Anxiety

A friend posted an article trying to explain deep depression and why someone would want to take their life. It was an excellent description, but it brought up old painful memories and was hard for me to read. I haven't forgotten how very desperate severe depression has made me feel, but that is a place I rarely let my mind visit because it scares the crap out of me, the idea that I will one day be back there. I've always said that unless someone has been there, seeing suicide as the only way out, so tortured mentally that you absolutely can not take it anymore and the only way you see to to get relief  from that crushing, totally unbearable torture is to end your life. All hope has been lost that you could feel any differently and the worst part is that you are convinced what a worthless person you are with zero hope for the future. Although at those times, hope was the only thing I had left, but it is so hard to keep even a shred of that. For me, once even that slips away, there is nothing left. Right now I can say if I took my life it would hurt many people, but I didn't believe that then. I was convinced the world, especially my loved ones, would be better off without me.

If there is anything positive at all about a Robin Williams death is that right now suicide is not a taboo subject. People are openly discussing it and it is not a subject buried in the closet that no one dares to utter. Perhaps, but I doubt it, people are realizing that someone can't simply snap out of it, think positively instead of dwelling on negatively, get out of the house, listen to upbeat music, we're just not trying hard enough and I guess we choose to wallow in pity. Yet, unless someone has experienced it, how can they know? All they know is what they do to cheer themselves up. I think it must be difficult to believe anyone could feel anything different than they have. How would they know deep depression when they have never felt it? I think many people think they have felt all of the emotions a person could have, and why wouldn't they? So hard to imagine emotions that you've never felt and can't comprehend. Yet I know they exist. I know there is a depth of depression I haven't felt, and I absolutely know there are manias that I haven't felt but with my small experience can at least understand.

I haven't been running and just don't have the desire even though I know that is counter productive. Running is supposed to make me feel better, and it does, I just don't want to.

I created an etsy shop and am keeping busy learning how to run a business and perfecting my craft. I have to photograph my items when I list them for sale and that has proven to be the most difficult. I can't figure out the perfect background for my items and I know the photos are what can make or break my shop. I've spent an insane amount of time on Gimp. Had I not had any experience with Photoshop, this application would be harder although difficult to imagine that! I try to do one thing myself for hours and hours until I decide to find a tutorial that makes me even more frustrated but it does eventually (after wasting half a day just on gimp) finally do what I was trying to do, even if I still don't get the result that I wanted. People do say it is a very difficult application, and I suppose eventually, probably years from now, I will know it like the back of my hand.

But having my own home business, even though I haven't sold anything yet and don't expect to for awhile, is actually the absolute perfect job for me. For example, recently I ran out of klonipin and was taking very tiny doses of what I normally take - about 1/4.  I was so on edge, freaking out about everything, so insecure because of anxiety and lies my brain was telling me. It was one of those things where you have these awful emotions and my brain tries to make sense of it by attaching itself to different things, making me so very anxious about whatever it has decided is the problem. I so very hate that! Any negative emotion that I have that is actually chemical in nature, even if I know that it is, doesn't keep me from feeling what I feel about whatever situation that my mind chooses.

I tried to compensate by taking double my trazadone because for sone reason that has a calming effect on me. I have no idea why, but it totally screwed me up. In my head, I knew exactly what I wanted to say but when I tried to verbalized it, it didn't come out. I was searching for words that I couldn't find and it was all coming out jumbled.  I had to tell Mark what was up because...something was very obviously wrong with me. My memory is so horrible lately, but on that much trazadone, I was incapable of even remembering just basic things I was doing. Forgetting to close the refrigerator and leaving the doors wide open, putting things in the total wrong place. I hated it, and I hated that I was unable to function. I left my glue gun on until the house smelled like burning plastic yet I could not figure out what the smell was so I just left it. Of course Mark figured it out right away when he got home and I got the typical..not really a lecture, but more of a conversation to be more careful. However, that is a pretty common conversation we have about things in general.

Oh! So why having a home business is good for me! Lately I cannot count on myself from one day to the next to be functional. So if I'm depressed or have a medication issue, whatever, I just simply don't work that day. If I had a 9 to 5 job I would be required to be at work no matter what. I wouldn't have the luxury of doing what I needed to do to take care of myself.  I would say I definitely work more than 40 hours a week, but I love that it is when I want to do it. It will take time to build my business so I have to stay motivated despite my impatience. Luckily Mark is supportive. I will eventually paste the link on my website, but I am not ready to do that yet. I think it is too crappy right now - just everything about it and I want honest feedback from anyone who might be reading my blog, especially since my hiatus. I just didn't even want to think about how I felt and writing would have forced me to do that. I guess I am past that now. Except when I was addicted to World of Warcraft, this is probably the longest I've gone without writing in my blog.

I am so worried about Mark. First of all, he is having severe anxiety, and I am certain it is social anxiety, although I am sure other things in his life are causing anxiety as well. He has an appointment with a psychiatrist in about a month and I know he us desperately trying to wait to get help until then.

A bigger worry I have is that he went to a dermatologist about a lump on his neck that I had been nagging him to do for a long time, yet do not know why he finally did it. The doctor took a sample of the lump and sent it to be analyzed but I guess it was only skin so now he is getting it removed so they can do a biopsy and find out what it is. He said the doctor said it was probably a cyst, but I bet they tell everyone that no matter what they think it might be. If the doctor suspects it is cancer but it turns out not to be, someone would have spent all that time dealing with the feelings of having cancer as well as loved ones freaking out. I wouldn't say I am freaking out really, but am dealing with the very real possibility he could have cancer and if so, has it spread. I am pretty sure I would not want to live without him, but this is not about me and my emotions, this is him. The last thing he needs is to have to manage my emotions about it. That wouldn't be right.

I have a lot more I want to write but this is too long already and I should get my butt to work.

Wishing everyone happiness and peace of mind today! Virtual hugs from me to anyone reading this!

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