God knows this blog is full of me saying "Why this" and "how did that.." with obvious answers, so that is where I have empathy. Just because I see it does not mean it is apparent to them and does not change the way they think and/or feel. I know only too well that when I feel a certain way that is not a feeling based on factual information or even any reason (whether I know it or not at the time), that in no way means that I still don't think and feel the way I do. Even telling myself it isn't real changes nothing and why would it? I feel what I feel, some things can be explained. I guess the only good thing is to as absolutely self aware as possible but it is hard for me to believe anyone like that exists.
My husband has been so angry and screaming how miserable he is for years now, I swear it is years, only worsening. We've been to couples counseling, he went to counseling on his own to two different therapists. I now can say I DO know what it is like to live with someone like me, and it is not pleasant in the least. Where I am depressed and cry, I think men can get depressed and they feel anger or misery instead.
He called about an hour ago after his first psychiatric appointment, and finally feels understood and he has a starting point. I am elated! At the same time, from my own experience, I'm a little apprehensive to see what and who I will be living with in the next few weeks. I know I have changed a LOT from a medication, and I've also only changed a tiny bit, the bit I wanted to go away.
I do feel so, so, so anxious all of the time, but I really do think a lot of it is because I worry that *I* am making him miserable. I worry that all the time and what his reaction is going to be to different things. Then when he does get upset, no matter what it is or why, I just keep saying over and over "I'm sorry because of this..." "I'm sorry because of that". I need to take the word SORRY out of my vocabulary! How can he not be annoyed with the simple fact I say sorry ALL THE TIME!
I do feel responsible, very responsible. I could write out all of the reasons I feel responsible for his misery, my dog not always acting happy, poverty in the world, dogs in puppy mills, it doesn't matter, I feel responsible for EVERYTHING and guilty for EVERYTHING. I'm always thinking ahead of what the next thing I could get in trouble for would be, but that would be because of my husband's reactions for the last few years. I've talked to my therapist and psychiatrist about it but they don't believe it is a chemical problem. I need to focus on ME, just me. How exactly can I ignore the misery the people that are close to me are in and not want to help? For years...I've tried to help.
I'm still working on my little business. I get up and down about it. It is really something you have to like to do because it is really easy to get down when you are not rolling in the money overnight.
Here are a few pictures of wreaths I have made in the past month. Yes, the photography is crappy and nothing about any of them is perfect, maybe even ugly, but...I'm trying! : )