Hypomanic, Self Diagnosed.

Okay, I will formally admit it, I am hypomanic.  When it's the good kind, I don't want to believe it, but I've been acting SO out of character for me.

The first obvious sign was something I've NEVER done before when I'm hypo - start buying tons of stuff without considering our budget.  I got an Amazon delivery today, and do you know I had NO CLUE what could possibly be in it?  I was almost scared to open it.

About the third day in, I confessed to my husband I thought I was hypo and was spending a lot of money which has never been a symptom I've had.  He was SO nice about it, I couldn't believe it!  He guards our budget on a daily basis, but of course I had been using my own credit cards so he had no idea what I was doing.  He called today from work and asked if I could please enter in my transactions into our budget application because he didn't see any and had no idea how much I spent.  His guess was $10k.  Are you kidding me?  I'm hypo but not ready for a divorce.

Making myself enter my transactions and actually SEE what I have done has, for now, stopped the spending spree.  He estimated it to be around a thousand dollars, but I think that's too high.  However, I wasn't going to argue with someone who was being unbelievably gracious and not mad at all.  He understands that is a symptom of my disease and I guess he thinks I can't help it, which must be true.  I have NO IDEA what came over me to make me so obsessed with buying things, but there are a LOT, I mean a LOT of packages that will be coming to my house for the next few weeks.

All the signs are there - so much more social which of course everyone wants to be around someone so happy and complimentary.  I give way too many compliments and so enthusiastically when I'm hypo.  Sleeping less, getting things done around the house and probably more symptoms I don't even know I have.

But...I'm happy.  Excited for what life will bring.  What KILLS me though is that as happy as I am now is in correlation to how bad I will crash eventually.  It could happen at ANY time and the smallest of things could trigger it.  In a split second I could go from elation to a deep depression.  But do I actually tell my doctor and risk being "brought down" which sometimes is TOO down?  I don't want to!!!  I'd rather get help and have my meds changed when I do crash.  I say "rather", not that I won't.  I just can't see myself in her office saying "I'm too happy" and giving her the symptoms I've written here.  It's almost textbook and she will conclude it's too much and want to "fix it".

I'm not hurting anyone (as long as I don't spend money), can't I just enjoy it? 

5 comments:

susie said...

It sucks. What goes up, must come down.

But you can look at it the opposite waY as well. It can only get better!

KansasSunflower said...

I love your optimism, Suse! Mail some to me please! : )

Tam said...

Sometimes just taking the edge off hypomania can prevent crashing, but not stop you from feeling good. My suggestion would be just to make sure you get full nights of sleep. If you can't get to sleep naturally what about taking a mild sedative or even a drowsy antihistamine or something.. That way you can level out and even prolong feeling good, but without it going too far and crashing after. Sleep has been the number one thing that's worked for me in the past. Hope you are okay! :) Tam x

Tam said...

Sometimes just taking the edge off hypomania can prevent crashing, but not stop you from feeling good. My suggestion would be just to make sure you get full nights of sleep. If you can't get to sleep naturally what about taking a mild sedative or even a drowsy antihistamine or something.. That way you can level out and even prolong feeling good, but without it going too far and crashing after. Sleep has been the number one thing that's worked for me in the past. Hope you are okay! :) Tam x

KansasSunflower said...

Thanks Tam - you're totally right about not getting enough sleep. For the longest time I wake up WAY too early and just stay up, yet I take klonipin and FOUR over the counter sleep meds. I think those have antihistamine in them, but I think you're on to something! I am going to ask my psychiatrist the next time I see her for something to sleep. Ambien and the like work about as good as the over the counter, so the last thing I want is ANOTHER prescription that I feel chained to, you know?

Back to Top