Starting Again.

Just made my blog public again, so sure there aren't many who find this site or read it, but it has given me some clarity as to writing for myself. This was simply to be a type of diary that I could look back and see where I had become depressed/hypomanic and see if there was any triggers or long it could have been going on.  I guess it is what many bipolars would call a type of mood marker, although I guess it has turned into so much joy.

I'm sure I mentioned it, but I made it public because  my husband asked me to.  He had applied for CIO job and didn't want it to be found since he is the only person that I specifically by him that I can remember.  He did interview it but didn't get it.  Extremely disappointing for him, but he has since been contacted by another CIO recruiter and before it went any further, he declined it.  I'm glad.  He now says he wants to stay in Chicago, which now *I* do too!

I FINALLY have the social life I've always wanted.  We go to all and any kind of events, usually with the same couples.  I have my own new best friend and I am so proud of myself for making a friend on my own.  I really adore her!  She is going through her own issues and talks to me about them, so it has been very easy just to tell her the truth about everything to her about me.  Except one thing.  I am  bipolar, but at least I told her I struggle with depression and take medication for it which isn't totally untrue.  I mainly get extremely depressed at times, and the hypomania doesn't get too bad.  Once recognized, I know exactly what to do depending on the severity.  So finally a friend that I hopefully can keep because she is so nonjudgmental and am able to tell someone how I REALLY feel about anything generally or specifically.  I finally have someone that if I am not up to something, anything, she seems like she wouldn't take it personally, mainly in my mind I think it is because she already knows I struggle with depression and told her all the things that happen when I am that way.  Don't want to leave the house, cry every day (for some of my depressions, not all).  She even asked if I was moving once because we are getting so close and I assume she has the same fear as I do - abandonment, because she told me of all the friends she had had that she lost as soon as she has moved (7 times!) because her husband took a new job.  Therein lies part of the problem for her but only a very small part as to why she is also unhappy.  Yet we make each happier, laugh, and always ask about each other's daily mood, so to speak.  How's your day, doing well?  first thing in the morning for instance.

I see that as a real positive for me and anyone who has read my blog knows how lonely I have felt for so long, that no one understands but my doctors.  I can't really put too much on her back because she is telling me about her very real things that have her depressed, situational, but said she is trying her best to get back to the person she has always been - therapy, medication, anything it takes.  How can someone not to be that person's friend?

I started school last week but missed both of my classes this week.  Ugh!  I had gotten severely dehydrated somehow, I am actually diagnosing myself.  My friend and I were in the sun buying flowers for our yards, and we realized we were both extremely blushed everywhere when we got to  her car.  That night, I kept waking up thirstier than I have ever been in my entire life.  Maybe four, or five? times I had gotten up at night and drank an entire bottled water and still wanted more, but knew I would throw up if I kept drinking.  Around 1:30 I gave up and stayed up but was SO FATIGUED and knew better than to try and go to school.  But when Thursday came, test day, I totally freaked because I had been so lethargic I wasn't able to study for the test, but at least I did all the homework which she could see for herself - it is online (but not an online class).  I emailed the teacher a few hours before class to tell her I had dehydration and she was really cool with it, will let me make it up....as long as I have a doctor's note.  Ugh.  Hope he gives me one because I was not lying in way, shape or form.  He seems nice of him to do, but I've never gone to him without something really, really being wrong.  And it was this time.  But Thursday?  I should have MADE myself go.  It was a test day!

My weight is out of control, I keep gaining.  Now almost up to 145 (143.3 if you want to be technical, which I do), so that is plus or minus 13 pounds I've gained and my clothes don't fit well at all.  I know I'm doing the whole "bulimia" thing - binge then purge with laxatives which I think greatly enhanced the dehydration.  I am going back to the diet clinic soon (if I could just make myself go) but even that is a symptom of bulimia.  Laxatives, binge eating, and diet pills. You would think with all that I would be thin, but I'm not obviously. My friend is trying to lose weight too but she is going about it very hard, yet the same way I originally lost 50 pounds.  Just don't eat.  So she was dehydrated the same night that I was.

I did another bad thing, and I can't figure out why.  I have had a bottle of Geoden since I stopped in 2011 (according to the label).  Last night, for some stupid reason, I wanted to escape if only for awhile.  I took maybe....8?  10?  Woke up and it was horrible.  Missed our friend's high school graduation party, but at least I had bought him a card and got a crisp, new bill to put in it so all Mark had to do was grab it and go.  I was so happy that at least one of us went - representing, you know?

I'm taking too much klonipin every day, but the diet pills make me way too anxious and I think I may be addicted to them  mentally now.  Of course physically, I think that part is a big deal about them, but mentally? I would throw them away but I have read that going cold turkey off of them makes you very, very sick.  I hope I don't run out before I can get to the doctor and get a new prescription!

So we have 4 upcoming events planned until around mid-July. I think after that, I will plan my first ever house party.  I'm pretty excited to have one!  See?  Just a few months and I've changed so much emotionally.  Or maybe it's all the pills I take on a situation basis. I am now trying to cut back on the over the counter-hype me up diet pills.  But...I'm still going to go to the diet center and get more phentermine.  This is just my month off.  I go 3 on and 1 off.  It's close enough now.  I stopped on the 3rd and it's the 22nd.  I don't think they will be THAT serious about it!

I have been spending more money than I should, but my therapist and psychiatrist had told me in the past that all of my purchases had meant something, they were for a specific reason, so it wasn't hypomania.  This time so many stores had clothes online on sale, and I really had gotten into decorating the deck and the front yard.  But no more!  And why buy clothes at your heaviest?  I'm so confused about what size to order now.  Size one million, or my "normal" size?  I need clothes now, yet, they may be too big in just a few weeks, so I don't know what to do.  I had been buying them at my "normal weight" but now, duh, they are a bit too small.  I look in the mirror or at recent photographs taken of me and thing UGH!  So ugly and depressing.

That's about it, I think I've covered everything, but if not, a new post will come!

2 comments:

susie said...

Glad your back. Shop J.Jill for cute outfits. Stretchy but cute while you diet.

KansasSunflower said...

Thanks Susie (hugs!!) The clothes on that site are adorable and look so comfy!:)

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