I have been thinking a lot about how the anger, if that is what it is, feels, and if it is actually anger. I know that what I feel is completely different than when my husband and I argue or have a fight. It is different than when someone on the news offends me, or when I saw the child at Wal-Mart being abused. It feels like none of that, and all are all pretty clear cut examples, for me, of anger.
So if that is anger, what do I feel? AM I hypomanic? It does not seem like it. If Tara would simply STOP SENDING MESSAGES through Facebook I would go back to being more like when I woke up this morning and felt better. A bit ago I blocked her on Facebook, and I have no idea why I felt so obligated to not hurting her, but I sent her a message that I was upset and simply needed time and space, so not to take blocking her the wrong way. But duh - how else could you take it. Thing is - she will believe me, but she can not seem to LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE today!
Yes, I have asked her, I have told her, I have aggressively and firmly demanded her to stop messaging me, pleading with her to leave me alone. No, I have not simply stopped replying because she just keeps on sending message after message on facebook.
And the more I see her name, then the few first words of what she has written, I start getting really annoyed...irritated...it feels so much stronger than that - I want to say angry but is that the right word? Is it self righteous maybe? Is that a type of anger? Maybe that is it. Anyway, I get sucked into that feeling again. So now she cannot message me.
I broke down and took a klonipin like Mark suggested. That did not occur to me because I do not feel anxious. I do not like feeling this way though, yet I do not like feeling klonipin-sleepy either.
Why do I feel this way when I have an intuition, that yes, I absolutely believe to be 100% true, that someone is trying to use charity on Facebook to scam people? Of course, both times they have been people I know - or at least, last time it was the fiance of my friend who had just died.
First of all (I think I am listing this out for myself to just GET OVER IT!) it is not actually directed towards me in particular. I just happen to be one in a group of people. This time it was much more personal than last, but it is not like anyone is targeting me specifically.
Next, I am not giving anyone the money they are asking for, not donating anything to anyone for any reason - whether it be the truth or a lie. (But of course, OBVIOUSLY it is all lies). No one is tricking or scamming me. I am out nothing - no one has hurt me.
Also, these emails have absolutely nothing to do with me besides being subjected to viewing and reading the group messages they sent.
So why do I get SO upset? Who am I trying to protect, since I have not been hurt or scammed? What exactly is the outcome I want or expect that I do not believe is going to happen?
What outcome do I want or think there should be....hmmm. That is actually a good question. If I was proven right, that they are scammers, then what? They won't go to jail, nor would I really want them to.
So what do I want? What do I expect? What am I waiting for? Why am I so mad?
See....this is just one more reason my blog is invaluable to me. I am SUCH an external thinker.
Now I simply do not know what to think. And since there is not a result from this that I want or expect, I really can not think of a reason to be so upset now.
How can I stay mad when there is nothing at all that can happen that would take away the anger and make me happy?
So It is like having an argument. Why argue if there is not a side you are on that is right and if you win the argument, you will be vindicated?
Right now, it *seems* very logical, at least as logical as I can possibly be. That side of my brain do not have a working lightbulb - it only flickers now and again. : )
For what it is worth, I feel a lot better. I do not think it is the klonipin only - that does not always work in these types of instances I have found. Writing it down and analyzing it - that is the only way I must be feeling at least a bit of peace.