Keep Trying.

I have a lot of work to do which I do not want to do, behind as always.  Maybe that is why I am writing so much, but I looked at blogs that have been around as long as I have been - 10 - 11 years?  Many have become complete advocacy blogs, sharing absolutely nothing about themselves any longer.  What does that mean?  Have they finally got their crap together, after 10 years?  It certainly seems that I should as well.  Yet why haven't I?  I went to one of the best psychiatrists in Illinois, yet...I do not.  If I have not blogged about that experience, which is very possible as I just got back into being locked out of my blog recently, I will do so soon.

When I write in my blog, I know I do not pay attention to proper sentence structure, punctuation, even spelling or grammar.  I do run spell check though - but that only goes so far.  If I do not write in this fashion - as a stream of consciousness, and am consumed by HOW I am saying what I am saying, I will never get it out.  It will end up not being authentic and genuine.  I have been through many writing classes, but honestly, this is my journal and I just do not care.

I guess I have turned a *bit* into an advocate, but in real life, which I am not sure if that should transfer over to blog life.  I adore Project Semicolon, and purchased a hand stamped semicolon that I wear on a chain along with a very small diamond cross that my husband gave me as a gift.  The necklace may be one of the most meaningful pieces of jewelry I have ever owned.

HOWEVER.  I need to fix it.  While yes, the semicolon has a special meaning to me, I do not need to be reminded of depression, suicide and my mental illness every time I look into the mirror!  That is NOT who I am. Yes, I constantly struggle with it, but I do not need to remember that I am damaged all of the time.  I try to forget, be myself which is a NORMAL person and do not need a mirror telling me that I am not.

As far as Project Semicolon suggesting everyone should tattoo a semicolon on their wrist?  I used to think that was a great idea - spread awareness.  Now that I have this necklace - that I need to fix - make sure the cross is on the outside covering the semicolon, or if that does not work, simply turn the semicolon around, I see that if I had gotten a tattoo of a semicolon on my wrist that I would be regretting it (but I would not have gotten a tattoo).  I would only be getting one for me, and now I know that I do NOT want to be reminded of something so terrible in my life.  Why should I EMBRACE it?

However, I AM trying to start conversations about depression and suicide.  I AM more readily telling people how serious my depression has been.  Besides my friend that was suicidal and checked into a facility a few weeks ago, I told another person that I had been suicidal and had been hospitalized.  There are a few things I am hoping for.  First of all - I am trying to help break the stigma.  People only know me as "normal".  Okay, they might think I am a bit...flaky, I have no idea and that might be a bit paranoid. Sometimes I just do not want to do something that I previously said I did.  If I tell them, maybe in the future my disclosure might help them understand my strange behavior once in awhile.

Also - if I discuss it openly, I hope they feel they can discuss it with me and others as openly as well.
For my age group, suicide is the #1 killer, yet all I hear about is the heart foundation, obesity, etc.  People do not talk about suicide, yet it trumps all other forms of death for those my age!

I am SO not being preachy or advocacy-ish.  Personally, I am doing all I know to keep myself together and it is a day by day thing.  And some days I do all I can, some days I am not so good at it.  I am working on that - most days.  I don't know, I am probably a mess.  All I know is to keep trying, even when I fail.  Eventually, get up and keep trying.

Yes, 11 years of it.  Get up and keep trying.

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