New Path?

SOME of my purchases were delivered yesterday - SIX! And I know there are so many more on the way! As I was opening them, I felt so much regret, I felt like an idiot, wasting all that money and didn't have any excitement whatsoever about each thing.  As a matter of fact, I was thinking I couldn't believe spent so much money on junk.

Mark called when I was upset about it, and as soon as he heard my voice, because spouses just know each other that well, he knew I was sad.  He asked if I was and I told him yes, but at that time I hadn't figured out the reason why yet, I just thought the feeling came over me for no reason. 

He said, "But you were SO HAPPY!  What HAPPENED?", and then I realized...it's not just strangers and friends who love to be around me when I'm hypomanic, it was even my own husband which made me sad.  It seemed like he preferred me that way, but to be truthful, I've been depressed for a really long time so maybe it WAS nice not to come home to gloom and doom for awhile, no matter the reason.

He even started talking up my buying things!  He was saying...but you bought things to decorate our house nicely for Christmas, not even knowing what I have bought.  But that is true, that is what I was doing and I had been totally honest with him about that.  Totally, brutally honest because how can you hide something that is numerical? 

I was still kicking myself and upset about it and went to bed really early.  I woke up this morning, and now I am totally fine!  I don't feel overly happy, but good, and certainly, certainly not depressed.  For some reason, for the longest time, I have been waking up around 2:00 - 3:00 every morning and just give up and stay up for the day.  I heard his alarm clock go off at 5:00 and I ran up there and said "How about starting your morning off with a kiss?" and kissed and hugged him.  I am on such a roller coaster lately, so down that my husband is actually HAPPY when I get sick and am hypo, even if I go through a buying phase, I felt I needed to show him I was okay again without bringing up my stupid illness - blah blah blah, I get so tired of it. 

I'm tired of thinking about it, wondering if I'm this, if I'm that, what if this happens, what if that happens?  I don't have a crystal ball, why not just go with what life brings me?  At least for now, I'm done with analyzing my moods so I know what to say on the next psychiatric visit.  I do like going to the therapist, but we keep it mostly positive - or working on something that I am going through that is tough at the time.  I always feel SO much better when I leave her office.  It took me awhile to start trusting her, but I really am starting to, as scary as that is to me.

So once Mark knew I was okay, he seemed to go back to his grumpy self.  I said something totally innocent and it struck him in a way I don't understand at all but I can tell it was something about what he is going through.  There is absolutely no way I can understand him *most* of the time, not all.

So yeah, all is good and cheery at home!  (kidding, of course) It's actually a pleasant place to be, it's mainly him that is going through a "crisis" (again, not a midlife crisis, do not dare call it that!) But he seems to be having more ups than downs lately so...I'm grateful.  I'm sure no one likes to see their spouse upset and hurt, and can't even imagine how he feels and what he goes through with me.  I just want him to feel better SO BAD, I would do anything, but I just end up feeling helpless when nothing I try works.

SO!  It occurred to me yesterday (FINALLY!) what I would like to do as a career!  People used to ask me why I was interested in court reporting, and I never really had a good answer.  The truth is, I thought I would get out in two years, it would easy, and I'd be back in a career again.  All of that is SO false that it is laughable.

When I was younger, I wanted to be a social worker.  A few year ago I even volunteered to be a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) for children who were taken from their homes due to abuse or neglect.   I went through a couple months of training, a few hours a few days a week.  I had a background check.  But it seemed like the social worker I was working with was really thorough and good and all I was doing was agreeing with her.  I didn't feel helpful and thought I was wasting my - and her - time.  So I stopped.  I did learn an important thing, though.  When parents have to go to court about their children being taken away to find out what, if anything, they can do to get them back, it's like they become the best salespeople in the world!  This one lady would NOT let me go, she kept crying and going on and on about how she needed and wanted her kids back, she would do ANYTHING.  I had so much compassion for her and was certain she would do all of the things the judge said.  So what happened when the progress court date came around?  She had done nothing and really had no good reason as to why.  I'll admit, there were long lists of things to do, parenting classes, maybe anger management classes, but all kinds of classes to attend during the day which for most people is during working hours, maybe drug tests, therapy, I totally can't remember everything but it was a lot, and you know?  I think it SHOULD be.  The children were being so abused or neglected that someone actually noticed it, the State took them away it was so bad, and I struggled with believing they should ever go back to their parents.  But they believe being with their natural family is best and also - there is a huge shortage of foster homes, especially if you want to keep them in the same culture, such as a black child going to a black family foster home. 

Went off on a tangent there.  But I never would have thought to do that if it weren't my PASSION.  Mark asked why I wanted to do that, and I couldn't even stop talking about all the reasons and just felt SO EXCITED about my future suddenly.  Even the classes to get my degree for social work - I would be so interested!  Those were always my favorite classes in the past (psychology type classes).

So...we'll see what happens.  I haven't researched any schools, have an idea about tuition, but I don't want to suddenly think of something one day and enroll in school without giving it some serious thought.

We shall see, but it's so nice to have hope for the future again, possibly.

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