal with that - just a lot of other things.  I don't always just enjoy being with my dog, I get clingy with him, think about him and worry about him being upset when no one is at home with him.  It could be anything, but right now it seems to be worrying I am going to lose the two closest things to me.

This is the first holiday season I can remember in such a long time where I am not depressed about it!  It is SUCH an awesome feeling to be able to enjoy the holidays and look forward to them instead of dread them.  I was SO happy when we moved, thinking I wouldn't have to go to my in-laws for holidays ever again, but now I'm actually excited that we are for Thanksgiving, not really bothered (at least not too much) having to see Mark's sister.  No matter how she acts towards me, I will NOT let it ruin my holiday or my mood.  Her attitude towards me is her issue, her problem, not mine.  I'm not responsible for her feelings, I can't change them, and my therapist just told me to ignore any negative way she acts towards me, choose not to care about it, or at least pretend I don't care.  Go ahead and say hello to her and if she doesn't respond and chooses to ignore my existence again, just carry on, talk to her if I want or don't want and don't worry about her reaction (of lack thereof).  So I'm prepared to just relax and have a good time and once again, STOP WORRYING which makes me so very anxious!

I'm really glad my psychiatrist didn't just prescribe a new pill, something that will numb me and medically try to alter my anxiety and giving me suggestions on how to manage it myself.  I think it totally relates to my insecurities in general and somehow I need to work on that.  I'm sure that means I need to be more confident in myself, but just saying I need to do that doesn't change a single thing.  I'm not sure how exactly to fix that about myself.  I suppose that's where my psychological "team" comes in?

8 comments:

susie said...

Maybe you'll get along better with Mark's sister now that you're in a better frame of mind. Good luck.

Annina Luzie Schmid said...

One of my closest friends has been managing her bipolar and anxiety with a regular practice of Ashtanga Yoga (Mysore Style). I don't know what kind of Yoga you have tried before, but Ashtanga Yoga is particularly suited for mental health patients because while it is taught in a group setting, you get one-on-one tuition. No group pressure, no one will look at what you are doing, everybody focuses just on their own practice. I'm a practitioner myself, and I can say that a regular Mysore practice is nothing short of life changing. Meditation helps as well, just ten minutes of watching your breath (with closed eyes) every morning... It will do wonders for you. Good luck!

KansasSunflower said...

Annina - thank you SO much for the advice! I really had no one to ask or know where to turn! I will definitely look into the Mysore Style! : )

KansasSunflower said...

Susie - thanks! I sure hope so! We shall soon see...

Annina Luzie Schmid said...

If you do, please let us know how it goes! :)

KansasSunflower said...

Absoltely, Annina! : ) There's not a lot I don't share about my emotions and activities that affect my emotions here!!! : ) And I am definitely going to try something - not sure the mySore yoga that has classes more often than once a week is even remotely close to where I live unfortunately. Maybe there is a meetup for it. : )

Crystal Collier said...

Wahoo for kicking the depression! I know what you mean with the worrying. I've got the worrier gene--thank you grandma. My hubby is constantly telling me to focus on the here and now and see all the good. I also find physical exertion--of the cardio variety--really takes off the edge.

KansasSunflower said...

Crystal - so sorry you are afflicted with worry as well! Yes, your husband is so right, but easier said than done, right? I do run often and you are right, it helps. I've been trying to be in the "here and now" when running lately - look at the clouds, houses, trail, dogs, etc. At least I have a feeling of accomplishment after a run and don't worry or have anxiety for awhile after that! : ) But I can't run 24 x 7, ha! And wouldn't want to, either! For me, my favorite part of running is when I'm DONE! : )

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