I had made a plan. Before the appointment, no Adderall, no coffee, and klonipin. Zone out the best I could (the medication wouldn't do that, but I have had many occasions in the past to get plenty of practice) unless asked a direct question, which should automatically pull me out of my disconnected state.
I woke up early, followed my pre-appointment plan, including the klonipin.. I sat on the couch and played Candy Crush which is relaxing - it makes me focus on the game and not think about anything else. It doesn't stress me out at all either like most games do.
I realized quickly, as my mind was going to the appointment this morning and going through scenarios in my mind, it would not be the best idea to see her today. Not for me, not for her. My irritation level has been growing and growing daily, I realize how hurt I am, annoyed, and if I told her, it wouldn't matter.
Why? Because she is a therapist, she is supposed to be the professional. Anything I say, I cannot imagine her owning it. Maybe that is how she actually would see it, so what would be the purpose of telling her? I do not WANT to be told it is MY issue and how can we fix MY problem of being irritated over how I MUST have misinterpreted what she said.
She would question my emotional state, any medication changes, the last time I had seen my psychiatrist, was the house clean? was I keeping up with my order? (do NOT get me started about the house being clean). It would not be taking ownership of ANYTHING that *she* might have said or done, it would be all about figuring out what is wrong with ME?
But how can you misunderstand someone talking about going to a fucking butcher for lengths of time? How do you misunderstand talking about something that has ZERO to do with our marriage for long lengths of time because SHE is passionate about it - like probiotics? What about telling us all about the conference she went to about nutrition and natural nutrition and how good it was for her, but not just that.
WE should try these probiotics as well, especially me. You know, maybe take natural remedies and I could go down on my psychiatric medications. I should tell my psychiatrist that. Wonder what she would think about the science behind her suggestion.
Another, out of many other, example of long conversations, actually, not really conversations, her just talking at us: The personality seminar she went to and going into great detail about what HER personality turned out to be, how rare it was, how special she is, with it having absolutely *nothing* to do with us?
It is chunks of time that we pay for to listen to her week after week.
So, so many things have been building up, but it was her insensitivity about MY studio and for some reason, the fucking butcher that sent me over the edge. Week after week, it seemed like she was bringing up going to the butcher, pondering why there are so few butchers left with Mark keeping her talking about it by giving his opinion over NOTHING THAT HAS TO DO WITH US!
I knew what would happen today. Even though I had kind of snapped at her FINALLY when she asked me "Why don't you go to a butcher?" and I said because I hate meat, I was a vegetarian for a year and she sighed and looked annoyed as she looked away, it did not mean she wouldn't bring it up again.
And IF she did, I know I may not be able to control myself. Maybe I should have said this to her from the start, but I am not going there to talk about FUCKING BUTCHERS! She was the one who brought it up! I was a vegetarian because I could not eat dead animal carcass. Meat was once a living, breathing, and most of the time a very gentle animal - like cows.
Going to a butcher is like going to a house of horrors - in a way - to me. Being surrounded by death? REALLY? I do not go nor look at the butcher at the grocery store either. I quickly buy pre-packaged and get the hell out of there.
So STOP about the fucking butcher!
But it is not just about the butcher, that is just one example and for some reason my mind has really latched onto that because it is just so far fetched and I cannot fathom the reason it comes up weekly. *I* think SHE wants to talk about it because she is excited that Saturday - our marriage counseling day - is the day that she would go, now delegated to her husband, to the fucking butcher. So SHE wants to talk about it. And she always says that - and maybe even talks about what he is going to buy, what kinds of meat they have there, etc. In her defense, I have not told her butchers really kind of offend me, but why in the world would I ever have thought this necessary information to share if it never occurs to me because I now realize I have learned to avoid it enough that it does not bother me?
Mark told me last night - why are you making these things about you and getting so upset?
O. M. G. I thought I would hit the roof. I said HELLO? We are in counseling? How ludicrous is it for me to think we are paying her to talk about anything other than us - that she would talk about her personal life for NO REASON? So yes, I do make it about myself, because am I not SUPPOSED to??
So while Mark was not happy I was not going, which is understandable, we DO go to talk about our relationship, I cannot imagine missing anything really. How much time do we really spend talking about US anyway?
A new marriage counselor. Going more in depth, hard work, perhaps lots of pain.
I think maybe we have turned our Saturday mornings into kind of a "date morning". We have this standing appointment, so we leisurely have a Saturday morning breakfast which includes this absolutely ridiculous appointment. I am not saying I have not gotten anything from it, I have.
I do feel attacked lately, the same tired things keep getting brought up, and right now, I need a break.
So glad I am able to have one today.
I think it is quite obvious the worst possible place for me to be today was meeting with HER.