Working On Myself, Try Number Two Million and Three

So...I over reacted to our marriage counselor.  I was way more irritated than I should have been.  Was I irritable to the point of being hypomanic?  I am trying to answer that myself.  I cannot exactly explain the situation to HER, and I do not want to tell my psychiatrist either.  The last thing I want is some medication that will bring me DOWN to depression level when I am not depressed.

#1 - There were a few days in a row when I took an extra Adderall because I was freaked out about how much I had to do.  #2 - When I increased the Zonegran,, the out of this world heartburn caused major anxiety that nothing would help.  That high of an anxiety level had me freaking out.  Mark (blah!) thought I was very anxious.  #3 - I really had been annoyed about all of the things I talked about in my last post.

We saw her yesterday morning, and even though I did not feel that intense irritation, I did not want anything to trigger it.  As annoyed as I was, about real things, I knew I could...snap is not quite the right word - it brings a mental image that is not what I mean.  Trigger the irritation?

She wasn't her normal loopy self, and Mark had made me realize her personality had changed since she had started losing weight.  Talking more and so energetic compared to before.  Like I said - she had started interrupting me, but she was much more chilled out yesterday.

Once before in my blog, I wrote about my frustrations with her, and the next time we went to counseling, she had stopped doing them.  It was pretty much the same way this time.  I cannot imagine she reads my blog.  Even if for some bizarre reason she did, how would she even know it was her?  Well, maybe going on and on about the butcher would be a clue.

I feel much better, started on Friday night back on the intended dosage on Zonegran since I got my horrible heartburn in control with Prilosec - doubling the OTC dosage.  Heartburn does not seem like a strong enough word for what I feel, it is really painful, but maybe it is because it is also mixed in with anxiety, no idea.

We went to what I thought was going to be a Boz Scaggs concert last night with some of Mark's friends.  I only knew one Boz Scaggs song - from Urban Cowboy, but found I did know two more.  I was not aware America was playing before him, and found I knew quite a few of their songs and songs that I like.  They reminded me of when I was a small child and it was a bit surreal.  I enjoyed that part of the concert.

I no longer know what to think of Mark's friends.  Or even Mark - I am not sure we are close at all.  Sure, we go to marriage counseling, but I wonder if we simply cohabitate.

He got this snobby attitude on the way home that TOTALLY pissed me off, I am actually still mad this morning.  I slept in another bedroom.  I do not even want to talk to him this morning.

I guess I should not call him an idiot for this because how could he know, but his friend told him he was his best friend, but not in those words.  It wasn't some declaration, but used in conversation with him.  So when we were walking to our car, he was saying he had no idea he was his best friend.  I told him he is one of your best friends, right?  I am pretty sure he told me that before, and if he did not, I know he is.  ONE of his best friends, and his friend could have meant that as well.

Well idiot Mark!  His friend, in the past, took another job and just went off the grid, stopped calling Mark, emailing, etc., and I think he was hurt about it.  He took another job this time (he went back and left again), and THIS time I sent him a message that we all needed to stay in touch because he was one of Mark's best friends and how important it is that we all stay in touch no matter where anyone works.

Well I can't exactly tell Mark I told his friend that he was one of Mark's best friends FIRST, now I do not know if he would be mad.  He took it like it was a burden.  But yet, is that why he got that F'ing snobby freaking attitude in the car?

And his friends - I don't know, seems like they were treating me differently, kind of submissive.  I have gained a lot of weight, and people do treat others who are overweight differently.  So I totally believe it could be that.

But it could ALSO be that Mark is bad mouthing me to his friends.  Couple their attitude with his snobby attitude (I do not know what else to call it and cannot exactly explain it - just an attitude), and I wonder.

I am not happy with him AT ALL.


Lynn said...

Your counselor doesn't sound that great! I hope you feel better.

Kansas Sunflower said...

Hi Lynn! : ) No...she annoys me but I was so incredibly irritable. I did not say anything that was not absolutely true. It does actually help our marriage to go to counseling together, but is it rude for me to speak up?

Lynn said...

I don't think it's rude. She's supposed to be helping you and is working for you. If you're not getting what you're paying for, you should speak up.

Kansas Sunflower said...

Yes, agreed Lynn. I guess she does help sometimes. I would stop seeing her, but I don't want Mark to feel like the relationship isn't important, you know?
She annoys him as well, but not anything like she does me. He laughs it off.

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