The last time I went, the time seemed to stretch on forever! My therapist had just gotten back from vacation the night before and was very tired, rightfully so, and it was early in the morning and she was trying to stifle yawns, not very successfully. There would be moments of silence where I had nothing to say and I'm guessing she did not know what to say to me or ask me. I kept thinking how boring it was and wondering when it be over! She does always leave me with a bit of insight, however. We were talking about my memory and she was saying she thought it was my medication and gave a great analogy about my psychiatrist, how she was the "master baker". Like a cake, my psychiatrist was trying to find the perfect amount of ingredients and I am the "test cake", so to speak, and I have to keep going back often until she finds just the right ingredients, meaning amount of each medication I take, and maybe what I take as well. So I guess my psychiatrist, when I go, is "tasting the cake" to see if she has it just right yet and if not, what she needs to change. I just want some cake. : )
So yes, my days are probably pretty boring, but everything still overwhelms me pretty much. Mark has been asking me what do I want for my birthday, where do I want to go, have I made reservations there or should he, etc. etc. Even that was too much pressure. I finally told him to just surprise me - pick out a restaurant and make a reservation and we would go there. I am usually the one to plan everything about birthdays, even my own, at least when it comes to dinner. This year? The thought of making sure it is happy and pleasant and special is just too much. Just whatever, you know? Get on with it, someone just take care of it and let it happen, or we can just sit home on the couch and I'll order Chinese. That sounds very low stress and no pressure to me. Not that I don't want to go out - picking out an outfit or going to buy a new one is within my capabilities. I *think*. I broke my running watch, never sent it in for free repairs. I dropped my laptop, still haven't sent it in for free repairs. Do I just not have enough time? OF COURSE I DO! I'm home all day every day!
I wish there was someone who just "got me". I wish I would meet someone who understood me, if I explained myself they had felt everything I have ever felt before, they would just completely understand and maybe even be able to explain things to me as I could to them as well. But this is a very lonely disease. People don't understand what I mean about "feeling too much". They only know what they know, and I get that. You don't know what you don't know, which is true for me as well, I don't know what I don't know or haven't felt. I don't know everything either. But I just wish I could find a kindred spirit. I think that is asking too much though and feeling lonely, no matter how many friends or people I know, will always be a part of me.