Therapist's Verdict

My therapist called and asked if I could come in at 5:30 last night, so I jumped at the chance!  I wanted to figure out what my deal was.

I've never had the "spending symptom" of mania (hypomania) before, so I totally didn't understand what exactly it was.  I just thought it was spending too much money and out of character.  She asked several questions about it and things I hadn't considered.  She said all of my purchases had a PURPOSE, not like buying jewelry and purses, etc.  Yes, I was buying things for the house and mostly for Christmas.  Secondly, my spending was mostly on ebay, and she said if you're doing it for the first time, it is very easy to get addicted to and start bidding on more and more things, I think she even said she had done it once as well when she first used it because it is so addictive.  And...I couldn't have just stopped by entering in my transactions and seeing what I had spent.  I think she thought I took I took the remorse and guilt too far, especially since my husband wasn't mad at all and he had said the same thing - you were just buying things to make the house look pretty for Christmas but of course, I had overspent and to stop, ha. : )

I'll have to look back in my blog, but I told her my other symptom was getting a Brazilian and then doing something with my husband that I have never, ever done before.  She thought that was healthy, even though I had never done it before, and I was getting better.

And being really happy, which I'm not as happy as I was before but still doing pretty good mood wise, again she thought that was just me getting better.  Perhaps, and this is just my thinking, I think I feel so good because I felt so bad for so long.  I'm not happy all the time right now, like no matter what happens, but we didn't really discuss that other than my serious remorse. 

I told her about my idea of getting a degree in Social Work and she thought it was a totally awesome idea and had some really good ideas for me.  To save on expenses, take as many classes as I can at a junior college (but just start out with one class at first to make sure going to school is what I want to do and not get overwhelmed.  She then gave me a name of a school in our area, for when I transfer, that her colleague had graduated from and someone she knows that is going there now.  Why didn't I think of that?  Of COURSE she would know what the best school to go to would be!  The junior college thing is awesome!  I have already racked up so many student loans, oh my gosh!  Just being able to pay out of pocket for each semester sounds so incredibly awesome.  She again reiterated that she thought court reporting was not a good career for me because of the lack of socialization and my being such an extrovert.

SO, end of story.  That is something I really, really hate - whenever I feel good, having to analyze it and usually decide I must be hypomanic if I'm not depressed basically, and now that I have a therapist to talk it through, I'm learning a lot.  I haven't had a therapist since I was diagnosed - in 2001, so I've just been going over what I've read and what I think I feel.  I actually AM, naturally, a pretty happy person, so maybe she's right.  But it's rare that I truly trust what any type of doctor tells me, no matter what they say.  I always think there must be something I haven't said and it's led to a wrong diagnosis - good or bad. 

For me, "just feeling okay" is so much better than how "just feeling okay" sounds.  Only people who have gone or going through what I am I think can fully appreciate or understand that.

Tonight is the gala.  I'm looking forward to it but not the long process of getting ready and the trip into the city.   I have a hair appointment which will be at least three hours and I want to get my individual lashes repaired or redone.  I feel bad for us girls, having to take so long to make ourselves look nice.  Guys just go get a haircut and boom, in 15-30 minutes, they are done, but my husband goes way more often to get his hair cut than I do, so perhaps it adds up if you count travel time.  I'm a bit nervous to be going to a new colorist and stylist for the first time on the day of the gala.

I already have my new Christmas tree assembled and bent all the branches (oh my gosh I HATE that part), but I have so much time to finish it and my idea was to do it leisurely so I wouldn't feel like it was a chore.  Once I made sure all the lights worked,  I stopped because it felt like it was becoming a chore and I want to enjoy it for once.  I have *plenty* of time to decorate it and now I think I have way too many ornaments after I pulled out the old sentimental ones of Mark's and the few ones of ours together in addition to all I bought.  My goal is to get every single ornament on the tree.  Can you actually have too many ornaments?  I have never seen that on a Christmas tree.

I can't help but continue to analyze how I feel when I feel good.  It is just so scary to me to crash because whenever I've been too up the crashes have been totally awful.  Maybe I worry to much.  But it feels really great to be excited about my future once again.


susie said...

I didn't shower today. I'm so pretty.

Idea Magnet said...

It's not uncommon to be afraid when you are feeling good. Afraid that you are either feeling too good or that you will soon crash. I always go by the evidence. In your case the evidence supports that you are doing well. My best advice for being afraid to crash is you've gone through it before and you will be able to handle it.

Remember this moment and be grateful for it when you are not feeling well.

KansasSunflower said...

Funny Susie - I can't even COUNT the number of days I haven't showered in the past. Sometimes it would be more than one day! I wonder why even taking a shower sometimes becomes difficult to do, at least for me! Now I try to AT LEAST shower before my husband gets home from work (on many days, and that isn't until 5!). If it weren't for that, I would still be skipping days, lol. : )

KansasSunflower said...

Thanks IdeaMagnet! That sounds like excellent advice. My crashes really, really scare me, and while I love to be happy, of course, it is not worth a month or year of depression, you know? Glad to have a therapist for now at least who understands. : )

Angel M. Gonzales said...

It's good to know that you are feeling excited about your future and it's okay to be afraid. I think that is normal, at some point, we all feel afraid, we all feel depress and uncertain about the future, we worry when we become too happy because something bad might happen after being happy but what is important is that we are able to bounce back, move on and continue living.

KansasSunflower said...

Angel - totally agree! I'm trying to learn it's okay to be happy and that it doesn't mean anything is wrong or will go wrong in the future! :) So sad that I have to worry that I am simply happy.

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