Difficult Day - Or Is It How You Deal with It?

The last week (7 days, not M-Su), have been horrible.  Yes, others have had much worse weeks, I am positive about that.  What am I doing?  Why do I downplay how I feel and why?  I need to stop comparing myself and my feelings to others, it simply does not matter nor help me.

Others seem to have this figured out, but I never have.  When I receive a message from someone I do not know, I have no idea that I have received it.  This has happened to some extremely important messages - like the one that reconnected me to an entire side of my family that I had not spoken to since I was a child.

I removed Messenger from my phone last night, and suddenly in the Facebook app it showed I had messages.  I reinstalled, and new messages appeared from, of course, people I did not know.  Just three - spam it seemed and I started deleting.  The last one I almost deleted, but it was a woman so I paid more attention to her message.

I must have read it several times before my mind comprehended what it said.  She introduced herself as the mother of a a person I have known for about two decades, and told me he had "left us" in February.  She had found a message in his facebook messages from me and wanted to thank me for being his friend.

This is really hard to write about.  There is a lot more to this story, but concentrating on it deeply enough to write about it I now realize is difficult and painful.

I will continue the story when I am able.

I just happened to have a psychiatrist appointment this afternoon - after I spoke to his mother a second time.  It was a few hours after her last message so everything was fresh in my mind and I was trying to process the information and come to terms with something that not everyone is able to make right in their minds.

Lots of crying in my appointment, I cannot do this, just need to say -

My psychiatrist, not just because of this although of course it adds to my ever growing stress and mental anguish I have been experiencing, said I should figure out (and she helped me with this) how to lessen my load of wreaths that have been ordered and I need to create (trust me, so, so many that are late, and so many due by Thanksgiving), and not to take any more orders at least until after Christmas.

She explained why my actively managing my stress level (when possible) is important - for example, not selling so so so many wreaths like I did and am now overwhelmed.  And...how I have a lower tolerance for stress, because of my disorder.  It does seem like Mark will get really stressed, for extremely good reasons, but even then, he doesn't lose it and stay in bed for weeks, you know?  He is not a basket case, and I do not know why I am!  Why!!

Can't she just give me a pill for this?

She said if I had a job, she could tell me to take time away from work, but I am self employed and I can not do that.  So...we worked and are working on a plan.

She convinced me of it when she said...if you do not do this, you will have a breakdown and be in the hospital where you will not be able to make ANY wreaths.  Good point - if she really thinks that is where I am headed.

I thought a med change would fix it, but...while yes, she made an adjustment, she has made me see how very, very hard I am on myself.

Okay, that's it.  Spent.  Although all I DO is think about things I do not want to think about, and am constantly trying NOT to think about the things I am thinking about, it is so much worse thinking about them and writing about it.


I need to write about my friend though.  Friend?  That is a strange word, I am questioning my entire life.

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