Weight Confusion

Oh my goodness, I am so horrified that I told my therapist about my obsession about my weight. But I didn't tell her everything, and made clear I didn't want to change. What I left out? It could have been the most alarming part, or maybe not, or maybe none of this is even concerning at all and I made an issue out of so something that it is not. Obviously I did not tell her I am taking Phentermine (but legally! Described by a doctor, I think, kind of confused how this whole thing is going down). And of course I did not tell her about my use of laxatives, but I don't use them all the time. I did go to a drug store yesterday to buy a stronger laxative because they only sell really wimpy ones at Wal Mart that don't even work for me anymore, not even a little, not even taking a bit more than the suggested dosage, not even taking them day after day. On the stronger laxative I took yesterday, they worked. Strangely, this is what I consider to be a strong laxative that used to be pretty darned cleansing and give me cramps and diarrhea. This morning, no diarrhea, just a bowel movement, although it does seem that it did a good job.

I'm feeling so much better now since my surgery. It seems like the pain is gone and I feel like doing things again. I'm not as lazy. I clean up around the house more than I have in a long time, am energetic, look forward to social events, and I even enrolled in school! I'm just taking one class over the summer, per my therapist's suggestion, and a class that I think I will enjoy - psychology. I'm actually looking forward to it!

The Phentermine, even though I've been taking it for almost two months now, still makes me feel so anxious, enough that I take a bit of klonipin to just get a bit of chill from the overwhelming anxiety.  I am assuming that, as in the past, eventually it won't make me as anxious and I won't have to , I guess it is what I am doing, an upper and then a downer. Usually after 3 months it hardly works anymore and they recommend a one month break before starting again, but almost two months in and I am still getting THAT anxious? It really has me baffled.

Last week on MY scale I was at 138, so it is slowly going down. On the scale at the weight loss clinic I have no idea what it will say. Whatever the number, it is always a shocking one, good or bad, and of course I can't help my reaction of disbelief.

This will all be over with just 13 more pounds. I have to keep it together until then!
 

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