All About Weight

I started feeling very frustrated yesterday. I felt like no one really listened to me and it hurt my feelings although now looking back, it's not really true, yet my feelings were so hurt. I don't think I've been as nice to Mark and giving him a hard time for things he doesn't deserve. When I feel so frustrated, I actually do know that what I feel is way overblown and not rational, yet the fact that I do know this does not change the way I feel and the incredible urge to lash out.

I'm pretty sure I know what is causing this. I didn't feel this way at all until yesterday, and coincidentally just three days ago I started taking Phentermine. I started it again knowing full well it messes with my moods and not in a good way, but my need to lose the 20 or so pounds I have gained outweighs a shift in my mood in my mind, and I know it is just short term. But in the past, when I do stop taking it, that doesn't mean my moods go back to normal, it isn't that simple. 

I don't feel I can tell my therapist or psychiatrist I take it because I don't think they will approve. Also, in the past, a therapist told me I had a border line eating disorder and the last thing I want is to be counseled on losing my control or not caring about my weight. I do things like take laxatives when I have eaten a lot or gained a few pounds. I mean, it does work if only slightly and it's not like it's every day, at the most once a week. And I am constantly thinking about my weight but I wouldn't say I am obsessed.  But that is probably not normal to take laxatives for weight. I just don't want anyone telling me what to do about my weight or if I do have a problem which I'm not necessarily sure that I do, but if I do, it is incredibly minor.

I'm pretty sure I know why I feel the way I do about my weight. Looking back, I can now see that my mother must have totally had an eating disorder. She never really said anything about it, but to a child, actions can definitely speak louder than words.  And she would make comments about people who were overweight. I remember that as young as elementary school. Never, ever did she tell me a

single time I needed to lose weight. When it came to me, she never discussed my own weight or her need to stay so rail thin. Yet she made rude comments about people who were overweight and one time we had both eaten so much that our stomachs hurt and I will never forget what she said to me. She said "just think, this is how fat people feel after every time they eat". I was in elementary school and had no reference so I thought that was true. Now I know it was a stupid thing she believed. Not surprisingly, I overdosed on Dexatrim when I was about 13 or 14 and she freaked out about it and didn't understand why I would feel I needed to do that. Well because, MOM, you've made a child believe they are worthless if they are not just super thin!

I really am still that way about medication, not that Dexatrim is a medication. If two is the recommended dosage, wouldn't four be even better as I typically think however sick I am, it is better to take more to make sure it works. Dumb, I know. The only medication I do NOT feel that way about is psychiatric medications. I loathe them with a passion. I hate the side effects and the fact that I will have terrible physical withdrawals if zI miss a few doses. Every day when zI take them, I am reminded over and over that I have been diagnosed with a mental disorder. That the "real me" is not okay to be, even though I know the real me could very well take my own life and that is basically the only reason I keep taking them. I absolutely hate, hate, hate that I will be chained to them and a psychiatrist for the rest of my life. But people, doctors, always assure me that is the way it had to be. Blah!

Anyways!!!  I feel so awful about myself when I am not the weight I feel I look the best and it totally screws with my self confidence. I am truly a lot happier when I weigh what I feel looks best for myself which isn't anything unhealthy at all. I'm 5'6 and to feel the best is around 120 - 125.  I've been lower than that before, but that would be a nightmare to maintain. 

Also, I would go to the doctor and weighed that much for the longest time and I don't remember what happened but I gained weight and had gotten up to about 150, a considerable gain since my last visit. Oh my God, he really chewed me out about the weight gain, humiliated me, kept asking why and I just thought it was because I was happy and for me, that was not caring so much and being way concerned about my weight. I was expecting to get the same treatment from my new family doctor when I went in last week because I had gained 15 pounds since my last visit. I kept making appointments because I was so sick and then calling at the last minute to cancel to say I was better when I really wasn't because I did not want to be humiliated again.  When the nurse weighed me I kept expressing my concern about him being mad at me and yelling at me even though he is so incredibly nice, because I was truly freaked out about it.  She promised me he wouldn't lecture me and she was right, he didn't even mention it at all and he has said many times that I take good care of my health in the past. Maybe that was why, no clue, or I just had a true jackass of a family doctor in the past.

I do think doctors should counsel patients if they are truly considerably overweight or obese. My dad was obese and had all kinds of obesity related illnesses that eventually killed him. I think it would be a grave disservice not to have any conversation about it, but there is a right way and a wrong way to go about it.  Making someone feel like shit and not even counseling them about HOW to lose weight in a healthy way instead of being motivational about it at least is a horrible, horrible thing to do. I guess at least I have been through it so I understand how awful a doctor can make you feel when it is approached in a mean way. It did absolutely nothing except humiliate me and in no way did it motivate me to lose weight. I simply never went to him again and am now totally freaked out when they weigh me. Even though I am still technically (if not physically) in a healthy weight range, it doesn't matter. He absolutely scarred me for life!!!

This whole post is about my insecurities with my weight. Ugh.


susie said...

That doctor needs a kick in his arse, because 150 is still in the healthy range for you. I know, because I'm an inch shorter than you, and I know the numbers.

I understand that you don't want to weigh that, but you didn't deserve a lecture.

KansasSunflower said...

Thanks Suse! I left out the part that my husband who I had just started dating was in the room as well when the doctor humiliated me about my weight. Could he not have asked him to leave first? Mortifying on so, so many levels!!!! I feel bad for women who need to lose weight and get a doctor like that. Or women who don't need to lose weight and still get it!!!!!!! said...

I'm so sorry youre strugglign with your weight and thoughts about it. I think some level of compulsion aroudn eating is okay, but you know that laxatives will not help you lose weight and taking pills (I've neve rheard of that pill you say you take) will only solve the problem for a short while. I know, cause I have a borderlien eating disorder too, and I know I tend to trvialize it.

I am sorry about the doctor reinforcing your ED issues by lecturing you on your weight. Even if you were overweight, losing weight will only work in the short term and it's working on your moods and emotions that will work in the long term. I'm not saying you need to stop attempting ot lose weight, but it won't solve your eating issue.

KansasSunflower said...

Hi BloggingAstrid! Thank you so much for your comment. I know that every single thing you said is so right, yet even knowing that doesn't change how I think and feel about myself but it sounds like you know that already. I simply can't, although I know maybe, just maybe, I should mention it to my therapist but the thing is, I am scared to death of changing which could lead to me not caring and get hugely obese. Does that make any sense?

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