What's Wrong With Me?

Sorry I have been away, all is not great right now but all is not lost, if that makes sense.  I keep trying to figure out WHAT has got me in this funk, but when my mind tries to pin it on something, later I realize that's not it.  I have no explanation except to chalk it up to my chemical imbalance.

I have been totally unmotivated to do anything (like write in my blog), am very anti-social and do not like leaving the house.  I have missed numerous appointments I've made with just about every sort of service simply because I can not make myself leave the house.  It's not anxiety about anything, I just don't feel up to it and don't feel "suitable for public viewing".  My self confidence is at a low, and I have this extreme fear of attempting something and failing.

I have missed two psychiatric appointments and am reluctant to make another one simply to not show up again.  I know I will be forced to eventually when my medications start running out which won't be long.  My therapist is a true saint.  I keep missing her appointments to but she somehow stays with me, calling to make sure I am okay, etc.  I finally confessed it was extremely difficult for me to leave the house.  She suggested a phone session and said that was what she was there for - to help me.  Wow, even in situations like this?  Maybe people in the psychiatric business get people like me once in a while and if they really do care about people, they truly do want to help.  At least my therapist seems to care.

I keep thinking that everyone around me is enabling me - telling me it is okay not to go to school or work right now.  I feel like such a failure and that SOMEONE should kick me in the ass and tell me to get it together.  Yet no one is, the people in my life are so compassionate and I don't know why.  Even Mark - why doesn't he tell me to just DO SOMETHING? Maybe it is because I tell him my doctors suggested not to right now, but I have been missing so many appointments, no one has actually told me at this very moment to kick myself in the ass and get it together.

I wish I felt like writing about Christmas and the events I was able to attend before I got this way, but I am just not motivated enough to do it.  Also - my opinions about myself and why I am that way (like in the first paragraph) constantly change.  It seems like if I write an entry, perhaps in an hour I will change what I think and feel which happens often.

I have regrets - like making plans with my only good friend in Chicago and when she sent me a text to confirm, over a month ago, I didn't even bother responding and still haven't.  I don't want to lose her friendship but I don't want to come with ANOTHER lie to someone as to what has been wrong with me.  I suppose the truth is always an option, I'm just afraid of rejection.  Perhaps if she does reject me, which I'm sure she feels I have done to her right now, the friendship wasn't meant to be.  I don't know that I could be friends with someone as rude as myself.

 Mark and I have a charity dinner to go to on Saturday, and I so do not feel like going.  I can tell he senses it because he keeps bringing up how he is wanting me to be his "wing-man" in meeting new people.  I am usually extremely extroverted and when I'm "on", everyone is my friend.  But I'm not "on".  Who knows how I will feel when I'm around a lot of people I don't know.  Maybe I will be "on" and maybe not, but with such low self confidence, I think I will be struggling.

13 comments:

susie said...

Well, I'm glad you are blogging. It seems like everyone is in a funk, mostly due to the weather. We've had 103 inches of the fluffy white stuff. The people across the street dug out their front yard so the dog could pee!

Maybe you should go to the charity event in "off" mode and see how it goes.

I have a new blog address. Just click on Susie.

Amy Purdy said...

I go through this a lot. A LOT! (understatement) It's good that you have an understanding and patient therapist. I need to get back in therapy, but it seems like the times when I need to go the most, I just can't find the mental strength to do so. The last few appointments I went from calling to cancel and making excuses to not calling at all, and when she would call to check on me I didn't answer the phone. She probably thinks I am dead, and I feel really guilty about it, but I can't muster up enough courage to call back and make an appointment or anything. It's been several months, so I have probably been dropped from the clinic anyway. On the bright side, I have been able to leave the house for short errands more lately (not alone, but with my fiance). That's something, at least. I hope you feel better soon.

semicrazed said...

You're so lucky, that you have family and friends who support you, no matter how you feel or what you do. I wish I had a family like this.

xoxo

Carolyn Page said...

We deal with this issue in our house every day. The need to hibernate and wait until we feel on again. It does no good to sit there. I say this with extreme compassion and hope you take it in the same vein. Stop sitting there and allowing people to enable you. It does you no good and it helps no one. This disease shouldn't stop you from being you. Your to awesome a person to allow this to happen. Why are you letting the bipolar win? Get up and get out! Try harder. Your not doing yourself any favors and you deserve better.

toya said...

Im so glad you are back...was worried.
Im not sure if a kick ass is the best solution but its probably different to everybody.
You know what is best for you. Big hug x

Megan said...

I have experienced EVERYTHING you are talking about. For YEARS. After several months of experiments with meds, I'm feeling pretty good for the first time. If you need someone to help you with motivation and accountability well, maybe we can help each other.

KansasSunflower said...

Susie, I had to do the same for my dog!!! SO MUCH snow for you!! Ugh! I'm looking forward to checking out your new website!

KansasSunflower said...

Amy - we sound so alike right now! It's awful! So glad you are able to do small errands now!

KansasSunflower said...

Semi - really, it sounds like I have friends and family who support me? I feel the same as you though. Aside from doctors and my husband, I am alone the same as you.:(

KansasSunflower said...

Carolyn, you are right, absolutely. I forced myself the other day to go to Starbucks and sit there playing games on my phone and drinking lattes. It helped.:) I may try just this small act every day during the week because it made me feel better!

KansasSunflower said...

Thanks Toya:) I really don't know either!!!

KansasSunflower said...

Megan - thank you for showing me a ray of hope!!!!

Megan said...

Let me know if you ever need another ray :)

And it might sound cheesy/silly/dumb but I read a lot of motivational quotes. There are some great pages to follow on facebook too. Constantly finding new ones to me keeps hope in my heart and adds strength in the motivation department. :)

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