Medication, Take Me Away

I just did something that is probably not so great.  I stopped taking Geoden over 2 years ago and I just took 4 of them and considering taking more.  I just want my life to go away.  No, not suicide, but I would be totally fine if one day I died in my sleep.  Can't think of a better way to go.

Mark's mid-life crisis is so overwhelming.  No, I'm not the one having the crisis but he is so unpredictable, so argumentative, and says hurtful things without realizing it. 

Other than ranting and raving all the time about how he became a failure and how he has the worst luck in the world and I could just go on, things that I never dream set him off and get him going on the biggest rants.

I was thinking yesterday of the time I ran out of gas and was walking in downtown Dallas, trying to find a gas station.  There were none.  A guy drove up and offered to help me and NO CLUE why I got in with him but I did.  I don't know what I was going to do because I don't think I had much money, it seems like I had none, and he bought me a gas can, bought the gas for it, and drove me back to my car and put it in.  He then asked where I was going and when I told him, he said I could run out before I got there and gave me some cash.  I was so very grateful and asked how I could ever repay him and he said if I ever encountered someone in the same position, help them like he did me.  So several years later, much to the astonishment of the person I helped just like I had been astonished, I helped someone.

It was just a nice story that I remembered and I reminded him of it, you know, like the "remember when?" stories.  I'm pretty sure I added to it that it would be nice if people were nicer to others and paid things forward like that in society.  Can you believe that made him pretty much furious?  As in a rant about "No one has ever helped ME do Anything, why should I help someone else?"

Really weird things happen as well, like I'll do something on my computer or write a blog entry and right away, he's using some of the same words I just used and addressing things I just said.  So today, on text, I asked if he had somehow put a keylogger on my computer because things seemed weird somehow.

No, I realize not a good question to ask your spouse if they are snooping on them.  But he called right away, and suddenly he was going to quit his job, sell the house, and live in a small apartment.  Oh yeah, and I was welcome to come if I wanted.  All because I didn't realize he worked at a job he hated 12 hours a day for ME.  I never asked him to, but yes, I tell him how much I appreciate him all the time!  And don't get me started about Chicago.  Yes, we're here because *I* wanted to come here, not because he was tired of travelling every week - right, that's the story.  I told him let's move back to Texas, I didn't realize he was so happy travelling every week, and go back to the way things were.  Whoa...he was like back it up.  All of a sudden he didn't want to travel.  Uh-huh, all me.      

I had a psychiatrist appointment today but I didn't think I could even leave the house and rescheduled. Now I don't go in until the end of November, not good.  I do have a therapist appointment tomorrow but what is she going to do?  I already KNOW this is supposed to be hell, there's nothing I can do, he's just going to be angry, etc. 

But here's the problem.  I SO do not want to make this about me, but according to everything I read, I am supposed to think about my own happiness right now and not worry about his.  I'm not dealing with it well.  People say don't let his emotions affect you.  How in the hell do you do that exactly? 

Depression is an ongoing battle for me, and not mildly.  Challenging the stability of my living situation is a big trigger for me.  I don't care where we live, I just want to know the rug isn't going to pulled out from under me which has happened SO many times in my life.  It sends me in a major panic. 

There are SO many triggers right now coming at me from every angle.  I started crying on the phone, I really tried not to because it's not supposed to be about me, right?  But I broke down, he softened probably only because most guys meltdown when their wife or girlfriend cries.  He said he felt bad, now I was probably going to be crying all morning.  Yes, he knows me pretty well, but I didn't.  I took klonipin.

Maybe it's the stress - stress is supposed to be a trigger for me, right?  But I can't make this about me, it seems like every emotional crisis has always been mine.  He has a right to have a breakdown and have my support although God help me if I try to support him.  Totally WRONG thing to do.  I just try to stay away.

I think I'm going to take even more Geoden.  I can't deal, I don't want to think about it and *I* am the failure, not him.  I would love to be as successful as he is, but I'm not.  I'm a loser who stays home all day and can't even keep my husband happy.

But again, it's not about me.  I'll just keep taking medications until this is over only...I know there is a possibility of it going on for years.

Why hasn't that first 4 Geoden worked yet?  Maybe it's expired, totally possible.  I'll just take more.


Tam of Two said...

This may be a bit rude of me, but in all honesty you're husband sounds like he is being a selfish pr*ck. I think the whole "I'm having a mid-life crisis so that means I can treat everyone that loves me like complete sh*t" is the biggest pile of ACTUAL sh*t I've ever heard. Have you thought about spending some time apart - not a break-up or anything, but do you have a friend or family member you could stay with for a few days, for a break? You have been trying to put him first, but he's already doing a great job of that all by himself. What about you!! You are equally important, and are going through an equally tough time. You can't help someone else by letting them destroy you.
Hope you are okay, sending positive "woman-power" your way :) xx

Kristy said...

I feel for you. You increasingly sound isolated and totally lonely without anyone to really support you. The best thing you could do is detach from your husbands problems and live your own life. He probably won't get through his misery any time soon and you don't have to be dragged down also. Maybe, he needs to feel the misery so he can go through whatever he is going through so he can change it. It is hard when a spouse is going through something. But we cant fix it and sometimes it is best to detach and have our own lives as much as we can. I also feel for you because you probably aren't aware of November in a winter place. I bet you it is grey and everything is dead. November for almost everyone is a blah month. Where I live everything is dead and it has been grey and raining all the time. The temps are getting colder and everyone is just about in hibernation mode till it actually snows.

KansasSunflower said...

Tam, thanks for the comment. : ) That is probably a good idea, but I have no one to stay with. He has only mentioned twice that he is in a mid-life crisis, and both were times he heard it from two separate therapists. My own therapist gives me advice, like tonight, so we'll see what happens. But you're right, at times he does seem selfish. I have read that is all part of it. For me, it is very difficult to detach my emotions from his, so it is a good learning experience for me to totally become my own person perhaps? I don't know actually.

KansasSunflower said...

Kristy - exactly! He's been through an enormous amount of emotional breakdowns from me, so this is the first time I've really ever had to be the "strong one", and I mean really strong! You're right, it is difficult. I constantly feel guilty, but it's not about me, just hard to remember while watching him miserable. Yes, need to become my own person, 100% I agree.

Yes, Chicago is not so pleasant right now! But I know from last year, when we moved here in January, the worst is yet to come...UGH!

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