I Guess An Explanation For My Anger

I saw my therapist/psychiatrist yesterday, and I was chomping at the bit to get out what had been bothering me since last weekend.

Tara (she was like a little sister when I lived with her family after my mother had kicked me out) had sent out what I considered a frivolous "GoFundMe" page for $7k in donations.  For the record, she received no donations, the group conversation she sent virtually everyone left, and her mother said once she figured out how to deactivate it, she did.

I guess I am validating myself - but I am not alone, just saying!  I had NO idea why I wnnt from 0 to 100 when I read the description for her reasoning of why she needed $7k in donations.

I had thought a lot about how my hypomania develops, which I had not considered in the past, it by the time I saw my therapist. I do not go from 0 to 100 immediately..  It seems, perhaps, I start getting those rapid thoughts - and the "crazy" starts building on itself.  The anger grows and grows in my mind.  That would time, but that does not mean it takes a *lot* of time, just that it is not immediate.

I am always reminded when I talk to her about what exactly my last episode was about - an email about pie.  Ha!  It really does not matter what it is.  However, I can still explain in detail, and it still makes absolute sense to me, no matter how irrational it is, why the email about pie upset me.  Of course I know it is ridiculous now and I am in now way upset about it.  I know if I tried to explain it to someone, I would start laughing, but the pain was real. : )

However, this was immediate.  And weird.

My biggest issue with Tara is that she was asking for charity when I absolutely KNEW she should be getting out there and working hard, like everyone else does, and work her ass off to change her situation.  Why wasn't she a survivor like, well, it seems like everyone I know?  At least everyone I am surrounded by.  I thought she was so lazy, or so...something.

My therapist listened patiently and did make a good point, although...her observation of me, I am not sure I believe.

She said I was having a problem with the fact that Tara may not be able to do what I have done and can do.  She said I should see what I can do as a strength - that I have been a survivor, worked hard so many times for what I needed and wanted, and not everyone has that.

Is it weird that I had not considered that?  Yes, I have so much empathy for people who live with mental illnesses and cannot function - that has actually been me in the past.

I do want to say - I do not think I would be this angry about just anyone.  I am absolutely certain this is Tara-specific.  I am not "mad at the world" or think people are lazy, not at all.  I truly believe that those who beg for money, whether it is a choice or whether they have no other choice, do not wish their lives to be that way.  Who grows up wanting to beg for money for a living?

It is *so hard* for me to give money to anyone for any reason, including every single homeless person I see in Chicago.  People are so hardened, and I have given far too much.  But part of that problem, as dumb as it sounds, is my face.  I have been born with an approachable, friendly looking face that I cannot change, and approach me people do.  I cannot count the number of times my husband had told me to work on my "Chicago face" so people will stop approaching me and asking me for money.  He has actually worked on me with the look on my face.  (Yes, I realize that sounds so silly, but it is actually scary to have strangers walk up demanding money)  We gave up and he decided I should just keep my head down.  I noticed that many people keep their heads down in downtown Chicago as well.  The result?  It did not help.  My next idea is the earphones.  Looking down, earphones so it seems as if I can not hear - surely I will not be approachable then?

Sorry - this is how my mind thinks, even on Adderall.
 
So...I have been upset about one person and her behavior, and that is only Tara.

As far as the GoFundMe page, she agreed that was a misuse of what people believe it is for.  She thought it was sad that there are so many people begging for money, yet there are those that may really need help, but because of the others, no one will help them.  She said she considered her donation page like that - making other pages look less important.

I told her no, I am not necessarily able to always survivie, work hard to get out bad situations, etc.  She said that was my low self esteem talking.  UGH!  I hate when therapists always bring up my low self esteem.  Well help me change it then!!  But you know, that sounds really painful so I do not bring it up myself.

I am so confused.  I realize...actually, no, perhaps there have been times in my life where I could have been homeless.  I have been completely debilitated by my mental illness.  On one hand, I have been fortunate that I have people who love me.  Yet on the OTHER hand, no I don't, not really, except for my husband.  I virtually have NO ONE ELSE that would help me that I know of.  I don't have 30 people to ask for charity like she did.  I would have NO OTHER CHOICE but to kick myself in the ass, no matter what, and fight for my survival.

No, I suppose I have not completely come to terms with it - but DO think this is VERY Tara specific,  However, I have tremendous amounts of empathy for those with physcial and mental illnesses that are debilitating.

My therapist DID tell me I needed a break from this - from her and her mother.  She said to tell them that my therapist had to me that.... I LOVED that - she gave me the words and permission. : )  Tara is already blocked on Facebook.  I told her mother, and felt she deserved an explanation and she was extremely, extremely sweet about the whole thing.  My therapist even fixed my phone as I could not figure out how to keep the facebook messages from popping up and upsetting me.

So that is it.  Back to my small business and working hard - making less than minimum wage and very fortunate that my husband lets me do what I love. : )

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