Let's Start Talking!!

Although I am not exactly heavily pushing, I find it extremely difficult to start a conversation about suicide.  For my age group, it is the number one cause of death.  To me, that says that everyone must know of someone that has committed suicide.  Yet no one wants to talk about it?  Why?
It is scary, but I am slowly becoming more open about my illness.  I haven't really said that I am. bipolar and do not feel much guilt about that.  My psychiatrist tells me quite often I am "mildly bipolar".

Don't get me wrong - I am not in denial or saying I do not have it, I do.  And I need to have a diagnosis to explain when I do have my hypomania symptoms.  But I do know what she is saying.  I have those awful, horrible bipolar depressions that begin the process in my mind of the way I want to die and become obsessed with searching the internet over ways that will not be painful (I actually have had a plan chosen since being suicidal in 2001), but when I am manic...it's hypomania, I recognize it pretty quickly - within a few hours and it does not last long.  There is typically a lot of time between them - a year maybe?  If that is true, then I am overdue for one.  I hope the next one is a happy one. I usually get the irrationally irritated mania, and I am just barely rational enough to know to stay away from social media, sending emails, etc.  But it does not matter which I get, the outcome will be the same.  Immediately following, more than likely, will be a drop in mood that hopefully can be controlled as much as possible.  So crossing fingers in this lottery of emotions for happy hypomania!  Ha! : )

I am not trying or even want to be a mental health advocate, I am definitely not the person to advise anyone on anything about mental illness.  But I really *do* want to be able to discuss it openly with people, like a broken leg, asthma, or lifelong conditions such as allergies.  Is the comparison to allergies too trivial?  I have bad allergies since moving to Chicago, and believe me, they f*ck up my life and well being a LOT and OFTEN, but that is a comparison only I can relate to.  Maybe a failed kidney - where you need a bag to urinate?  See, that seems worse because at least I don't have to carry something around and it isn't SO obvious.  I cannot think of a physical illness of the body (not the brain chemicals) to compare it to.  The hidden disease....

So behind on my wreaths.  I have orders that are 6+ days overdue.  I just want to create new things, not make copy after copy of things I have already made. and copied a million times over.  But...like anyone or anything else, that is why I get paid.

When I first started my business almost two years ago, how could I have known people would actually LIKE my wreaths?  It still amazes me that people pay real money for something I designed and made with my own hands.  I never would have guessed they would like them THIS much for sure.

Even though I do not really believe it, it still makes me feel good when people say I am talented.  But no, I really do not think I am.  More like...persistent from my point of view.  Although...it does take creativity to come up with my own original designs.  Some people do nothing but copy the most popular wreaths and then sell them at a lower price.  That has already happened to me, but I don't care that much.  This is my second year of making that wreath and I am SO bored of making it.  Where is the artistry in copying other people's original designs though?  That is the WHOLE REASON I like what I do!  That would be incredibly B-O-R-I-N-G!  I guess they would rather be a mimic than a true artist, which makes me wonder what drew them into what they do in the first place?

Back to work!


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