I Don't Need My Therapist to Be My Friend

I have been feeling pretty good lately.  Probably somewhat lonely I guess, but who wouldn't be that spent day after day by themselves at home working with very little social interaction.

I am still behind in my work, but pleased I am actually DOING it.  And there have been no complaints to speak of about "Where is my order??".  I have been trying to work on my communication when it comes to not meeting my shipping commitment dates.

Mark's parents will be here Sunday.  O-M-G.  I have had all of the clutter picked up MAJORLY!  (Okay, so I paid for most of it, but I have done a lot of it myself as well).  I still have quite a bit to do, but now see a very near light at the end of the tunnel.  The dishes...SO MANY.  No, they are not scattered all over the kitchen like you see on hoarders - they are neatly piled in one side of the sink, but piled really high.  That is even after I did a load of dishes!  The maids come tomorrow to clean - their normal stuff.  Get the hardwoods clean and shiny, etc.

I am planning on not spending a lot of time with them while they are here.  They always make it obvious that they are here to see Mark, not me, and I will have PLENTY of work that needs to get done ASAP.  I guess they mean well, but they really annoy me.  I told my sister-in-law they will be visiting, and she is so funny.  She said I am such a better person than she is, to put up with them in my home.  HA!

I do not remember if I have talked about our marriage counselor.  She was originally my therapist, then we went to her for counseling together and I no longer see her by myself.  Most of the time it seems worthless.

She goes ON and ON and ON talking about herself.  I mean - I do not know how to convey how much she talks about herself and it not even be an exaggeration.  I *know* I do not have a pleasant look on my face and she should know me, but either she is oblivious to that fact and that I no longer participate in her routine conversations, or Mark has picked up where I left off.  He gives cues that he is listening to her that I have completely stopped, like "uh-huh".  and "yeah", and faking a laugh here and there.   I say absolutely nothing, thinking she will shut up but she never does.  I will try to inject relationship issues just to be interrupted while she continues to talk about herself.

I do not want  her to be MY FRIEND, I want her to help us with our relationship!

It is SO bad that when we were driving to her office one morning, Mark actually said "I wonder what we need to help her with today?"  She is really beginning to annoy me.  A lot of times she says things to me that I do and blames it on having a character flaw (at least that is how I interpret it), not caring about something that is important to Mark and that I am simply not trying hard enough or at all.  I can not stress enough how much this, when it is totally WRONG, it infuriates me and hurts me at the same time.

Finally one day, she was lecturing me about my poor sleep habits, that I needed to force myself into a sleep schedule, take vitamins, be more active, eat foods that help induce sleep.  I DO go to bed religiously every night at the same time.  I get the being more active part as well.  But when I ran almost every day, it did not change, and she can take her holistic mumbo jumbo and do with it what I think she needs to do with it.

So I said, very aggressively, that there really are things about me that are CHEMICAL reasons that I am absolutely not capable of changing on my own.  Seriously - she was referred to me by a freaking PSYCHIATRIST!  HELLO?  Cleaning house - again, I have ADHD (or ADD?) and even with medication, I have been told by my psychiatrists that some things are personality habits that cannot be changed, like that one.  Not that I do not try!  *That* is the issue that she harps on that bothers Mark that she thinks I do not care and do not try.  When I aggressively addressed her (about sleep), she had a surprised and a bit shocked look, but then said she agreed and has not brought up my need for sleep again (but not cleaning house).  I hate confrontation, and I am not at ALL aggressive.  It takes a LOT LOT LOT to get me that way - and she absolutely has to know that.

My new psychiatrist/CBT therapist seems to really get it.  Since she is a psychiatrist, she easily recognizes the difference - is it a chemical imbalance or something else?

Cleaning the house, making wreaths....yep, my life is exactly the way I thought it would turn out..  Ha!  However, the luxury of working from home for someone like myself is absolutely priceless.  I have good days and bad days, but my bad days seem to be way worse than most people's.  In those cases, it is such a relief to be able to concentrate on myself and nothing else.

No comments:

Back to Top