We went to a gala for charity for the "arts", and I never knew a gala could be so much fun!  I thought people would be stuffy and snobbish, but no, not at all!  There was an incredible performance, then cocktails and dinner.  Mark knew *so* many people there, and I even knew a few as well.  He works with some very, very nice people.  I think it's living in the Midwest - people are more genuine and nice here but he thinks I'm wrong.

Mark would introduce me to someone and we'd all talk for awhile, and if I didn't recognize their name I would ask him where were they from and what did they do - how did he know them.  I think the biggest surprise to me is when we would have a very regular conversation with some people, talk about things we all had in common for instance, and then I would find out afterwards who they were. Partners from the consulting firm were Mark and I met was probably the biggest surprise to me.  I was only a consultant there and would be so intimidated by the same people who were now trying to make a good impression on me instead.  Quite a role reversal.  I kept thinking, "This is my life now?  This is my social circle??"  Yes, Mark had told me there would be things like this that I would need to attend if we moved here, but I guess I didn't completely understand what that meant.

Some wives were very quiet, clung to their husbands and just gave an "I'm shy" vibe, but I'm not shy at all, I am so much an extrovert and I talked a lot to everyone.  But really it was all very political - people who work together or do business with people trying to socialize outside of the work place for their careers.  They all seemed so genuinely nice and sincere though - but I guess they didn't get where they were if they weren't good with politics within their companies.

I hadn't been sure what to wear so I chose a simple little black dress and pearls.  I found out when I got there I had pretty much chosen the "uniform" of a lot of women there.  At least I blended in and didn't stand out like I didn't belong there or didn't know what to do to people who go to this gala every year.

Blah, enough of that.  I feel really good right now but Mark is just so sensitive. He makes me feel very insecure and gives me a lot of anxiety by the way he acts.    And I will say very innocent things, even thinking I am giving him a compliment and totally offend him.  So very unpredictable.  I KNOW I am supposed to be focusing on my own happiness now, know that his emotions have nothing to do with me even if it directed towards me during this "crisis" he is having, but it is so very, very difficult.  I know my therapist told me it was time for ME to be the strong one now, but it is really hard.  A lot of things seem to be directly aimed at me but maybe I'm making this "all about me" when it's not.  I don't fully trust him though.  He will tell me like a year later that he's been unhappy with me about something and I don't understand why he waited so long and was so bitter all that time and not just tell me what was bothering him, so yes, it does cause me to be insecure.

My therapist also asked me what would happen if we weren't together?  I told her I was fully capable of taking care of myself, I'm a survivor, I always have been.  I should just keep thinking that and stop being insecure.  I need to get a freaking life! 

School starts towards the end of January and that will take my mind off a lot of this.  My therapist suggested I just take one class to start off with - see if it is something I want to do, yet I really want to start full time.   I know her suggestion is the right one.  I will get overwhelmed if I start out with a full course load and maybe decide I just can't do it.  Lots of things on a checklist to get done so I can start school - and I can be such a procrastinator!

I always write entries that are too long, maybe because I am a fast typist or perhaps I have a lot on my mind I want to get out, experiences I want to record to remember later.  Who knows.



Lucy said...

Wow I never thought I would find someone who sounds like me!I'm currently working thought being diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I feel a lot better that I'm not alone in the way I feel!thank you so much!!!

KansasSunflower said...

Lucy - I don't feel so alone either when I get a comment like yours - thank you for letting me know! Good luck with your treatment!! : )

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