No Dogs Allowed

I'm in the process of enrolling for school and getting my transcripts sent to my new school to start in January.  I'm pretty excited except for one thing.  I have never been able to pass College Algebra - I think I've taken it 3 times now and have dropped pretty close to the last day before I got an F.  This time I don't care - even if I squeak out a D-, at least it will be in the past and I'll never have to deal with it again.  That is SO not how I used to be.  I have withdrawn from so many classes because I didn't think I would get an A.  Looking back, that was really stupid.  Who knows how many credits I would have by now?  I think I got into that mentality because of my mother.  She was never happy with my grades as soon as began getting letter grades unless they were all A's. She would tell me *every time* that she got straight A's all through school and she expected the same from me.   Her plans when she was in college was to be an English teacher and she only had one class left and the internship or whatever teachers do to graduate.  No clue why she wouldn't have finished it.  Maybe it was a math class!!  Or something like Chemistry which I am horrible at as well. I don't have that class in my future thank goodness!

I still feel pretty good.  Usually this time of year I start getting pretty depressed.  Holidays are usually not a good time for me and I want to just fast forward to January.  This year I am actually excited about the holidays, so very different than normal.  I would get sad that I don't have any close family members but I don't care this year.  At least I have Mark's family.  I already put the Christmas tree up and decorated it yesterday!  I was going to start decorating the rest of the house then decided it was probably too early to be completely decorated for Christmas.  I'm not opening the blinds to the window so my neighbors can see the tree yet either. : )

Not sure if Mark is better or not, but he is SO SENSITIVE.  I can't predict how he will react to ANYTHING I say, even a compliment!  Then it makes me feel like I said something wrong when that was not my intention at all!  Actually no, he does not seem quite as angry as before in his "crisis" (again, he hates if I use the term mid-life). He seems to be more accepting of whatever he is going through - a realization of what his life is and what it will be I guess, I don't know, never been through it and I'm older than he is.  And not even employed or even starting a new career yet!  I don't dare say those things, at least not again.  Anything I say that is positive when he is ranting makes him angry.  I finally told him the other day when he said something and I said nothing back that it wasn't because I wasn't listening, just everything I say in response to him makes him mad, I certainly don't want to agree with what he is saying because I don't, so silence I feel is my only option.  I can't say "I understand how you feel" because I don't, or "I've been there" because if I have, I don't remember it.  So now I can just say nothing and be okay, or maybe it always was and he is just ranting to get it off his chest.

For some reason, I absolutely loathe leaving the house.  It takes so much willpower to make myself do something outside of the house.  I think I've been home for too long now, all day by myself with my dog.  Pretty sure we are now co-dependent on each other.  He doesn't like it at all when I leave, and I am constantly thinking about him when I am not home and wishing I could have just brought him with me.  I actually do sometimes.  Mark was in an accident and I took him to pick up his rental car and brought Bailey with me.  I took him right in with me to their office, holding him because he only weighs 6 pounds.  I think when a dog is that little, people don't say much about it.  At least no one ever has to me. It always reminds me of Snoopy trying to go places and the signs that would say "No Dogs Allowed".   Sometimes I sing that to him because it is funny to me for some reason!

So, flying to Texas the day after Thanksgiving and taking Bailey on the cabin with me - his first flight.  Thank goodness we are going first class, but only because Mark has a TON of miles to use.  I hope there is more room under the seat for him and his carrier, but we shall see.  I plan on knocking him out with his anti-anxiety medication.

I'll post a picture of our Christmas tree if I can remember!



4 comments:

Caitlen Christensen said...

Good luck with school! College has been the hardest thing for me to deal with so far. All the stress has lead to some pretty low moments but to also so of my best! Stay strong!

Tam said...

Naw I am just the same with my dog, but luckily he is registered as a "Psychiatric Assistant Dog" so I can take him everywhere! certainly can't carry him though, he's a giant wolfhound XD

KansasSunflower said...

Caitlen - thanks for the well wishes! I do expect for it to be stressful, it really has been for me in the past. I think I read where school can be more stressful than working (but I suppose it depends on the job), so I will try to stay strong! : )

KansasSunflower said...

Tam - I LOVE that about your dog! I bet he is an awesome dog! I love "therapy dogs". : ) I found a place on the internet where you can buy those little jackets that say they are being used for medical reasons so you can take them anywhere with you, but he definitely is not trained for that! He's really not trained for hardly anything! If he acted up, I'm pretty sure my cover would be blown!! : ) Dogs are so awesome!

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