Weight Confusion

Oh my goodness, I am so horrified that I told my therapist about my obsession about my weight. But I didn't tell her everything, and made clear I didn't want to change. What I left out? It could have been the most alarming part, or maybe not, or maybe none of this is even concerning at all and I made an issue out of so something that it is not. Obviously I did not tell her I am taking Phentermine (but legally! Described by a doctor, I think, kind of confused how this whole thing is going down). And of course I did not tell her about my use of laxatives, but I don't use them all the time. I did go to a drug store yesterday to buy a stronger laxative because they only sell really wimpy ones at Wal Mart that don't even work for me anymore, not even a little, not even taking a bit more than the suggested dosage, not even taking them day after day. On the stronger laxative I took yesterday, they worked. Strangely, this is what I consider to be a strong laxative that used to be pretty darned cleansing and give me cramps and diarrhea. This morning, no diarrhea, just a bowel movement, although it does seem that it did a good job.

I'm feeling so much better now since my surgery. It seems like the pain is gone and I feel like doing things again. I'm not as lazy. I clean up around the house more than I have in a long time, am energetic, look forward to social events, and I even enrolled in school! I'm just taking one class over the summer, per my therapist's suggestion, and a class that I think I will enjoy - psychology. I'm actually looking forward to it!

The Phentermine, even though I've been taking it for almost two months now, still makes me feel so anxious, enough that I take a bit of klonipin to just get a bit of chill from the overwhelming anxiety.  I am assuming that, as in the past, eventually it won't make me as anxious and I won't have to , I guess it is what I am doing, an upper and then a downer. Usually after 3 months it hardly works anymore and they recommend a one month break before starting again, but almost two months in and I am still getting THAT anxious? It really has me baffled.

Last week on MY scale I was at 138, so it is slowly going down. On the scale at the weight loss clinic I have no idea what it will say. Whatever the number, it is always a shocking one, good or bad, and of course I can't help my reaction of disbelief.

This will all be over with just 13 more pounds. I have to keep it together until then!
 

Insecure

Don't think Mark got the job, mainly on going be what he said. There were 4 people who interviewed and 2 were called back which did not include Mark. I think he got very intimidated, thinking about who these people were and their accomplishments. But his recruiter asked that he not tell Mark other interviews were going on in case something happened with them, so he didn't totally blow it like he thought. I think it was extremely good experience interviewing for a role at this level. Next time, and I am certain there will be one, he'll know extreme anxiety is his biggest enemy. When it comes to anxiety, I really don't have any answers and lately, he seems to get angry and bitter if I try to help with anything he's going through. I feel like if I just listen and say nothing more than "I'm sorry you feel that way" or whatever, it seems like I don't actually care, but perhaps that is just my perception.

I'm still struggling with my weight. I was at 141.3 last Friday I think. So awful! Now Mark seems to be watching what I eat, even commenting on it which makes me so mad but he doesn't know it. I'm afraid I'm going to go off on him. I give myself enough pressure over weight without feeling like my husband is watching everything I put in my mouth! Why does he have to comment that *I* am out of tortilla chips (I eat the baked ones, he doesn't). Why can't he say there are crumbs on the kitchen floor instead of "it looks like someone was eating chips over the counter".  I feel like they are digs, and him reminding me that I shouldn't be eating the way I suppose he fears I am. He also thinks that Seroquel and Trazadone are exactly alike, I will eat like I did on Seroquel, but the Seroquel thing is really far out there. Why can't he just let me be unless he sees a noticeable weight gain and is convinced I've given up? I would be running right now which would probably prove something to him, but I just had my gallbladder out a few weeks ago!

I feel so insecure, I don't measure up to anyone's expectations, and I just stay home all day. But I am slowly doing more around the house every day, especially since I'm starting to feel better from my surgery. I have more energy and am now getting bored of being at home all the time. I start school in June and I'm so ready to start this new chapter in my life.

Job Prospect Concerns

It's been one day over two weeks since I had my gallbladder removed and either I don't make a follow up appt with the doctor after surgery or like today, called and rescheduled. I don't exactly know why I don't want to go. I feel like I have to wear something with an elastic waistband, so sweats, and have no idea is I would even be able to get anything else to fit around my waist.

I'm getting discouraged. It feels like I'm not losing weight even though I am taking Phentermine. I thought I had only lost, best case scenario, 7 pounds when I went to get my monthly refill, but their scale said I had lost 12. From 154 to 142. I don't know whose scale is wrong.

Mark has been working towards getting this CIO position. I have to admit, I think about it a lot, too much. I will be disappointed if he doesn't get it but I'm not so selfish to think only of myself. My first concern is Mark, how he will take it. Hopefully he will get it but I don't know. Seems like a big leap and such a surreal position, not that he wouldn't kick butt at it. I just keep wondering what, if anything, is expected from the wife of a CIO? Double salary and bonus would be so very huge. It doesn't seem like that happens in real life, although Mark is the hardest worker and probably smartest person with the most ambition I have ever known. Just wish I could stop thinking about it! It excites me and I don't want to be because I don't want to be disappointed! Wow, I have no self esteem if I get so anxious about a career that is not even my own. I am getting pretty mad at myself over it. Why am I setting myself up for disappointment when I am not even the one who is going out on a limb? I so wish I was more like him.  I am so scared of failure.

I may be back to not wanting to go anywhere again. This time I think it may have to do with how I feel about my appearance. My weight, my clothes not fitting, etc. I am at a loss about this. I am afraid to bring it up to my therapist.

And I so am not looking forward to being disappointed over Mark's job prospect. Why can't I stop thinking about it and how our lives might change? I hate it!!!!

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