Finally, stigma rears it's ugly head.

I don't even want to write about this because I've cried enough and just don't want to think about it, push it out of my mind.

I had been feeling really awful for several days. One night, I went to bed and got up about 5 times in 3 hours and drank an entire bottled water each time. I would still be thirsty but drinking so much water so quickly gave me a gagging feeling so I would go back to bed still thirsty. Then wake up and do it all over again.

Finally around 1:30am I got tired of it and just stayed up. The longer I was up, the more extremely fatigued I felt, and it was extreme. Didn't matter if I drank coffee, took an energy pill, my body had had it. I missed school that day. Two days later, on a test day, I missed again. I will admit on that day I was also totally freaking over test anxiety.

I told my teacher and she said I could make up the test if I brought a doctor's note. I go to a clinic where there are two doctors, and mine wasn't available when I needed, so I saw a woman doctor I had never seen.

She diagnosed me with sodium deficiency (without a blood test), told me to start eating more salt and salty snacks and drink Gatorade for the electrolytes. the note I needed. I got home and wasn't there for long and that incredible fatigue set in again. I had made plans that day to go into the city with my friend but there was no way I could have done that.

The next day, I was so tired but went to school. The lectures are 3 hours long and I had to get up and go buy more things to drink because I was so thirsty!

After class, I was walking to my car and had planned to do several things after class, then that crazy fatigue hit me again. I wish I could say it was a feeling of being tired so I would be able to just sleep it off, but it is not like that at all.

I left a message for that same doctor to call me back as that was probably the worst I had felt to that point. While waiting for her to call back, I seriously considered going to the emergency room.

She did call me, and what she said shocked me, although I knew one day this exact scenario was going to play out. After explaining how much worse all of my symptoms were, she actually said I should call my psychiatrist.  Then she added maybe it was a medication issue. I was pretty unhappy about that, but I still needed her help and at that time my motive was to convince her that no, that was not what was wrong with me.

Finally, she said to get a blood test in the office this morning (which I did not and will not do) and to make a follow up appointment with the other doctor, my regular doctor because....she said "maybe he will have more ideas". I feel, basically? She brushed me off and thinks it is either in my head or reactions from medications when I have not changed anything in about 6 months.  I felt at such a disadvantage and still do. Here she has the knowledge that I have a mental illness that is being treated, yet trying to reason with her when she basically thinks I am not all there mentally.

I can't even put into words how insignificant and small she made me feel.

Yesterday I was mad. Today I cried about it, but not overly so. I tell no one but my husband and doctors who are on a need to know basis that I am bipolar - and this is one of the biggest reasons.

The next time I see a medical doctor besides my psychiatrist will be in the emergency room because I am dying. Serious as a heart attack about that.


aladak said...

I just discovered your blog - and I really love it. As someone with mental illness who also writes for a blog ( really appreciate authentic and honest writing! Thanks for your honesty and openness, you're really incredible! Check out my blog if you get a chance, and I'd love any feedback you have

KansasSunflower said...

Thanks Aladak! Looking forward to checking out your blog!:)

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