I have been totally unmotivated to do anything (like write in my blog), am very anti-social and do not like leaving the house. I have missed numerous appointments I've made with just about every sort of service simply because I can not make myself leave the house. It's not anxiety about anything, I just don't feel up to it and don't feel "suitable for public viewing". My self confidence is at a low, and I have this extreme fear of attempting something and failing.
I have missed two psychiatric appointments and am reluctant to make another one simply to not show up again. I know I will be forced to eventually when my medications start running out which won't be long. My therapist is a true saint. I keep missing her appointments to but she somehow stays with me, calling to make sure I am okay, etc. I finally confessed it was extremely difficult for me to leave the house. She suggested a phone session and said that was what she was there for - to help me. Wow, even in situations like this? Maybe people in the psychiatric business get people like me once in a while and if they really do care about people, they truly do want to help. At least my therapist seems to care.
I keep thinking that everyone around me is enabling me - telling me it is okay not to go to school or work right now. I feel like such a failure and that SOMEONE should kick me in the ass and tell me to get it together. Yet no one is, the people in my life are so compassionate and I don't know why. Even Mark - why doesn't he tell me to just DO SOMETHING? Maybe it is because I tell him my doctors suggested not to right now, but I have been missing so many appointments, no one has actually told me at this very moment to kick myself in the ass and get it together.
I wish I felt like writing about Christmas and the events I was able to attend before I got this way, but I am just not motivated enough to do it. Also - my opinions about myself and why I am that way (like in the first paragraph) constantly change. It seems like if I write an entry, perhaps in an hour I will change what I think and feel which happens often.
I have regrets - like making plans with my only good friend in Chicago and when she sent me a text to confirm, over a month ago, I didn't even bother responding and still haven't. I don't want to lose her friendship but I don't want to come with ANOTHER lie to someone as to what has been wrong with me. I suppose the truth is always an option, I'm just afraid of rejection. Perhaps if she does reject me, which I'm sure she feels I have done to her right now, the friendship wasn't meant to be. I don't know that I could be friends with someone as rude as myself.
Mark and I have a charity dinner to go to on Saturday, and I so do not feel like going. I can tell he senses it because he keeps bringing up how he is wanting me to be his "wing-man" in meeting new people. I am usually extremely extroverted and when I'm "on", everyone is my friend. But I'm not "on". Who knows how I will feel when I'm around a lot of people I don't know. Maybe I will be "on" and maybe not, but with such low self confidence, I think I will be struggling.