Trying to Overcome

My husband gave me an iPad for Valentine's Day and I'm trying to get used to the keyboard so I am begging for patience!

I traded in my car for a Range Rover Sport. It's absolutely ridiculous when you get stuck in snow half a block from your house because the roads haven't been plowed yet!

My therapist is doing phone sessions with me now. I had my first one last week and today will be my second. It helps tremendously talking to someone who understands and gives suggestions. One suggestion was light therapy so I bought one of those things that reminds me of a very bright lite-brite but have only used it once.

I asked my husband why no one is kicking me in the ass and telling me to get it together. He responded, "because we love you!" I asked my therapist the same question because that is how I really feel, and she said "because we care about you!" Extremely sweet answers, yet, I don't quite know how to process it.

I lost my only Chicago friend but I am okay with it for some reason. It's actually the second time she has "dumped" me so whatever!  The first time was because she broke up with my husband's friend and I had to practically grovel for her to be my friend. This time is because we had plans and when she sent me a text at the end of December to confirm, I didn't reply. That is when I started getting so antisocial.

So a few days ago I sent her a text apologizing and explaining I had not been going though a great time. She is one of almost no one I have told about my illness (but depression, not bipolar) so I thought she may have some empathy. I was being totally honest, not just using it as an excuse. Her response wasn't hateful but it was pretty obvious she was ending the relationship. I thought about it for a day and then responded I wished her well.

Then I went on Facebook and found that not only had she unfriended me, which I don't care about, but she had blocked me as well! Huh? Talk about over reaction, but in my opinion, she over reacted when she broke up with my husband's friend. I guess she felt rejected, but wow.  I do have people blocked but only two and they are ex boyfriends.

I went to my husband's car club dinner and and my purpose for being there was to help him make friends and be his +1. He's an introvert. So I introduced both of us to the two other couples at our table, and I realized he was a bit star stuck by one person. I was just having a normal conversation with him and Mark was whispering things to me about him, like "you've seen him on Jay Leno's Garage".  Uh, that means absolutely zero to me and if I was in the same room when that was on I wouldn't have been paying attention.

So they were doing what they called the "entertainment" of the evening and oh my God I don't know if I've ever been so bored in my life. It wasn't a social interaction part of the evening so I left the room and sat in a hotel chair playing iPhone games. After quite awhile, Mark came out and saw me sitting there and asked if I wanted to go home and at first I said no but there was no way when he kept asking that I could turn it down. Now I feel horrible. I better understand who that guy was and why he would be such a rock star in Mark's world. He may never get that sort of opportunity again although it means so little to me I don't quite understand why it wouldn't happen again.

I've now gained about 15 pounds but made another appointment with my psychiatrist for next week and intend on keeping it. I told the girl who made my appointment that I had been missing them because I am finding it difficult to leave the house and she asked if I had enough medication to last until my appointment. I think I do but she said if I needed refills to call and they would call my pharmacy. I thought that was so very nice!!! This must be more of a common problem than I ever knew.

8 comments:

susie said...

It seems like Mark wanted to go home to, since he kept asking...

Kristy said...

Glad your back writing and starting to work on your depression. I have also been in a funk since December.

Amy Purdy said...

That was not a true friend, so I am glad you are not too upset about the loss. And I agree, total overreaction on her part. I don't have many friends for the same reason, but I sure am thankful for those few who understand that when I feel well I am a great friend and when I am not well I NEED a great friend...and often that just means giving me space to sort out my head and being there when I get back to being me.

Enjoy your new vehicle!

Lynn said...

I hope you're feeling better!

KansasSunflower said...

Susie - yes, you are right. I found out later he wasnt't feeling well!

KansasSunflower said...

Kristy - thank you! I hope you are feeling better!

KansasSunflower said...

Amy - exactly!!! I'm glad someone understands about how I need to interact with friends. I am pretty understanding, but sometimes I wonder if I just don't make a good friend.

KansasSunflower said...

Lynn - thank you! I think I might be!:)

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