Just a Day

Mark and I went for dinner for our anniversary a day early.  I found it interesting that I can make a stupid joke, asking for ketchup for my expensive steak, just to be disappointed that I do not even get the tiniest of flinch from the waiter, just a nod and comment that he will get it right away.  However, when we have breakfast on Saturday mornings, I always have this craving for mustard on my eggs.  OH MY GOD.  Why is that such a big deal?  Looks of shock and horror, even if it is a waiter I have requested it from before.  I am thinking....career waiter and tip amount between the two?

Really does not bother me - I have never asked for ketchup for my steak, something like that horrifies Mark, but I am so over and done with worrying what people think of me (compared to the past, I am sure I still worry way too much).

For my anniversary I ordered a ton of clothes from a nice place that I have shopped in the past, and am so excited to get them.  For our anniversary, I also had a nice skirt ensemble that I felt comfortable in.  I realized, when I was searching and unable to find the simplest of things when getting ready, such as my makeup brushes - that I have not been getting dressed up for some time.  But yesterday, when I did, I felt pretty okay with myself, it felt good.

I usually feel...so ugly and fat and down on myself that I do not even bother. And I also smell - horribly.  Why go to the trouble when I will still look like a fat hillbilly country girl?  Take the country thing with a grain of salt - country everything is so in style right now, but I hope you get what I mean.  Or any other of the buzzwords - farmhouse, fixer upper, etc.

Because I actually felt like a normal person last night on our way to dinner and at dinner, I remembered what it was like, to have self confidence.  To think I was "one of them" (one of the living, one of the normal people, the productive people, the do'ers, the people who succeed in life).Maybe that is taking it a bit far - BUT...not a LOSER.

I really liked it.  I want it again.

Right now, and I do not allow myself to dwell on it, I go for days without a shower.  It seems that it is a reflection of what I think of myself.  And that is....nothing - I guess garden variety trash.

On our way to the restaurant, I took a selfie, couldn't get one where my eyes didn't look sad but I had not updated my profile picture on facebook in a LONG time so posted it.  This is how I look now so I might as well own it.  Yes, Bailey is the cutest dog in the world (hey!  I am his mommy!), but I am sure a picture of myself is a better avatar.

Do people feel sorry for me, telling me that I am beautiful, pretty?  I am absolutely not but perhaps they think I am on the inside and they see it from the outside.  It is really confusing.  I once had this great confidence that yes, I am pretty okay looking, but now feel like the bottom of the gutt-ah.

It is ok - it has taught me there is more to life than that, and I am glad there is more than that.

I plan to start dressing up more.  Maybe my self confidence will go up over time.  I do not only mean about my looks, but just who I am as a person.  That I am of value, that I can be accepted in the world.

This is what I look like, this is what I weight, and I am tired of....I don't know, this constant waiting of I am not sure what to start making myself look nice again.  Lose weight again?  I am just going to own it and do the best I can.

I just got back not long ago from the store and I can guarantee you, the girl I chatted with as she checked me out had no idea any of these things were going through my head.  I am sure she thought I was a happy person, going through my day.  People that really do need help, but are good actors....what becomes of them?

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