Self Employed But On a Performance Plan

For the past several weeks, I have had *so* much anxiety that it has been extremely hard for me to work.  As a result, I have maybe 20 wreaths that are late to be shipped.  Very late.

I received an email about a week ago outlining the certain things about my shop that were going poorly and needed to change or I would be suspended.  I was unsure what "suspended" meant and looked it up on the internet - what it meant for this ecommerce site.  "Suspended" means they close your shop permanently (apparently) - not sure.  Maybe it depends on the reason.

I did not even see nor read that message.  OMG.  I got another message yesterday, a week later, after being given a date to respond by that I had missed.  In the first message, it had said if I did not respond by the date (that I missed), my shop faced possible suspension.

The second message said that my shop and listings were no long searchable on the ecommerce site, and that was to give me time to complete my late orders, and that people had found it helpful when they were behind.  What if I am actually "suspended"?  She did say that she saw I had been proactive and put my shop on vacation so that I would not receive more orders.

I now have been given two more weeks (November 9).  This is the email I received yesterday, much less upset than the first one:

Hello,

This is XXX from XXXXX again. As you know, your shop has been removed from XXXXX search results since October 19 so that you could focus your attention on resolving your cases and overdue orders. Looking at your account again today, I see that you've taken the additional precaution of setting your shop on Vacation Mode while you work to get caught up.

While I see that your shop doesn't have any open cases, it appears that you still have a number of open orders that are past their ships-by date so I'm checking in to see how things are going, and if there's anything else that we can do to help.

We kindly ask that you respond to this email with an update before November 9. If we don't hear back from you before this date, we may find it necessary to suspend your account.

I look forward to hearing back from you soon.


The first message is just so long, I am not including it and also, there are company private policies in it I believe.

I need to concentrate on no stress, less stress, etc.  If something happens, I do have another avenue where I can sell.  That is not what I want, and I have a new plan of selling my wreaths.  I absolutely can not keep up with making them as fast as they sell.  If I sold as many as I could, as many as people would buy at certain times of the year, I would need to hire a full time staff.

Oh sure, what a great problem to have, right?  Not that I am not grateful, but I thought this would be a perfect business for someone who DOES have mood disorders, who KNOWS I do need mental health days.

I have plans, if I can get past this, to make it more relaxing and even - dare I say? - enjoyable.

Mental Illness for Halloween?

As a disclaimer, I am no fan of the New York Times.  Even at this moment I am brainstorming where I can check any of the facts in this article.

But the whole idea, and I cannot say it is unfathomable, breaks my heart.  It angers me, and lessens my empathy for others.  But surely it can not be EVERYONE, right?  Or just everyone who has not been touched in some way by mental illness?

Who thought this would be scary and FUN???

They think mental illness would make a great scary Halloween theme?  Reading the article, of the experience one would have, drives my anxiety through the roof.  I am not scared, I am thinking what if this happened to me, in all seriousness.

Mentally Ill Horror Show




Just a Day

Mark and I went for dinner for our anniversary a day early.  I found it interesting that I can make a stupid joke, asking for ketchup for my expensive steak, just to be disappointed that I do not even get the tiniest of flinch from the waiter, just a nod and comment that he will get it right away.  However, when we have breakfast on Saturday mornings, I always have this craving for mustard on my eggs.  OH MY GOD.  Why is that such a big deal?  Looks of shock and horror, even if it is a waiter I have requested it from before.  I am thinking....career waiter and tip amount between the two?

Really does not bother me - I have never asked for ketchup for my steak, something like that horrifies Mark, but I am so over and done with worrying what people think of me (compared to the past, I am sure I still worry way too much).

For my anniversary I ordered a ton of clothes from a nice place that I have shopped in the past, and am so excited to get them.  For our anniversary, I also had a nice skirt ensemble that I felt comfortable in.  I realized, when I was searching and unable to find the simplest of things when getting ready, such as my makeup brushes - that I have not been getting dressed up for some time.  But yesterday, when I did, I felt pretty okay with myself, it felt good.

I usually feel...so ugly and fat and down on myself that I do not even bother. And I also smell - horribly.  Why go to the trouble when I will still look like a fat hillbilly country girl?  Take the country thing with a grain of salt - country everything is so in style right now, but I hope you get what I mean.  Or any other of the buzzwords - farmhouse, fixer upper, etc.

Because I actually felt like a normal person last night on our way to dinner and at dinner, I remembered what it was like, to have self confidence.  To think I was "one of them" (one of the living, one of the normal people, the productive people, the do'ers, the people who succeed in life).Maybe that is taking it a bit far - BUT...not a LOSER.

I really liked it.  I want it again.

Right now, and I do not allow myself to dwell on it, I go for days without a shower.  It seems that it is a reflection of what I think of myself.  And that is....nothing - I guess garden variety trash.

On our way to the restaurant, I took a selfie, couldn't get one where my eyes didn't look sad but I had not updated my profile picture on facebook in a LONG time so posted it.  This is how I look now so I might as well own it.  Yes, Bailey is the cutest dog in the world (hey!  I am his mommy!), but I am sure a picture of myself is a better avatar.

Do people feel sorry for me, telling me that I am beautiful, pretty?  I am absolutely not but perhaps they think I am on the inside and they see it from the outside.  It is really confusing.  I once had this great confidence that yes, I am pretty okay looking, but now feel like the bottom of the gutt-ah.

It is ok - it has taught me there is more to life than that, and I am glad there is more than that.

I plan to start dressing up more.  Maybe my self confidence will go up over time.  I do not only mean about my looks, but just who I am as a person.  That I am of value, that I can be accepted in the world.

This is what I look like, this is what I weight, and I am tired of....I don't know, this constant waiting of I am not sure what to start making myself look nice again.  Lose weight again?  I am just going to own it and do the best I can.

I just got back not long ago from the store and I can guarantee you, the girl I chatted with as she checked me out had no idea any of these things were going through my head.  I am sure she thought I was a happy person, going through my day.  People that really do need help, but are good actors....what becomes of them?


Bipolar Disorder Takes a Friend

I can breathe a sigh of relief.  I now have all of the medications I need.  I no longer think I am headed down a path to the hospital because of a breakdown, as my psychiatrist suggested.  She did not know of my medication issue, however.  It is really uncomfortable to tell my psychiatrist that "Well...I took too much of this or that so I ran out at least a week ago...".  But then she is left with the impression I am on the edge of...night?

My friend committed suicide.

I still struggle with the word "friend".  It is as if I never really wanted to admit I had let my heart open up emotionally when we reconnected to admit that I was in any way attached and softened towards him.  Break ups can do that, even though yes, we were friendly towards each other and did confide somewhat in each other over hard and difficult subjects but never our romantic situations.  Nothing was ever, could have ever been anything more than platonic again between us.  I assume he had zero interest as well.  But I did care about him and his welfare, and he was interesting, entertaining, I appreciated his opinions, he had interesting viewpoints, so different than anyone I knew.  And..we had a mutual caring between us.  I think?

Sorry, rambling.  My mind tends to do that when I think of this.  We had known each other since the mid 90's.  Nine Inch Nails "I Want To F*ck You Like An Animal" had just come out, and the video was only played on MTV after midnight.  We went to Lollapalooza and saw Green Day, Smashing Pumpkins, and awesome bands like those.  That is the time in the 90's we dated, a great time for music, and we both loved music.

I never would have known what had happened to him, although I knew he went out of character radio silent, but his mother sent a message in Facebook, saying she had just gained access to his Facebook account and found messages of ours.  I checked, and the messages I have sound kind of excited about whatever was going on, lots of smileys, talking about Chicago, music, our pets, things friends talk about.  Other than finding messages, it would have been bizarre had she decided to send a message.  I had no idea who she was, did not recognize the name.  The last name was not the same, he never spoke of her, seemed to have contempt towards his family.  I definitely knew at the very least he rarely spoke to them and even more rarely saw them.

Since I knew him well enough and we'd had a brief May-September romance in the 90's, I had a sinking feeling about how he had passed away.  I had suspected towards the end that he had fallen into some kind of deep, dark hole of depression that at that time, I did not know nor understand.  It was not too long before Thanksgiving and I was worried, but took it as he was avoiding me, so that was that.  How else do you interpret something like that?

I replied to his mother's message, and she replied in a very long, rambling message that was SO much information and a lot to think about and process.  I had no idea how to respond, but my psychiatrist helped me with that, I was not ok at the time.  I told her I needed time after so much information and said the normal things people say when someone passes away.  But she even sent me a document that she said she believes led to his spiraling downward.  I guess he had been fired from his job.  Before that, he had been put on a performance plan, and he had created a rebuttal type of document to each one of the points in the performance plan.  It was really personal and I do not think he would want me to see that.  It will take some time, but I am sure in the future I will be glad I did.  It answers a lot of questions I have - about him, even about myself.

From the document, as well as from her, I found that he had bipolar disorder as well as an anxiety disorder.  BAM!  Just like that.  We really had the same mental disorders?  And he took his life?  It reminds once again how high risk those with bipolar disorder are for suicide.  I think it is 20% of people with bipolar disorder commit suicide.  Or...another way to look at it - one person in five.  She said he had started taking himself off of his medications, saying he did not like how they made him feel.  You know, that is one thing we never shared about each other.  Now I see, he was the one person I should have, yet at the same time, I see he was the one person I should have.  However, I did tell him I had been suicidal and hospitalized in the past.

I know that I have mentioned him many times in my blog - more than likely as the "angry atheist", probably wondered to myself what made him angry.  Now it does not matter, and has not mattered for quite awhile.  If we argued about it, I do not recall it, and do not wish to remember it if we did.  To the end, he believed what he believed.  He wanted to be cremated and his body given to science.

I struggled with that and mentioned it to my psychiatrist.  Surely she had an opinion because obviously - she treats his disorders because she treats ME.  That also means she must have had her share of patients who have committed suicide and that makes me so sad for her.  I would love a job where I helped people - but that is one HELL of a way to feel like a failure.  Sorry for the language, but holy shit.

Anyway, she has come to believe and has to believe that people who have such mental anguish, pain and torture (I actually think those are my own adjectives, I do not remember hers) must be at peace now.  She cannot imagine a God who would allow someone to go through so much pain to not now allow them  - their minds - to be at peace.

She did say - he did a good thing, giving his body to science.  He helped people.  True.

I have no idea why our lives kept colliding after the 90's.  Dallas is big town.  That has not happened with anyone else, not physically keep meeting each other like that.  I found once he was working in the same building that I was working.  When I saw him for the first time, it was such a shock, I think I just ran back to my office.

But we became friends, and caught up with each other's lives.  We were both in good relationships (he was the very first time I saw him again anyway) and I was amazed he found someone to put up with him, assumed he had really changed and was happy for both of them.  Sincerely - no reason to lie in my own blog.  Things like that do make me wonder if something is wrong with me, but now I see...uh...something was wrong with both of us!!

We then reconnected somehow, not sure, maybe the day or day before 9/02/10.  Yes, I realize that is a crazy exact day for me to remember.  We both loved Beverly Hills 90210.  I told him Happy 90210 Day and he thought that was so awesome.  I told him about Facebook, and he joined right away and it became such a big part of his life from that moment.

I think his very first post was actually "Happy 90210 Day".

Not sure what else there is to say.  Memories keep flooding so often.  I am absolutely pushing them away, pushing the pain away, I cannot deal with it.  I am not sure if it is appropriate to feel pain for another man when I am married, even though it is platonic, even when I have so much compassion finding out we had suffered the same illnesses...and no one else will ever share the memories I have with him.  That may be the most sad part.  I do not want to cry at 6:30 am so I will leave it at that.  Definitely the memories are the hardest part - what only we shared, especially music.  Ahhh...now that makes sense as well.  Perhaps that is why music was so important to him like it is to me.

Such a tragedy.

My psychiatrist told me (and I thought - hello?  I am sitting RIGHT HERE??) that she thinks that people who have bipolar disorder have a lifelong struggle between life and death.

A lifelong struggle between life and death.  That sounds really dramatic and I certainly do not struggle with it daily, although her comment did not elude to it being a daily struggle.

A lifelong struggle?  Maybe that is a fair statement.  And perhaps it was for him, and he lost the battle.  I really hope I am not motivated to write about this again.

It is just too painful to think about him, the way he passed away, and....well, everything.

Difficult Day - Or Is It How You Deal with It?

The last week (7 days, not M-Su), have been horrible.  Yes, others have had much worse weeks, I am positive about that.  What am I doing?  Why do I downplay how I feel and why?  I need to stop comparing myself and my feelings to others, it simply does not matter nor help me.

Others seem to have this figured out, but I never have.  When I receive a message from someone I do not know, I have no idea that I have received it.  This has happened to some extremely important messages - like the one that reconnected me to an entire side of my family that I had not spoken to since I was a child.

I removed Messenger from my phone last night, and suddenly in the Facebook app it showed I had messages.  I reinstalled, and new messages appeared from, of course, people I did not know.  Just three - spam it seemed and I started deleting.  The last one I almost deleted, but it was a woman so I paid more attention to her message.

I must have read it several times before my mind comprehended what it said.  She introduced herself as the mother of a a person I have known for about two decades, and told me he had "left us" in February.  She had found a message in his facebook messages from me and wanted to thank me for being his friend.

This is really hard to write about.  There is a lot more to this story, but concentrating on it deeply enough to write about it I now realize is difficult and painful.

I will continue the story when I am able.

I just happened to have a psychiatrist appointment this afternoon - after I spoke to his mother a second time.  It was a few hours after her last message so everything was fresh in my mind and I was trying to process the information and come to terms with something that not everyone is able to make right in their minds.

Lots of crying in my appointment, I cannot do this, just need to say -

My psychiatrist, not just because of this although of course it adds to my ever growing stress and mental anguish I have been experiencing, said I should figure out (and she helped me with this) how to lessen my load of wreaths that have been ordered and I need to create (trust me, so, so many that are late, and so many due by Thanksgiving), and not to take any more orders at least until after Christmas.

She explained why my actively managing my stress level (when possible) is important - for example, not selling so so so many wreaths like I did and am now overwhelmed.  And...how I have a lower tolerance for stress, because of my disorder.  It does seem like Mark will get really stressed, for extremely good reasons, but even then, he doesn't lose it and stay in bed for weeks, you know?  He is not a basket case, and I do not know why I am!  Why!!

Can't she just give me a pill for this?

She said if I had a job, she could tell me to take time away from work, but I am self employed and I can not do that.  So...we worked and are working on a plan.

She convinced me of it when she said...if you do not do this, you will have a breakdown and be in the hospital where you will not be able to make ANY wreaths.  Good point - if she really thinks that is where I am headed.

I thought a med change would fix it, but...while yes, she made an adjustment, she has made me see how very, very hard I am on myself.

Okay, that's it.  Spent.  Although all I DO is think about things I do not want to think about, and am constantly trying NOT to think about the things I am thinking about, it is so much worse thinking about them and writing about it.

SPENT.

I need to write about my friend though.  Friend?  That is a strange word, I am questioning my entire life.

Obsessed - I HAVE to know and I will NOT forget

I am really tired of this presidential election.  Maybe not for the same reason everyone else is, but it is very hard for me to read news stories in mainstream media.  I have been trying to step back for my own mental health..  Not out of anger,  but the anxiety it causes from using fear on both sides to manipulate the American public.  Using fear works to manipulate us, so I do not think my self awareness of feeling anxiety when I read political news stories is so strange.  Fear causes anxiety - right?  I have an anxiety disorder, so I am sure I am more cautious and aware of feeling anxious than those who do not deal with it daily.

There IS one news story I just cannot get enough of, and this does happen every now again, that I get so completely...perhaps obsessed with a story?  It has not simply just happened but been building over many weeks.

I know myself.  If the headlines disappear, nothing more is said, I will not forget.  If years go by and there is not an answer?  I will not stop searching until I find SOMETHING to satiate my mind.  I am just like that when I get like this.  I do not know why and trust me, I wish I could change this about myself.  Like a horrible itch that I cannot scratch, but way worse than that.

The Wikileaks story and Julian Assange.  Slowly my interest has been increasing.  I hate to write any type of political opinion in my blog but is it political?  Wait - yes, it is very political in the way it is being used, of course.  No doubt, no question.

This is absolutely what started my curiosity.

I have way more questions than any answers and zero conspiracy theories.  Just lots of questions.

Yes, it is political, the reasons and the timing of the email releasing.  Julian Assange has been very clear about that.

However - everything that has been released is true, they are actual emails that have been written by people, things they have thought, said, etc.  No one is really disputing that.  Nothing much besides.."I cannot recall that email?"

So what the frick?  Publicly threatening Russia with a nuclear war over this?  If they even provided Wikileaks the information at all? If it is over Syria, why publicly is it over emails?  Russian had 40 million people going through nuclear war drills - that amazes me.  Hopefully it is an empty threat, but if so, are we the new North Korea?  OR...even worse, will we actually take millions of innocent lives, including those of children, over emails said in confidence by Hillary's campaign?  I am doing my best to keep up with the email leaks, and I do not understand what is worth killing millions of people in a nuclear war.  To me, the leaks are embarrassing, ugly, and a good analogy is a hot dog.  You really do not want to see how it is made.  But a nuclear war?

But now...where is Julian Assange?  After years of Hillary being documented that she wanted him dead, where is he?  I am NOT a Hillary hater, FYI.  This was documented.  It was even said that a dead man can't leak information, but not by Hillary.  See, this is all just very weird.

I will not be so obsessed once I know where the freak he is and what happened to him, unless that is more of a mystery than it is now.

I am amazed that our government is going to such extreme lengths to silence this person, and I simply want to know...why?  If our country is trying to manipulate into thinking Russia is behind this by threatening them with a nuclear war (I am sure we all took it in different ways - obviously for me, I am thinking what the HELL? and thus started my path down the rabbit trail) and doing all they can to hunt him down, as if that would stop the information from being released...

...what more could happen to increase my interest as to what in the world they are trying to silence, and will I ever find out?

Those that want to stay stuck on being mad at Russia and not move on from that, fine - I really do not care how the information was obtained after the fact.  I just want to know what it IS that has the government absolutely freaked out.

I also wonder...if the leaks continue after the election, will the threat of a nuclear war to Russia still remain?  Why would it, if it truly is about Russia trying to manipulate our election process?

So much does not make any sense at all.

I have to know, I just have to, and that's it.  Trust me, my husband will want me to know as well, because I am sure he will start to get sick of my talking about it all of the time soon.  Have that familiar "little talk" with me eventually.






Hoping Things Happen In 3's Is A Myth

What a week!  I have been needing to write for some time, but never more than this morning.  I need to get this out and hopefully get some of it off of my mind.  Writing helps with that so much!

I am hoping it is not always true that bad things happen in 3's.  I text my psychiatrist/therapist sometimes, and she promises me that things do not happen in 3's.

Some background...I missed about a year being locked out of my blog.

I had a bad car accident last summer.

I cannot remember the date, but according to paperwork, it was in July 2015.  It was my fault.  I was at a stop sign, in front of a highway-type of road in front of me going left and right.  There was no road going through for me to go straight, just left or right.  They did not stop - like I said, it is a highway of sorts, but not as high speed as a highway.

I was turning left and misjudged the speed of the car coming from the left.  It hit me pretty much right on drivers side (the impact I think was exactly where I was sitting).  It was ugly.  Lots of emergency vehicles, people stopping to help, others jumping out of their cars to proclaim they were some sort of medical personnel and asking if everyone was ok and if anyone needed help, a big fiasco.  I remember feeling absolutely humiliated.  This was after the crash, the air bags, the realization I was alive, and people helping me out of the passengers side, constantly asking if I was okay.

For some crazy reason, yes, basically, I was.  I walked out of the car shaken and I am sure in absolute shock, but okay except for not being able to do anything with my right hand.  That was so bizarre.  Compared to the OTHER driver though, I did not have the nerve to even ask for assistance or guidance as to what was wrong with my hand.  The man in the other car was being lifted out of his car by paramedics, something being done while on a gurney on the street, then taken away in an ambulance.

Since it was my fault, I was asked to sign things, tickets, not sure what else.  I write with my right hand and could not sign anything.  The police officers kept urging me to seek medical help, over and over (I mean, the wreck was pretty bad), but I wanted to get the hell out of there.

From the ticket, I had the the other driver's name, knew what hospital he was sent to, and called every day for several days.  Of course they wouldn't give me details, but at least I knew how long he stayed and when he checked out.  He stayed for several days.

I believe I had severe pain several weeks after the accident.  It was on the same side of my body that my hand would not work at the accident.  I did not go to the doctor - again, that stubbornness.  Maybe I felt that I deserved it, I am not sure.

Although I am the absolute worst at diagnosing myself, sciatic pain after a car accident fit my symptoms perfectly.  I could barely walk without severe pain for 3 weeks.  There was a place on my lower back that would shoot horrendous pain if I moved the wrong way.  I called my doctor several times, always prefacing that I could not come in, and I was doing the right thing as far as home remedies.  Besides, the internet said the best thing was rest (and heating pads, etc.)

It finally went away, completely, but recently weird things are happening with that leg again.  Knee pain and swelling when I use our stairs to often and too fast.  I have a physical next week and I guess it is time for me just to spill the beans, whether or not I deserve my pain.

Okay, so that is now documented.

As far as our cars - his was totalled.  I did see  his car and the front, where he hit me, was completely crushed in to around where the driver sits.  This was over a year ago, I was probably in shock, so I cannot really say for sure.  At any rate, his car was totaled.

I drive a Range Rover, and my auto insurance would not total my car.  The repairs were almost $30k.  And about 4 months, with a very, extremely rare occurrence of losing my temper with a service person that surprisingly scared him into overdrive.  To put that into perspective, my voice is extremely feminine, soft, and uppity - it is something I cannot help.  Mark is the tough guy - he is the jackass that gets people going when we receive poor service, but he could not get this guy to react on my Range Rover.  When he told me that, I was shocked.  That never happens.

The car rental service that our insurance would pay for had expired because of the amount of time it was taking Range Rover to repair my car.

I called him, determined to be tough, but not sure I could do it.  I am programmed to be understanding, not demanding, although understanding and demanding I can do.  However, he said something that absolutely set me off.  I remember his exact words: "You do not understand.  You have no idea how bad this car was wrecked when we received it."  Wow.  I have no idea how long I went off.

I won't go into details, too long, but he absolutely sprung into action, offered (yes, he offered) to pay for my rental until my car was finished being repaired, and started calling me with regular updates. It was weird how this initial laissez faire man sprung into overdrive.

OKAY!  So, now.  my current problems, and by the way, I now have a headache rehashing that.  I hate thinking about it and try not to.  Not pleasant memories so this will come as no surprise that I did not take what happened yesterday well at all.

I knew that the man that I hit (that hit me?) had big medical bills adding up.  Our insurance company told us when they were getting close to exceeding our $100k liability limit.  They said they planned to attempt to settle with him for $100k, and that was the last I heard.

Yesterday I was served with a civil suit from the man.  By the way, he is about 75.  I do not even want to write about it.  I was so upset, still am, cannot think about it too much.  My friend asked if I had considered that he realized I was driving a Ranger Rover and saw dollar signs.  No, those things do not occur to me.  The vast majority of the time, it does not occur to me that people try to be deceptive, although...strangely enough, one time someone did file fraudelent auto accident injury claims against me.  They even showed up to court wearing a neck brack and crutches.  I had an excellent insurance agent who figured everything out and it was thrown out.  Thank God.  I was beyond furious - I took it very personal.

I just cannot imagine that this time.  A 75 year old man?  This time he is suing me, personally, although the insurance company said let them take care of it, although they have not said I will not be liable for anything.  I fucked up.  It only takes a split second - a totally innocent mistake - and your life can be ruined, and you can ruin a life.

I have to move on.  The amount of time and torture I have put upon myself already about this is unreal.  The horrible thing now is that Mark does not deserve to be punished for this.  What if we lose everything?  What if we have to declare bankruptcy?  People say it will be ok, but they do not know.  Why?  Because things like that do not normally happen?  But they do happen to people, so why not me?

So that was yesterday morning, and I struggled with it all day.  Seriously though, being served a civil suit, to me, is pretty serious and a day of emotional struggling does not seem abnormal.  Call me crazy if it is.  Technically, you would be right.

I got up this morning, and like I normally do, I checked the balance online of my business checking account.  I saw it was in the red, and as I had just woken up, struggled to read the transactions to see what had happened.  As I was reading them, I was not quite comprehending them, and thinking I must have made a few that I could not remember, and then I saw the most bizarre transaction.  $137 had been spent at Taco Bell in Chicago.  Something like that will wake you right the hell up!

There were only a few transactions, but obviously not mine.  I was absolutely shaken, although I know these things are not an uncommon occurrence.  ItI just feels like such a violation, and of course, someone stole from me, but I did not know how so how would I know what else they had access to?

I may have been shaking when I called the bank at around 6 this morning.  I feel silly for letting it shake me up so bad, Mark had already told me I would be reimbursed, but it was more than that.  I have not even processed it enough yet to know what the "more than" is that bothers me.  

She was very kind even though I asked her SO many questions.  I wanted to know the TIME the transactions were made (first was at 10:30 last night so I caught it quick at least), was it online - no, they had a physical card made and the transactions were in person.  If I had my debit card, how did they get my card info?  She gave me scenarios - like devices on gas pumps, the internet, etc.  One mistake I have made is that since getting my new laptop in August, I have not put antivirus software on it yet, so am about to do that.  I feel like an idiot not doing that.

AND...SO FREAKING behind on orders.  I would like to say I am trying my best, but the only thing I am working on is my emotions with it.  I will do my best today.

Seriously, I am going through a crash course of bad things happening on a daily basis and learning to deal with them, right now I am not curled into a fetal position in bed, so...perhaps I should take that one small thing as a victory for now.  Really, what else have I got to hold on as a victory at this point?









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