Thoughts Are Scrambled and Everywhere - Maybe I Am Too

It has been really rough lately.  I pretty much ran out of klonipin.  I want to say I do not know how it happens, but obviously I take too much in a certain time frame.  But how could I take THAT MUCH?  Both Adderall and Klonipin - the two worst medications I could take too much of, I usually do within the month.

I now have my Klonipin back and have felt so sick for almost a week lately.  I thought I would take it and ta-da, all of my negative thoughts that were keeping me from getting my wreaths done would be gone.  I am so far behind that just that is a lot for me to deal with.  I hate when I know people are already disappointed in me and upset that they do not have their wreath, then making it it and getting it to them, knowing they will not be happy no matter what I do at that point.  So I let one more day, two more days, etc., pass.  Well of course, that makes it even WORSE!

I want to just refund their money and move on...but that seems to make people even angrier when I have done that.  My designs are original.  If they fall in love with them and I refund their money, it is not like a magnet they buy on Amazon.  They cannot just find another seller to buy the same thing.  That is good, but in a few situations, it can be bad.  I am a procrastinator I guess.  I hate disappointing, I hate making something for someone who is already mad.  I picture working hard to make something perfect for someone who is going to be upset and leave a horrible review anyway.

I need to get over this whole perfection thing.  I am going to TRY and talk about this to my psychiatrist/CBT therapist on Thursday.  We end up talking most of the time about medications.  This REALLY needs to be fixed though or I will lose my business.  I have orders that are a week behind.  I have spent maybe 5 days dragging my feet - so those orders are that much late, even longer for others.

Once they are late, I feel like I am already a failure, a disappointment.  It is SO hard to get the motivation to make those wreaths.  I do not let myself make wreaths that are currently due because ones before that are late, so EVERYTHING starts going downhill, and fast.

I also have this really weird thing - I have to "feel it" to be able to work.  Is it some weird artist thing?  Why can't I just work?  I used to go in and work a regular job - regular very stressful and demanding jobs - 10 - 12 hours if not more, very productive, no matter how I felt.  Those were in no way artistic though.   Other people held me accountable.  Now, I am the only person and I am competing against no one.  Maybe I really DO need to find someone to compete against on Etsy.  I need SOMETHING to motivate me.

I do not know why, but last year I sold a TON of Fall wreaths - it was the first time I fell behind.  In September, the sales topped over 75 that month.  For me, all by myself, that was a lot of wreaths to make and get out and delivered by Thanksgiving.  I was a frantic, anxious mess.  I ended up taking the majority of Christmas - which SHOULD have been my biggest month, off.  I was exhausted.

NOW I am already totally freaking about this fall, and it is only June.  But seasonal items have to be posted and promoted early.  My items that people loved last year is everywhere this year, but the ribbon that people so adored last year is not sold anywhere (so far) this year.  For some reason, that has absolutely stressed me out.  I have been TRYING to tell myself that no one has told me I have to sell x amount of wreaths for the year, for fall, for Christmas, etc.  It is just disappointing.  I had been counting on that all year and have no idea why it appeared people loved those wreaths so much because of that particular ribbon.

The ribbon is actually nothing special.  Just a striped canvas ribbon of orange, brown, and plain canvas in the middle. I have several other ribbons I have purchased to replace it and try to remember how I did not think that ribbon would  be liked by anyone when I used it last year, but really, it is not like I have a choice.  I think this year I have some much better choices yet...I had a sure thing without realizing I did when I first made the wreaths last year.

Here is the ribbon I used last year on one of the more popular fall wreaths:

Is it really that big of a deal?  Once I said it was sold out and offered other options, it stopped selling.

I know, a lot about wreaths, but I am so obsessed with it.  I need other things in my life.  I do have friends, I just do not SEE them.  I could, but I choose not to.  There is only one friend - or I guess one set of friends - that I do choose to see, and that is pretty much because I do not have a choice or that I feel it would be taken the wrong way.  That is Mark's friends that he had before we moved here.  I actually really, really like them and they seem SO accepting of me, and I have done quite a bit which takes tolerance.  Mainly that would be drinking too much, getting very sick and having to leave many places because I was vomiting.

I have gained maybe 50 pounds since I started taking Trazadone about 3 years ago.  My new psychiatrist added Zonegran the last time I saw her and it has helped my appetite SO MUCH!  I am now trying to watch WHAT I eat since my appetite is so much less now.  I think I have lost about 2 pounds now - not much but better than gaining.  I will take anything.  When I lost 70 pounds, it took
2 years.  I realized 2 years of my life are going to go by anyway, might as well be thinner in two years than when I started.  2 pounds a month for one year is 24 pounds.  For 2 years is 48.  Just 2 pounds a month is very doable - lots of wiggle room if you cheat - easy to get back on track if you can keep your head together.

I wrote this long thing about how I feel about my appearance and then it somehow disappeared.  I do not know all I said, so I will just say this.  I do not like to be seen in public.  I feel absolutely horrible about how I look.  I do not want to meet new people who's first impression of me may be of a fat person.  I do not buy the same kind of clothes that I do in Dallas because I am just forcing myself to buy anything when the mood strikes - which is not often.  And then only online, because I will never buy something if I am in a store and try it on, with other people around.  I cannot even imagine going somewhere knowing I will do that.  I know I will walk out, probably in tears.  I have not had my hair done in a salon in over a year.  I do not even have enough self confidence for THAT.  This fat girl walks in - what the hell is SHE doing here when she obviously does not care about her appearance?  Fat and ugly!  Fugly.

I do not want to be seen by anyone.


♡Molly♡ said...

I totally understand your feelings about not wanting to go out cause you don't like the way you look. I've gained weight too and I always feel like people are judging me and thinking boy, she has gained weight. And I use to not give a shit what people thought of me. And my hubby doesn't give a shit at all what people think of him. He always tells me "honey you look great" but I just can't make myself believe that I actually do...ugh!
It sucks when a person feels so unworthy. I am getting better at going out in public again. But I'm on weight watchers and losing it slow. But better then gaining. I could write a book, but to many eyes out there to read it.
If you ever need to chat email me anytime dear! Hugs!

Kansas Sunflower said...

Good for you for joining Weight Watchers and losing slowly! I have seen SO many people decide crazy things like they are going to lose 40 pounds in 2 months, and they do lose quite a bit of weight but not their goal, then give up and gain it back and more. Sigh! Did you gain weight because of medication? I have GOT to get over this! I am so glad and very grateful you chose to comment - I feel so alone with no one to talk to who understands, you know? Thank you. : )

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