It's 2:00 am I Must Be Lonely

It's 1:42am on Monday, Memorial Day.  I have been up for at least an hour.  I would say "typical", but since I have been taking Zonegran, I have been sleeping SO MUCH, and when I am not sleeping I have zero energy.  It comes in capsules, so I asked my psychiatrist if I could take half last night - just open up the capsule, take half, and put the cap back on.  She said I could.

This is new to me.  Normally, and never before would I have asked to do that.  I would have just done it and told my doctor on my next visit.  But she read in my psychiatrist's records that I do that often, so she really stressed that we needed to be a team, as well as I needed to feel comfortable enough with her to even tell her if I took illegal drugs.  The only thing I have not told her is that I take extra Adderall because many times one is not enough.  I will tell her next time but I feel so ashamed.

My friend who I have been talking to who is severely depressed is checking into a psychiatric facility tomorrow around 10:00am.  I am so glad and very proud of her for having the courage to do that.  For me, it was so hard.  She told me she was a bit anxious, but *I* know that truth and told her how high my anxiety level had been.  She admitted yes, that was how she felt as well.  I wonder, even if you trust someone, why people (including myself) tend to minimize our feelings.  I cannot possibly know how she feels, about anything or anyone.  I cannot even imagine what depression feels like for her.  All I can relate to is my own experiences, and we are all unique.  I try to be mindful of that.

I am behind on my wreath orders again.  It seems like a perpetual state I am always in.  Maybe that does mean I need my Adderall increased?  It is not like a housewife scenario- where I want to take a lot to get things done, clean the whole house, etc.  I just want to be able to focus so that I can sit in one place and get my wreaths made.  So I don't feel overwhelmed with making even one wreath, or packing a few.  I have no idea why I get so freaking overwhelmed, but Adderall helps me with that, but not so much any more.I found out from my records that my psychiatrist in Dallas had been prescribing 30mg and I was shocked.  I thought I had been taking 20mg.  No WONDER 15mg does not seem like enough!  When I took the old dosage, I remember it was the *perfect* dose.

Mark.  Where do I even begin?  Not going to tackle that issue tonight.  Not even sure what my thoughts and feeling are.  I love him so much, it is not about that.  He makes life...more unpleasant that it should be.

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