Just Deal Already

Once again it is 2:19 am, and I have been up since 12:30 am.  I stayed in bed and slept or just laid there yesterday because I was tired.  I guess that is why - I am not sure.  Spending time with Mark lately is not exactly enjoyable.  Yes, it takes "two to tango".  He has said, even in ..marriage counseling, that he is miserable and it does not matter what happens, he will always be miserable.  I have been thinking about that for a lot.   This has been going on for YEARS!  I do not dare to look back in my blog to when it first started, but I know it is 5+ years that he has been unpleasant to live with.

I finally am trying to come to terms with that.  What does mean exactly, and what kind of future will I/we have?  I know what people are are thinking - he will not be miserable forever, he just thinks he will be.  NO.  I finally believe him.  He is going to be miserable forever.  I do not really see emotions with him.  Not happiness, no laughter, not sadness except for himself and his future.  Mostly anger about his place in life and the future he is doomed to accept.  It makes me feel HORRIBLY guilty the things that he says sometimes, that he hates his job but keeps doing it because he wants me to live well.  Screw that!  I don't need him to take care of me - do what he wants and do NOT blame his misery on ME.  I tell him to get another job, but he says he can not find one, and even if he did, it would not matter.  He will be miserable no matter what he does.  Ugh.  Being trapped in the car with him talking/yelling about this is absolute torture.

Listening to this, being a glass half full kind of person, it ruins my day.  I know I am making this about me right now,  but this is my blog after all.  I cannot read him, or at least he says I can not.  I just wish I could somehow separate my emotions from his, but wouldn't that be rude?  I need to do it though.  I will not be truly happy until I do.  Make new friends and get out of the house, do things that does not involve him.  I do not want a divorce, but what else can I do if I am truly living with someone who will always, no matter what, be miserable?

I may be brave at my next dr's appt and ask for an increase in Adderall.   I *hate* drugs that are controlled and make me feel like a junkie for asking for an increase.  I feel so judged - especially by the ignorant pharmacy techs.  I can feel their eyes on me.  It seems like they aren't as friendly towards me.  They could simply be reciprocating the vibe that I am unconsciously giving them, I do not know.

Past due wreaths to make - even though it is 2:35 now, I work when I feel productive, which is now.  I have sold over 500 wreaths - I guess 600 if you count the few months I was selling on the Artisan's section of Amazon.  I stopped selling there because I did not anticipate the amount of orders to be equal to my etsy shop so quickly and I could NOT keep up.  I plan to go back eventually.  The customers are completely different though.  They are buying a product and see my wreath the same as buying a magnet or paper.  I am a person hand making their custom requests, and when I was selling before, I did not sell with Prime shipping.  They want what they want and they want it tomorrow.  To be fair, I use Amazon for the same thing and the same way.

Back to work.

2 comments:

♡Molly♡ said...

So glad you're back again! Do you have pictures of the wreaths you make? I've been looking for a wreath for my front door. Maybe I could have you make me one :) Sorry to hear about your hubby being so miserable. He is the only one that can make himself happy. And him being a debbie downer is only going to try and bring you down with him. Don't let him do that to you!

Fred Flintstone said...

Thank you Molly - you are right. Only he can make himself happy, but it is so hard to let go! I am trying not to let it effect me, and getting better at it but not nearly as goo as it could be.

Sure, you are wolcome to view my wreaths, I just do not want anyone to think I am advertising on my blog - that is not why I created it, you know?

Here is the link: www.etsy.com/refinedwreath (I think!) : )

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