Drama - I Hate You, But Come Closer

Mark's parents visited and have now gone.  I guess the trip was a "success", as much as it can be.

I see now why I get so upset after being with them, even though they appear to be friendly towards me.  I am treated like an outsider, yet in a polite way, if that makes any sense.  I suppose that is natural - I am not their child, but for me it is a bit different.  I do not have my own side of the family with connections. My expectations from them are too high I am sure.  I told my sister in law that we are not the In-Laws, we are the Out-Laws.  She loved it and feels the same.

I talked about it in marriage counseling yesterday, so I don't really feel like going into details.  They seem a bit irrelevant now.

WHY in the world I created so much drama for myself yesterday, I do not know, but I regret it so much.  I have no idea what I could have done to keep it from happening though.  Yes, I could have waited a day to calm down, but that did not even occur to me and who knows if it would have worked.  This is a crazy long post.  There are times I simply cannot sit back and keep my mouth shut, even if I do not understand or know why.

I received a group message out of the blue on Facebook yesterday that absolutely infuriated me.  I was so angry that several times I had to question myself  and try to be absolutely honest about whether I was hypomanic.  I *hate hate hate* that.  Sometimes people JUST GET MAD, yet...I have to analyze myself - am I being rational?  Anyway, I decided I was not hypomanic and when I want to be absolutely sure, I ask my husband who is honest to a fault about it, and he agreed I was not.

Tara - the youngest sister of the family I moved in with when my mother kicked me out when I was 16 - created one of those "GoFundMe" pages, asking for donations.  She had a picture of her mother, titled it something like Need Help for My Mother, and went into this long rant and rambling of reasons why she needed $7k to move from North Carolina to Texas so she and her boyfriend could live with her mother (and help her mother).

It absolutely hit me the wrong way, and I do not know why I care, why it upset me so much, why I chose to involve myself.  I was really furious.  It is the next day now, and in my true form, I have waaay calmed down about it.  Not totally though, as this post probably shows.

I will post the message at the bottom because it is so long and rambling.  Yes, I am taking my ADD medication, but LORD HELP ME, I did not even realize until later that I had gotten distracted and not finished the thing!

 First of all, I am sure that *anyone* can probably create a GoFundMe page for any reason they want.  I have only seen them for very extreme **NEEDS**, not *wants*, such as funeral costs, unexpected medical bills - things that are truly emergency situations and very tragic.  Or...perhaps those are the ones that tend to get circulated.

For the record, for anyone who happens to read this, I want to state that in no way in any part of this post am I talking about someone who is disabled because of a mental illness.  I absolutely know how debilitating that is - and I have personal experience with it.  Not with collecting disability, thankfully, but I do know it can be impossible to work until I get better.  I do not mean to make anyone feel upset of ANY debilitating illness.  I am only speaking of this one particular person who at the moment is driving me insane.

A few things were hot buttons for me.  Her 16 or 17 year old daughter asked to live with her dad and she will be soon I assume.  Tara cited the loss of child support as one of her reasons for needing money.  Seriously?  That is one of the reasons she is using to make her case?  I find that in extremely poor taste.

Then there is the working situation.  There is nothing wrong with her.  Yes, she says she has a shoulder problem, but she can do call center work so...hmm.  There are plenty of jobs that would only use the same things she used for her home call center job - uhhhh, like working at a call center?  Here is my issue with that.  My dad was legally blind and had a bad back that surgery did not help, yet he worked until he went on disability when I was 17 (he had these issues for many, many years before that).  I do not know what all she has going in her life, but I DO know, if there were more things, she absolutely would not have left them out.

So she is not working, and from what I can tell, not even looking for a job.  She does have a boyfriend that she says works at Wal Mart - but part time because - you know - full time jobs are hard to come by.  Hello?  Can he not get a second part time job in fast food or anything?  A third part time job as well perhaps?

If things are SO DIRE (10 people and 3 dogs in one 3 bedroom house) that she needs $7k in donations to move and to help her mother with her health problems, why the hell is she not working her ass off to earn the money?  Why is charity her first choice?

Once in Texas - they STILL will not have jobs!!!  What then?  Who are they going to live off of?  I am assuming her mother?  Is there some job fairy that is going to dust them with magic fairy job dust that will give them the drive to look for and get jobs?

I feel like I am missing something, or are people really that lazy?  Her brother and sister are not like that at all.

I keep coming back and editing/adding to this post and I have no idea why it even matters!  This may not even be the correct chronological place to put this.  There is a part in her case (pasted below) where Tara has made requesting donations about all she has done for her mother in regards to helping her medically, and all that her mother has has needed medically.  I have not stayed in touch to know all of the details, but she starts the medical conditions when she (Tara) was 15.  I know that it is absolutely untrue, and even if it is and I was unaware, it is sooooo blown out of proportion.  When I did calm down and talk to Tara yesterday, I told her I had no idea what to believe of anything she said anymore.  I am so done with her.  I want to copy/paste all of those little meme's you see on Facebook about leaving behind toxic people.

Anyway - here is where my post picked up again.  I thought I was doing better today.  The sad thing?  I am doing much better.  That is how angry I was yesterday at Tara.  WHY THOUGH?  Why THAT angry?

I am not some spoiled woman who has had it easy her whole life.  I have had nothing, multiple times and worked my ASS off.  More than once I have had a full time as well as a part time job.  I have had a job where I worked 80+ hours a week, luckily that one paid overtime.  I cannot recall the last time I had a job with a 40 hour work week where I only worked 40 hours - and I do not know anyone who does that either.  For those who want to get ahead, like I always did and the people I know now - we all work way more than 40 hoping to get ahead - and it usually works!  (well, you do have to be good at your job ha!)

SO many people, including myself, have worked full time jobs and gone to school.  I mean SERIOUSLY!  Do I not have a right to be offended by someone asking for charity when they are able to work, but just choose not to, when I have worked so hard in the past to both make ends meet (how many times did I come home to no electricity because I had not been able to pay the bill?? Okay, I am exaggerating - I simply did not open the bills - always been a procrastinator) or work hard to get ahead?  I know that needs a period somewhere.  Just act like it has one - I am choosing to be lazy at the moment. : )

I did get laid off during the whole "Great Recession" thing from a great paying job, and I will admit it was hard to pick myself back up when I couldn't get an interview after constant calls and emails from people trying to recruit me while I had a job.  Maybe that is her, she hasn't said.

Now I have a small business with stress and anxiety that never goes away.  I am positive if I worked in fast food I would be better paid right now.

Some time ago - a year or two, after not having talked to Tara in years, she contacted me to borrow $500 for this same reason.  She just *had* to go see her mom and needed car repairs.  Maybe that is part of my anger, I do not know.  I was so torn.  On one hand, her family was there for me when I needed a place to stay.  On the other, asking for a "loan" was laughable and made Mark so mad she called it that when we knew I would never see the money again.  In the end, I did not give her anything.

I know this is long, but I was upset.  I reached out to her mother, crazy as she can be, and asked why in the world did Tara need seven thousand dollars to come and take of her - if she was having a surgery or whatever, when I had offered to fly to Texas if she ever needed me to help her.  I think I asked her if she had given her approval for her to create the donation page, and I am sure I ranted and went off about Tara.

She knew absolutely nothing about the donation page.  I sent her the link and she was absolutely humiliated and mortified, and thanked me for telling her.  If you read the personal information Tara included below - you will see why she would be mortified.  If it were me, I may never speak to that person again and I am not even exaggerating.

So then TARA contacted me and accused me of upsetting her mother by telling her about the donation page, which made her need to take "extra medication".  O-M-G.  I am guessing she sent about 3 facebook messages which were both "pity poor me" and angry intertwined.  I could not read past the first message - more than likely I got to the part where she accused me of upsetting her mother so much she needed "extra medication".

I told her that SHE was one who created the donation page, not ME.  And how in the world could I have known that she would create a page listing so many personal things about her mother, using a picture of her mother without even asking or telling her mother?  Of COURSE I told her it was *her* fault, not mine.  SHE created the page that upset her mother, not ME.  I only told her about it - she was the one who actually did it.

I am feeling now that this is all petty.

But, out of it, I did talk to the older sister quite a bit and we are SO much closer now.  I see things a lot clearer, why we did not get along, more than for reasons than what I had thought.  Her mother always DID try, and succeeded, to turn me against her, and I did not ask her, but I bet she did the same to her against me.  I talked to the older brother and found he has started his own business and am SO HAPPY for him.  He is a super nice guy, very reliable, dependable, just someone you would want to be your big brother.  He is not to me, but you know?

From him though, I found out he had been giving Tara money and had recently stopped because he no longer had any extra.  He needed all he had to take care of his own family.  He said that is more than likely why she had created that donation page - it was perfect timing.

What upset me about that LATER was that in one of her three messages to me, she talked HORRIBLY about him, how he wouldn't help take care of their mother.  To me, if she was asking and taking money from him, she has lost any rights to say anything negative WHATSOEVER about him.  If she felt that way, she should not have accepted money from him.

She reminds me of my mother.  As long as she could get things for free from my grandfather and not work, that is what she did.  He enabled her.  Once he was gone, she had no choice but to work and learn to survive on her own.

That is exactly what I think needs to happen to Tara.  People need to STOP enabling her.

However.  I will say this.  I admit I am being a bit unfair.  She could have a mental illness - depressed, unable to get out of bed, etc.  But I just have absolutely no doubt that if that were the case, she would not have left it out of her donation page.

I did my best to back away from the entire situation this morning.  While I did write Tara a pretty scathing email last night without reading the other two messages, I did read the last two this morning and my last response was softer, still firm, but not apologetic for believing in her and that she could do this herself, without charity.  Is that so mean?  I actually think it is a compliment - either she does not believe in herself or...wow, I really do not want to believe that she would rather take a handout.  

I have considered another option - only because Mark brought it up.  He said (because this is his way of thinking) - how do I even know if she did get the money she wants she would use it for what she says she will and not for drugs?  Yes, I suppose she could be a drug addict.  How would I know.

But I really feel like I have already judged waaaaaaaay too much, to the point where God is definitely going to find a way to punish me, and I don't even believe that God actually punishes people.  Teaches them a lesson?  Sure.  Punishes?  No, I do not believe that.

Okay - here is the "gofundme" - whatever.  Description.  Good luck finishing it.  If you were able to read THIS far, you have a good chance - ha! : )

FYI - No, it is not the copy/paste format - there really are no paragraph indents.

Money to move to help my mother

My name is Tara xxxxx. I feel like a beggar doing this but desperate times call for desperate measures.  I am almost 3X years old, and I have some semiserious medical problems myself.  I have nerve damage in my shoulder, and it makes working outside of the home pretty much impossible. I can work from home, but as right now I live with my boyfriend’s family it is impossible for me to do the work I can do.  I was working at an at home call center.  There are 10 of us living in a 3 bedroom house, there are four children.  My own daughter who is 17, then there are 3 children that are my boyfriend’s brother’s children.  They are 10, 6, and 2.  There are also 3 dogs, one of which is large and tends to bark a lot.  What I was doing is call center work, there must be quiet in the background in order to do that job.  Obviously quiet is a major commodity, one I can’t have.  My daughter has decided that she would like to spend her final years of high school with her father, and although it breaks my heart I have to let her go, I have to let her see how things are there.  My boyfriend works at Wal-Mart part time, because full time positions are hard to come by.  I have my child support which will obviously go away once I don’t have primary custody.  I have one working vehicle and both the front and rear windshields need replaced, as well as some work on the electrical and a few other things.  This is the shortish version of who I am and what my current situation is.  The picture that is posted with this story is of my mother.  This picture was taken several years ago before her health became worse.  In the last two years I have had to fly to Texas twice for my mother to have surgery.  Both times my brother had to pay for the flight.  The first surgery was a bilateral (both knees) knees replacement. I was there for 7 weeks, which at that point was the longest I had ever been away from my daughter.  The second time I went was at first to help my sister-in-law with their new baby.  My brother had to go away for work for 3 weeks, and Keira was only 3 weeks old at the time.  While I was there my mother told me that she was having trouble with swallowing etc. A year before then she had been told that she had growth on her thyroid.  At the time I was there the masses had grown to the point she was at serious risk for choking, breathing well, and a bunch of other not good things.  She had put the surgery off for so long because she won’t have surgery without me there.  See from the time I was a teenager I have had to help my mother with medical issues.  When I was 15 she had a massive reaction to meds, and going through menopause, that she basically had a complete mental breakdown.  I did a lot of the caring for my mother then not knowing what I was doing.  Since then I have been the only one my mother’s three children that can be depended on to help her, and to keep track of her medical care.  She has been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and through trial and error we have found treatments that work somewhat. I currently manage her medical care from North Carolina, I am on the phone for every doctor’s appointment, and talk to the doctors and nurses to keep things straight.  It has not been easy and a few times major issues have arrived because I wasn’t there to stop it.  After the knee surgery, she went through physical therapy, and regained a major amount of mobility back.  She was walking better than before her surgery.  Recent she fell and things have started back tracking, she needs to be in physical therapy again.  It has become obvious that I have to move to Texas to help take care of her.  Hopefully get her mobility back, and give her a better quality of life.  Moving is going to very expensive.  A U-Haul type truck with a car tow package will be about 1200-1300 dollars, and the gas will cost quite a bit as well.  My vehicle needs work done on it.  I will be unable to move in with my mother when my boyfriend and I move there.  She simply doesn’t have the space.  Which means that I have to immediately be able to get into an apartment/house as soon as we get there.  So I need first month’s rent deposits for the apartment/house and deposits for utilities.  It would take us years to save up the money to move, and my mother simply doesn’t have years for me to get there.  I am worried about her constantly, and it is difficult getting her care arranged and dealt with from NC.  I am wanting to be able to accomplish this move within the next 6 months.  It would mean the world to me for me to be close to my mother again.  Not counting the situation I am living in now is slowly killing me.  Not physically, but emotionally.  My boyfriend’s family and I have never gotten along, and I spend 24 hours a day in one room, in order to avoid further drama.  I need to move, for her and for me.  So this leads me into saying I need a miracle, I need help from strangers, and from friends, and family every little bit will help.  You would be saving two lives, mine and my mothers.  I can’t express how thankful I would be for any and all help I can get.

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