Long Time! Robin made me crawl out of the woodwork!

So long since I've posted.  I think I have been pushing my down my feelings and not thinking about them.  What is the use?  So tired of analyzing and comparing yet I know I should do it.  I'm just not sure to what extent - how far or little should I take it?

I'm sure the depression and bipolar community are overwhelmed with grief about Robin Williams, as am I.  He was inspirational to me in a way that my friends don't know and I will venture out and say *perhaps* they could possibly understand, but I the keys to my dark secrets tight to my chest

I looked up to Robin because I knew he had bipolar disorder, yet he seemed to make it work for him.  Manias (hopefully controlled) would give someone as talented as he was so much creativity and the ability to make multiple generations laugh.  I would say he was beloved by most in the country.

It also seemed to me that he was able to really harness and use his memory of deep depression, creating beautiful, memorable and emotional scenes that was so out of character I'm sure many thought.  Yet it wasn't.  The funny, the emotional, they were all the same person.  That's the gift (curse?) bipolar disorder brings us.

Being Bipolar 2, I don't wonder so much about people do when they are manic, but I love to hear the stories!  People who have never experienced mania absolutely do not understand and can't give much of a response.  I've experienced hypomania, so while it isn't as severe as a full blown mania, I still completely understand how something becomes so very real and logical to people at that moment and I believe it wholeheartedly, no doubt in my mind and it is frustrating when other people can't see the writing on the wall that is SO PAINFULLY OBVIOUS (to me). (I don't get any fun out of mania, just incredible, inescapable, obsessive irritation and anger about a person or incident.)  A few times it has been an awesome extra-special feeling of that heightened excitement of spring fever, just multiplied a few times, though thankfully I have never done anything too horrible.  I bought too much at Ulta once which is such a small price to pay for feeling GOOD, really good for a change.  I'm sure I don't have to tell anyone who reads this what the next chapter was after hypomania that in no way makes it worth it on any level.

I've admired several people with bipolar disorder that was very functional, as we should be if we can manage to control our disease which is a mystery to every psychiatrist about what works for one, and what for another.

Robin I've always looked up to, yet was very attuned to the idea what MIGHT happen, what happens to I've read 20% of people diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  One out of 5 of us commit suicide, why?  Ask me when I'm suicidal and I will tell you, but right now I cannot fathom choosing hanging as my end to suffering.

I'm curious - to those who are  bipolar and get those incredibly black, severe, walls caving in on you  depression, feeling 100% of the time there is a black cloud always over your head that negatively distorts everything that is around you, like a black depressing filter.  Does anyone have a plan in mind that when things do go dark what they're permanent out is?  I am not dumb.  Having this for almost 20 years, I know it will eventually happen again.  Even my husband talks about what we should do WHEN it happens again because at least he is a realist, no reason to hope it won't because it will. So in those dark moments, are there those who are still contemplating the method IF a way out was needed? Praying no one does!

I do, which I don't feel comfortable discussing after what happened with Robin.  Yet, in those darkest moments, just knowing my options can soothe me at least a little bit.  I don't want to do it, but knowing it is there if I wanted to, I could.  I've been totally upfront with my psychiatrist and therapist about it, that it soothes me even if I am not to that point.

Which takes me back to Robin.  They say cuts and blood were found on his wrists, so apparently he tried that first, got desperate then hung himself with a belt.  That is nowhere in my options list.  I'm thinking that has got to be a very last resort option, incredibly desperate from being tortured day in and out.

While people mourn a very sweet and extraordinary talent that I also mourn, I am more sad that his mental illness got the best of him after years and years of treatment.  Perhaps we never "get the hang" of this.  I don't want to be tortured with severe depressions that come out of nowhere for the rest of my life. Not saying I had a choice though, just do all I can to be healthy.  Easier said than done.  Sometimes I go on strike simply because I am sick of taking pills until a withdrawal symptom affects me and I'm back on the wagon. That only gives me 2-3 days max.  Psychiatric drugs are nasty that way.

As far as what is going on with me...I'm okay I guess.  I never know for sure because I will be talking to one of my doctors and they will tell me I'm depressed which is always a complete surprise to me.  I can't get used to depression not being just crying all the time, although that is what kind I have been getting for awhile.  Yes, I have breakdowns here and there, or maybe for a few days, but the other depression symptoms aren't so obvious.  It is weird and I don't understand why I feel and do things that I am doing until a doctor informs me.

I created my own ebusiness and have been really busy with that.  I hope it takes off.  I have thought of posting a link here on this website, but I don't want anyone to think I expect them to buy something from me.  No, those that I know used to visit me often, I would simply like suggestions.  Who better to ask than the creative minds we have being bipolar? :)  It is  one of the better things we have, but at a huge cost.

So...I don't get out that much because I am in my "studio" creating.  I am trying to remember this is a slow process and to be patient.  It would be so easy to get discouraged, but all business (or most) are created in that first year - isn't that right?  And they go out of business in that same year.  But I don't have any costs besides material and my time.  And I guess to consider things such as gas spent, car insurance, internet connections - at least for the part I monopolize for my ebusiness?  Still trying to work out good but fair retail prices.  I hate the business part of it.

Mark had a biopsy done on a lump on his neck but it wasn't enough to tell the dermatologist if he had cancer or something like a cyst. I'm not prepared to think that Mark may have cancer - I don't think I can process this right now.  In a couple of weeks the dermatologist is going to remove the lump and have it sent to the lab.  He told Mark it was probably a cyst, but I know they start out telling everyone that.  They did me as well before I got my breast biopsy.  They were right, I don't have cancer, or didn't then (about 2 years overdue on a mammogram when I have been told to go ever 6 months - that is just too much!), but I do have some weird fibroid disease in my breasts, hence the need to go so often, to make sure none of the fibroids have turned cancerous.  But I am so over it, I barely think of it.

But with Mark - I am genuinely worried.  Dermatologists are notorious for having 5 minute consults. My experience is maybe ten minutes, so I don't think his doctor gave him much information. 

Never fear, the internot-bot is here!!!  Just hope I don't completely scare the hell out of myself about what it might be!

Thanks everyone for reading...not sure if anyone is still here, but I do write for myself.  I get lonely, though.

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