Really does not bother me - I have never asked for ketchup for my steak, something like that horrifies Mark, but I am so over and done with worrying what people think of me (compared to the past, I am sure I still worry way too much).
For my anniversary I ordered a ton of clothes from a nice place that I have shopped in the past, and am so excited to get them. For our anniversary, I also had a nice skirt ensemble that I felt comfortable in. I realized, when I was searching and unable to find the simplest of things when getting ready, such as my makeup brushes - that I have not been getting dressed up for some time. But yesterday, when I did, I felt pretty okay with myself, it felt good.
I usually feel...so ugly and fat and down on myself that I do not even bother. And I also smell - horribly. Why go to the trouble when I will still look like a fat hillbilly country girl? Take the country thing with a grain of salt - country everything is so in style right now, but I hope you get what I mean. Or any other of the buzzwords - farmhouse, fixer upper, etc.
Because I actually felt like a normal person last night on our way to dinner and at dinner, I remembered what it was like, to have self confidence. To think I was "one of them" (one of the living, one of the normal people, the productive people, the do'ers, the people who succeed in life).Maybe that is taking it a bit far - BUT...not a LOSER.
I really liked it. I want it again.
Right now, and I do not allow myself to dwell on it, I go for days without a shower. It seems that it is a reflection of what I think of myself. And that is....nothing - I guess garden variety trash.
On our way to the restaurant, I took a selfie, couldn't get one where my eyes didn't look sad but I had not updated my profile picture on facebook in a LONG time so posted it. This is how I look now so I might as well own it. Yes, Bailey is the cutest dog in the world (hey! I am his mommy!), but I am sure a picture of myself is a better avatar.
Do people feel sorry for me, telling me that I am beautiful, pretty? I am absolutely not but perhaps they think I am on the inside and they see it from the outside. It is really confusing. I once had this great confidence that yes, I am pretty okay looking, but now feel like the bottom of the gutt-ah.
It is ok - it has taught me there is more to life than that, and I am glad there is more than that.
I plan to start dressing up more. Maybe my self confidence will go up over time. I do not only mean about my looks, but just who I am as a person. That I am of value, that I can be accepted in the world.
This is what I look like, this is what I weight, and I am tired of....I don't know, this constant waiting of I am not sure what to start making myself look nice again. Lose weight again? I am just going to own it and do the best I can.
I just got back not long ago from the store and I can guarantee you, the girl I chatted with as she checked me out had no idea any of these things were going through my head. I am sure she thought I was a happy person, going through my day. People that really do need help, but are good actors....what becomes of them?