When I write in my blog, I know I do not pay attention to proper sentence structure, punctuation, even spelling or grammar. I do run spell check though - but that only goes so far. If I do not write in this fashion - as a stream of consciousness, and am consumed by HOW I am saying what I am saying, I will never get it out. It will end up not being authentic and genuine. I have been through many writing classes, but honestly, this is my journal and I just do not care.
I guess I have turned a *bit* into an advocate, but in real life, which I am not sure if that should transfer over to blog life. I adore Project Semicolon, and purchased a hand stamped semicolon that I wear on a chain along with a very small diamond cross that my husband gave me as a gift. The necklace may be one of the most meaningful pieces of jewelry I have ever owned.
HOWEVER. I need to fix it. While yes, the semicolon has a special meaning to me, I do not need to be reminded of depression, suicide and my mental illness every time I look into the mirror! That is NOT who I am. Yes, I constantly struggle with it, but I do not need to remember that I am damaged all of the time. I try to forget, be myself which is a NORMAL person and do not need a mirror telling me that I am not.
As far as Project Semicolon suggesting everyone should tattoo a semicolon on their wrist? I used to think that was a great idea - spread awareness. Now that I have this necklace - that I need to fix - make sure the cross is on the outside covering the semicolon, or if that does not work, simply turn the semicolon around, I see that if I had gotten a tattoo of a semicolon on my wrist that I would be regretting it (but I would not have gotten a tattoo). I would only be getting one for me, and now I know that I do NOT want to be reminded of something so terrible in my life. Why should I EMBRACE it?
However, I AM trying to start conversations about depression and suicide. I AM more readily telling people how serious my depression has been. Besides my friend that was suicidal and checked into a facility a few weeks ago, I told another person that I had been suicidal and had been hospitalized. There are a few things I am hoping for. First of all - I am trying to help break the stigma. People only know me as "normal". Okay, they might think I am a bit...flaky, I have no idea and that might be a bit paranoid. Sometimes I just do not want to do something that I previously said I did. If I tell them, maybe in the future my disclosure might help them understand my strange behavior once in awhile.
Also - if I discuss it openly, I hope they feel they can discuss it with me and others as openly as well.
For my age group, suicide is the #1 killer, yet all I hear about is the heart foundation, obesity, etc. People do not talk about suicide, yet it trumps all other forms of death for those my age!
I am SO not being preachy or advocacy-ish. Personally, I am doing all I know to keep myself together and it is a day by day thing. And some days I do all I can, some days I am not so good at it. I am working on that - most days. I don't know, I am probably a mess. All I know is to keep trying, even when I fail. Eventually, get up and keep trying.
Yes, 11 years of it. Get up and keep trying.