Pleasant Thanksgiving in Dallas

"Hello" she said, to no one there.  That is how I feel when starting a blog entry!  I could not be more okay with that - I have to write for myself and not worry about others judging me, as I know those that may read this will do.  Again - that is okay. : )

Got back from Dallas last night - had a good (dare I say great?) trip!  Only big mishap was a stupid medication interaction I had.  Imitrex (only 1/8th of a pill!) with Dramamine, the original formula, not the less drowsy kind.  I was at Mark's parents house in the spare bedroom asleep during Thanksgiving dinner.  No complaints really, I do not miss what I have no idea may or may not have happened.  My brother in law's girlfriend made a nice little plate for me (I guess no one else thought to do that??), and everyone understood about my sleeping.

I told Mark's mother, a retired nurse, what I had done with the medication that I was so surprised had made me so sleepy.  When I woke up, she had looked in some of kind of drug book she had and told me why it had made me so sleepy, but that my reaction was not normal and I should not take dramamine again.  Mark had filled her in that I always needed at least the rest of the day if not longer to recover after taking it.

No big deal - I should have remember the ear patches for motion sickness,

It was good to see Mark's family.  I really like all of them now, when I used to be so uncomfortable and absolutely hate his family gatherings.  I even skipped some, staying home even though we lived in DFW along with them.

His sister and I had a "spa day" the day after Thanksgiving, and it was SO relaxing.  I suggested we make it a tradition from now on.

I have decided she is very like Mark.  She has this personality I love through text - it seems so outgoing with exclamation points and lots of emojis.  But when I am with both in person, that is not them at all.  They are not outgoing like their texts, they are introverted although his sister less so, yet it seems more so since I know her less.  It is so hard to describe.

His sister in law (married to his brother) came over, everyone assumes it was just to see Mark and I, not them, and I think by Mark and I, they really mean so his sister in law could see me because we absolutely adore each other.  I could talk and talk to her - she is SO warm and friendly and loving, and I sat between her and my teenage niece and we chatted up a storm.  I felt so loved nestled between them - it was very genuine and my adoration is real love for them and feels so warm and good.  I do not let people in like that nor do people make me feel they way they do hardly ever.  It was SO SO nice to feel that way.  I will cherish the time I spent with them this Thanksgiving for a long time, although it was short.

Yes, I do know that his sister in law does not like anyone else in Mark's family besides us.  She especially, especially despises their mother who tries so hard to get along, but my sister in law will not really even acknowledge her presence, even though she is in her house.  There is a history, and she and I have bonded over certain things because we are the only sisters in law.  Neither of us like that our husbands went through certain things and do not understand it, the continued pain they go through - not easy to watch.  There is no one else for us to talk to about many things concerning the family - mainly the parents.

For me, it is WAY more than that though.  She is my only ally when it comes to certain things.  I can say - what the F is the deal with the parents?!?  Why do they DO that and does it drive you NUTS too?  And she is the ONLY one in the entire world who GETS IT!  haha! : )

But about the sister in law and his family, sure, the other family members (even Mark!) can tell me about how much she (because her husband, their brother is, in my opinion, a better actor around them in pretending everything is okay when it comes to them) hurts them when she treats their mother a certain way.  OMG their mother is not a piece of china and the victim all of the time.  Hello?  Remember childhood Mark, where YOU are the victim of your parents?

So his mother cries, while all can see but his sister in law because I was with her and I did not see it.  Not because of anything she did but because of what she does NOT do.  Yet I totally get it and really do not care if they do or do not and do not judge her.  Of course I wish we all got along and she could just act like everyone else, but I also admire like HELL that she is not that kind of person.

There is nothing more refreshing to me than genuine people.  I simply could never have enough people around me that I do not have to wonder or worry what they think of me because they are not faking their feelings - about me or about themselves.  The more fake I perceive someone to be, the more I dislike them.  I generally like everyone, but THOSE people - and surely everyone knows who I mean - who you can tell right away are fake, usually because they want something from someone or have ulterior motives - I cannot stand and avoid being around.  Eventually I find myself in a worthless fake conversation with them that I can hardly fake my own smile and I am sure look of distaste on my face.  And that is SOOOOO not like me at ALL.

I am a such a people pleaser - but not to a fake people pleaser.  My God, be genuine in wanting to make people happy.  Like, who doesn't feel good when you make someone else feel better than they did when you first started talking to them?  So many genuine, real things to talk about.  I hate fake people.  Have I said how much I loathe fake people?


Because I get along so well with Mark's sister and she did say something like "I don't know what I ever did to HER" to me, I did speak up a bit for her.  However, I did not want to share anything she told me in confidence.  I never talk about either of them to the other, and I can tell they make a point not to talk about the other to me as well.  Now I am unsure I did, but I do not think it was anything critical.

I simply said - your sister-in-law is not totally to blame in this.  She is very protective of her husband (which is her brother).  I told his sister that I have no idea what happened or what her brother told his wife, but I know she is not happy about it, she is not being mean for no reason or something petty.  But again, I do not know 100% of everything, so it came across as perhaps...  I did ask - do you have any idea what your brother could be so hurt about that he would have told her her that it seems like she finds it hard to forgive?  (Knowing full well his sister will never say this to his mother - cry = fragile china = victim = family rallies behind her)

So although Mark and his sister were pissed that their sister in law "made their mother cry" by snubbing her, when I later asked them this (separately), they did admit, quite dumbfounded - that during the tumultuous time when they admitted Paul was having problems, neither have any idea what their parents could have done.  They have no memory of it, just that it was a hard time between their parents and brother.  I truly wanted to know - what in the world did their parents do to their brother that would have made my sister in law so angry and unforgiving?

They are both quite a bit younger than their brother - 6 or more years? so I had a good idea they would have no idea.

I am not saying my sister in law is right, but I do not know what happened, I do not like quite a few things that happened to my own husband though I do realize no parent is perfect and almost all parents fuck up their children in some way.  While I do not know what happened to their brother, and I do realize that no matter what has happened to someone, their pain is real, just as real as mine is about my own childhood.  That has taken awhile to sink in - that I need to allow my husband to have his pain about his childhood.  For the longest time, I thought he was a big crybaby to complain, spoiled even.  He sure did live a cozy childhood when I compare it to my own hellish nightmare of an existence.  I wanted to "throw him to the wolves" of my childhood for awhile to see what a painful childhood and painful childhood memories was all about. I realize...he does not have that reference in his mind, does not have that experience.  His pain and what was hell to him is real.  Does not mean it does make him seem like a pussy to me.

Yes, I know, empathy is "supposed" to be one of my biggest strengths".  But come on, seriously people?  However..they are still together, meeting for the holidays.

Wish I could stay the same, that I was meeting with my family, ick - would have to cross a few names off though.  In blood.  Their blood.  That I have cut from their finger with a sharp razor blade in a single, painful slice.

They could then be provided with a small band-aid to stop the bleeding of the finger cut, but not by me.  I would designate someone in another room where I would not see comfort for them of any kind.

LOLOL.  So evil yet fun to write.  HAHA.

Yes, pleasant Thanksgiving.  Hope everyone did as well! : )

Too Much Latuda = Weird Suicidal Thoughts

When I went to my psychiatrist last week, I told her about my strange thoughts.  I was thinking a lot about suicide, but the thoughts seemed to have started not in my mind, but somehow outside of my mind, as a color.  I found it hard to describe and probably went on a bit too much trying to describe it as best I could but it really was strange.

I used to think in music, for a very long time.  For someone who thinks in numbers or has never thought about how they think besides an internal conversation - if there is one or they are aware of one, I often wonder what goes through their mind - how do they think?  Like I said, for me, for years and years, it was always music.  That was so tiringly overly emotional.  I would wake up with a song in my head for no apparent reason and it would last for days on end.  I have blogged way too much about it.  But now I think in colors.  It is too hard to explain, or maybe I do not have the energy right now to explain.

Anyway!  Two weeks before that appointment, she had increased my Latuda from 40 (mg?) to 60.  I would have to get up and see if the measurement is in mg but surely it is. After describing the beginning of the thoughts, she said what I described, the thoughts coming from outside of myself, as being the warning signs of what is described when anti-depressants are labelled "may cause suicidal thoughts", or whatever that warning is.  Yes, of course I have heard about teenagers having that problem, but me?

She said to go back to my previous dosage of Latuda as it was too high and then added the new medication.  She also did not seem to like that I had mentioned I "thought it colors", or maybe that was my perception, but she did say something about it.  I could be incorrect what she was referencing.  But doesn't everybody think in some terms of something?  Sure - thinking in music or colors must be weird to many, but thinking in numbers for instance, as many people have told me when I have asked "how they think" (which I realize is a strange thing to ask and people and confused by the question in general), they say counting things as they do them, that is really weird to ME.  My husband takes "thinking in numbers" WAAAAY beyond that, to a place I cannot possibly understand - equations I will never be able to do, let alone think in my own mind creatively.  He believes EVERYTHING is a number, but just because I do not understand it does not mean it is not okay he thinks in that way.  It is just that my brain is simply not tapped in that way, ever, really unless there is a need.

I must tire people out asking them the weird questions that I do, but to me, they are important in learning about myself and them.  I have only been asked by one person, ever, "how do you think?".  I can imagine a majority of people have never been asked that, and perhaps have never considered it?

When my psychiatrist said the thoughts I had were most likely coming from too much Latuda, I completely skipped taking it that night, hoping to get the levels down in my blood.  I only skipped one night though, so doubtful it did much besides easing my mind - not literally, but the bit of panic I had when hearing that.

However, the thoughts are gone, strangely enough.  Could they really go away that quickly?  I find that hard to believe.  The "thoughts outside of myself" had already subsided once I recognized them and thought about how strange it came to me as a color and had just become wishful thinking and wanting.  But now...nothing.  Those awful thoughts are gone.

When we went to marriage counseling, my old therapist that I used to see in individual counseling did help quite a bit with my stress and anxiety about the orders I have that are so late and am unsure that I can have done in time.  I was convinced that could not get them done in time but now....I see I need to make them and simply get done what I can.

She helped me realize my problem, by simply asking me.  I never really thought about it.  When I start making a wreath, I start getting crazy anxiety thinking about all of the OTHERS I need to make, so much that I need to take anxiety medication, but the anxiety keeps getting worse.  I work until the anxiety is absolutely unbearable which isn't long.

Wow, just thinking about it and I feel anxious and not sure if I even want to write more about it.  She suggested I make myself comfortable, find a show/movie, anything that I enjoy watching, and concentrate on that one wreath.  Ha, sounds too easy, right?  But she said really concentrate on that one wreath, watching what I enjoy, and block out the "noise", not to think about the others I need to do.

On one hand, sounds simple enough.  But on the other, I have not allowed myself to do that.  There were a few more suggestions, but that was the biggest and I will at least try.

Maybe I said I do not "think" in music any longer - not sure, what is not thinking in music really mean?  I had thought that way for so long, perhaps it is just muted quite a bit now.

I heard this song today that I have not heard in so long.  It is a song that used to make me happy.  It was before satellite radio (I think), so I had no idea who sang it, the name of it, anything.  It was on the radio quite a bit, but if they said the band name or title, I kept missing it - for weeks!  The few lyrics I knew I would use the internet to search, and find nothing.  Not sure how I finally figured it out, but obviously I did.

OH!  Hands Down by Dashboard Confessionals

The best part?  The words blissfully mean nothing to me except they make me happy. : )  So rare in a song I like.

Okay so...when looking for the song to post, I could not post the video they made from youtube, so the next best choice was the song with the lyrics.  I watched it, and DAMN if I do now remember what drew me in to this song.  I'm actually a bit crushed.

I remember thinking about a certain part of the song towards the beginning that he says and thinking...he's right, wouldn't that be perfect?  This was way before I went to the psych ward even.

That is not the only reason I like this song - I had totally forgotten about it.  It DOES make me happy, and it is a happy song, period.

I realize no one listens to my songs, but I do on the rare occasions I go back and read through my blog. : )  Songs help me with what I was thinking at a particular time - so it needs to be a part of my blog.

Wow, a bombshell for me right now.  LOVE this song.  I hope I forget that part again.

Trying My Best

In thinking back to that first Vraylar dosage, I do not think I considered everything that happened after I took it.

I remember *perhaps* feeling quite relaxed after I took it, but I had a nagging headache, a different kind of headache than one of my thousand types of "regular" headaches I get daily it seems.  I was actually so relaxed and a bit sleepy that I had laid in bed.

I am not exactly sure how long that lasted, but I do remember thinking I would feel better if that headache went away.  I had tried everything, as I usually do.  The regulars - Advil, Naproxen and Excedrin Migraine and had waited.  Nothing.

So this is what I think was a horrible mistake.  And I mean it could have been really, really horrible.  I took perhaps 1/4 - 1/3 of an Imitrex, which normally does not have a good reaction anyway.  It seems like shortly after that is when I had all of those crazy thoughts, nausea - all of that which I wrote in my last post.

I took my first dose of Vraylar on Thursday on the dumbest time possible - the middle of the afternoon and had terrible insomnia.

I am so worried that I am making a mistake and will go through the same horrendous side effects, but I plan to give Vraylar another chance tomorrow.

However, I am so scared of the side effects, and they were truly horrendous yet I am pretty convinced the Imitrex was a big part of those, that I am going to open the capsule of the 1.5 mg starter dose and half the dosage.

I doubt that will make it a therapeutic dose, but that is completely beside the point.  If this medication in fact has these horrible side effects, there is no way I can take it.  I am going to try it again, and one half of the tablet should be enough to trigger the side effects but not in full force - I HOPE.

If no side effects are triggered (although I will not be surprised if I get an f-ing headache - sorry about the language but I cannot stress enough how much I hate having one pretty much every day of my life - then I will know it was the Imitrex.  I will not be surprised if indeed the Imitrex caused horrible problems because it just does without an unknown medication.

I have to give it a fair shot before telling my psychiatrist no.  There was a time when I would tell my psychiatrist in Dallas - not only no but HELL no already.  But right now, I do not feel that I have given it a fair shake.

So what is going right at this moment?  I am keeping it together.  AT THIS MOMENT.

I got a letter in the mail today - from an attorney that has been assigned to me from my auto insurance I had when I had the bad wreck in case we go to trial.  That is such a HUGE trigger for me.  I did not even read the entire thing before I fell apart.  BUT.  It did not last long - maybe 5 minutes?  I then went back and got the letter, looked up the attorney and found that there was no way I could have found someone as qualified on my own, nor probably afforded them as well.  That helped.  I cannot control this, I never could have.  But it does say there may be questions that need answered, depositions I will have to do, and of course, maybe a trial.  Okay, when I wrote a trial, my stomach jumped into my throat and I questioned if I was going to vomit.

But.  I got through it.  I am not still freaking out.  I am not a basket case.  I am dealing.  Maybe I just want it over with now.

My wreaths.  WAY behind.  Lots of anxiety.  Someone opened another case, and I refunded their money and responded.  All I can do is my best.  I am where I am.  There is nothing more I can do at this point.

I responded to customers inquiring about their orders.  I gave them the info they requested, and if appropriate, I also offered a refund.  I have no money in my work account, I am having to transfer from our joint account.  I think this is making Mark pretty unhappy but he has not commented about it yet.

Today is today, and this is how I feel.  Tomorrow is tomorrow and I have no clue how I will feel then.  NO CLUE.

Is this part of being bipolar?  Not trusting how you will feel from day to day?  Not knowing how you will feel, who you will be tomorrow?  Will I be strong?  Will I be crying all day?  Will I be focused and working hard?  Will I be angry?  Will I be laying in bed and not able to get up all day?

This is where I am right now.  I want to be dependable, if to no one else, to myself.  I want to know that I will be okay emotionally.

Right now, I do not know that.  I do not trust myself.

I feel one way, then not too much later, I feel another.  So I will text my psychiatrist one thing, see her the next day, and I might feel another, and it is so confusing to me.

From the description of Vraylar, I think she thinks I am in a "mixed state".

Is THIS what being in a mixed state is like?  If so, it SUCKS!

New Medication - Vraylar

I saw my psychiatrist today and started a new medication - Vraylar.  From how she described it and what I read from patient reviews, I decided to go ahead and take it today around 2:00.  I guess that was a mistake?

Horrible insomnia, so nauseous, seems like I am being a bit paranoid in my thoughts, and perhaps having kind of creepy thoughts that are unpleasant.  I am also noticed I feel really hot since taking it.

I did read, and do not know why I dismissed it, on one of the sites that the top two side effects were insomnia and nausea.  Oops!  I think they may go away eventually  I will research it more tomorrow.  Right now, nauseous enough that I do not want to sit up for a long period of time and risk running to the bathroom, as it is better when I am laying down.  But then my mind is just thinking, thinking, thinking...oh!  Maybe racing thoughts?  I never really know what that is for sure.

I am not going to take it tomorrow but may try again the next day, in the morning, if my research finds that both side effects go away in a short amount of time.  The patient reviews that were positive were SO SO positive that I do want to give it a try.  On the other hand, it seemed like people thought it was a miracle drug or the devil.  I have no proof that the "miracle drug" reviews weren't written by pharma people.  Yet I cannot imagine my psychiatrist would not tell me the truth?  How she described it though was pretty much the opposite of how I feel right now.

Tired of the Suffering

I guess the realization or the hard core depression set in yesterday.  I haven't wanted to finish my orders and got an unhappy review from a customer.  I deserved it.  I am not sure why I do not deserve more bad reviews, bad everything.

For several days, I have noticed the voice, or maybe it is not really a voice but a sudden knowing but it does not seem like it comes from myself, but something other than myself.  I am aware it is in my head, my mind, and I do not mean that to be as if I am making it up, but rather that I am not making it up.  That is where the awareness of the intrusion, yet it does not seem like an intrusion, is.

It is a foreign, although comforting and not unwanted knowing that I can end it whenever I want.  It calms me and makes me feel better at that moment.  Usually it is just to get through that day until the next.

Yesterday it was more vivid, it was a color, a very calming, soothing color.  It was not a "vision", that is just how it showed up in my mind.  I am not sure if "it" had a voice or if it was a "knowing".  My life is all about colors, constantly, it is what I notice and how I think.  My moods are colors, I describe things in colors.

How to describe the color?  It was not pure white.  It would be close to the color if someone had repurposed a small piece of furniture - say an end table, with a rustic white color, to make the piece look homey I guess - comforting.  But that rustic white didn't stop.  Beyond that was clear blue, blue sky - I would imagine maybe what the heaven skies would be like, I guess?  For some reason I am thinking of white wings but I do not know if I am adding to what I saw.

And it was just a very calming I can end this.  Anytime.  I can take my life.  Was it actually saying I can kill myself?  Maybe.

I cannot point to one thing, just a big grab bag of everything.  The fight in the counselor's office with Mark.  I am so tired and fed up with the whole thing.

He WINS! I want to scream at him.  I want to put a pretend crown on his head and tell him YOU are the biggest victim, you have the most pain, you have had the worst life of anyone ever.  You win, you lose, whatever the challenge, here is your crown.

I can't take it and it will never change.  Apparently talking to him ever is wrong.  Good, bad, about MY day, HIS day, anything.  Uttering a word - bad.  This week, I am not to talk to him when he comes home - I guess aside from hello, no clue.  The therapist wanted to call me each night and talk to her about whatever I needed to talk about.  What the fuck?  Let him spend time alone.  He does not want to be touched nor does he ever just hold my hand or touch me unless he wants sex.  On the rare occasion he has touched me and I said I do not want sex when sitting on the couch he has gotten hurt, but then yeah, he had wanted sex.  But still...oh my God, how dare I say that.

He sits in his office and plays video games.  All days.  But that is supposed to be a good thing.  Because he is an introvert.  Because that is how he recharges.  And me?  Well it is my "job" in the relationship to the the social director.  What the fuck ever.  I will stay in this house and rot.  Good luck to anyone who feels the way I do making plans to do something when I do not even want to, getting his half hearted ass to come with me when I know he does not want to, then trying to drive a happy conversation during the outing.  FUCK THAT.  I am so over that.  And I am so over him faking it.  He is what he is and I am what I am.

He claims he has border line high functioning Asperger's Syndrome and damn if he does not have just about every single symptom.  Wouldn't it be nice to go to a support group?  But oh my God no he says, and oh my God no says the therapist.  FUCK THEM BOTH.  I am trash - litter in the gutter.  The byproduct of something that has been chewed up and spit out.  That is how I feel, and that is what I feel my worth is.

He does not want to change and neither do I.  Actually, right now, I am just not capable.

So many emotions and it feels I cannot let them out.  I am not allowed to have them, and how dare I have them.

If I lived alone, at least I would have a reason for feeling lonely.  At least I would have a reason for having no one who understood or at least attempt to talk to.  It seems worse when there is someone here and I feel all of those things but yet I can not say anything.

Like I have to push it all down, like it is wrong for feeling anything.

I do not think I can deal with it.  I do not think I want to.  I do not care that can not deal with or nor do not want to.

I want the color to come back.  Right now, I long for it.  Yes, I can sit here and think the same thought that comes with it, but somehow it isn't quite the same.  Not exactly, not as calming.  That is really crazy, right?

I Am Processing It...

I feel much better today, but I did take two Adderall, and for some reason that really affects my mood.  I still have 14 overdue wreaths, but I started with 28 when my ecommerce site delisted my items.  It was a totally positive thing, even though I had already closed my shop.

My therapist/psychiatrist fit me in for a therapy appointment last week, I think Friday?  It was a much tougher appointment than I have had in a very long time - many years at least.  I wish I understood myself better, why some things are harder to talk about or even think about.  Why?

I was basically freaking out over my anxiety, it feels so physically painful, it seemed like it had graduated from anxiety to one big, long anxiety attack (is there a difference?  I have no clue).  Let's just say much worse.  When I went in to talk to her, I was unsure what to say, what was causing it.

Yes, the election is causing everyone in the country anxiety, and I would imagine many have anxiety a million times worse than I do over it.  When I was in her office, I had already resigned myself to not caring.  What was the point?  Apparently we are to believe the world is going to end somehow no matter who is elected.

As my college government teacher once answered a "what if" question of mine once, "It is moot".  I had to look that up!  He did not answer my question because....whatever I had asked himhad never happened before so there was no reason to speculate.

I still use the word "moot" to this day - just to my husband in jest, but it does seem like an incredibly rude answer to someone's question.

She asked me to list some things on my mind, so I did, since I was unsure what was causing my anxiety.  Then she asked me to pick one of them to talk about.

So I picked the suicide.  That was the one I KNEW I NEEDED to talk about and figure out.

I won't go into every detail as I am so horrible about doing.  I said, she said, then..  But I could not get started talking about it.  She found a way for me to feel less vulnerable and I took a deep breath and just started.

She said during the time I was talking, she could not keep count of how many times I said things like "I shouldn't feel this way", "I can't feel this way", "it is wrong to feel this way", etc., etc.

So...right now, my "homework" is to allow myself to feel, but that is quite overwhelming, she never said it wouldn't be.  What I am to say to myself (she told me to choose something to say to myself), when I find myself thinking or saying I can't/shouldn't, etc., to tell myself it is okay how I feel, and that I am processing it.  (I chose processing it - I had been researching the different ways people process grief, so it was fresh on my mind).  Also, it did not seem as scary.

I think the whole idea is simply not to get upset or feel guilty when I feel something, and whatever it is and for whatever reason, it makes me upset at myself.  She said  somehow I learned - maybe someone had told me I could not or should not feel or feel a certain way.  I guess, I do not know.

I do know that yes, I constantly do that.  Just ALLOWING myself to feel and not berate myself and feel guilty, it is a relief, yet it is not always possible and not always comfortable.

This is new to me, so it is hard to explain.

One other thing - she pointed out, and I can see now that a big part of my anxiety is also that, since I found out my friend had the exact same disorders that I do, that I will end up just like him.

Okay, I will end there.  Don't really have any details to into about that.  I mean, I could, right?  I am not perfect on my medications.  Just NOW I realized, duh, I took two Adderall today, I wrote that at the top of my blog.  He was weaning himself off of his medications, or so his mother said, I don't know, her last email made me a bit mad regarding her views of mental illness and medication.

I am just now sitting here thinking about all of the ragging I get about my medication.  I take too much of this and run out too early, or I decide I do not like this, but I ALWAYS tell my doctor and I do not just stop taking something.  I have never just stopped going to the doctor.  I take their damned advice.

Just once, just for one GD time, can someone say....good job for trying?  You know, it is a difficult disease, you deserve a pat on the back for not giving up and really....never going a single day without any medication.

Is it SO hard to give me a compliment than bitch at me always?  I am really really sick of that.

Grief = Anxiety?

After writing my post yesterday, even though I did not want to feel any grief or really anything, it did get me to thinking about the grieving process of losing someone to suicide.

I started wondering if my anxiety went from bad to unbearable about the same time I found out about his death, or even if it had gotten worse at all.  I asked my husband about it.  He did say definitely it had gotten a lot worse, and the timeline sounded right - it was about the same time my anxiety increased.  He said he thought that I had been upset that because I had told him I found out that my friend and I had exactly the same mental disorders, that I would end up the same as him.  I will say that sure, it has put a new awareness on it.

I have done a bit of research, and of course I have always heard everyone grieves differently, but I did find anxiety, panic attacks, PTSD, among other things as symptoms of grieving - I would assume for all types of grieving but I looked specifically for those grieving over losing someone to suicide.

And it did talk about how much more difficult it is to grieve and get over losing someone that way and talked about all of the confusing emotions.  I am not trying to say that losing someone is not hard, or I am going through a worse time, hardly!  This was a friend - one I had known for a long time, but not a parent or a child, or even my dog.  My dog absolutely has to live forever because I will not be able to deal with him leaving me.

I must have sent my therapist/psychiatrist a trillion texts yesterday, and then again today.  I have an appointment this afternoon to see her.

I DO feel like I am in an emotional crisis.  A big one.  Does that sound dramatic?  I would bet it sounds like I am in every single one of my posts, but I am probably simply venting or documenting something, not to say I do not have strong emotions at the time.

This is different.  I have hit a brick wall and do not know where to turn, do not even know where to get the directions to get out of it.  I do not even know for sure what the trigger was that got me here.

I keep guessing, but how do I know for sure?  And if I do now know, my therapist can't tell me, right?


Just...I Don't Know. Interpret As You Will

Right now, it just seems like no one understands me, no one else is going through what I am.  I guess I am just really weird, and all alone in how I feel and what I think.

Seriously?  No one else gets anxious from these horrible political accusations, commercials, doom and gloom messages? The media is the absolute WORST!  They make it sound even worse than the candidates, but at least it is missing the sinister tones that flip my stomach over and over.

I guess people are for one candidate or the other, and they are only anxious about their candidate not winning or what is being said about them.  Yes, I was that way for awhile until I realized it just did not matter.  Not that my vote doesn't count, but accusations and investigations and insults - we may never know the truth and I get so wrapped up in that.  Maybe that is part of the anxiety.  What if that is true?  What if that is NOT true?  What if, what if, what if.

Maybe no one understands that anxiety can be debilitating.  Sure, the election, but that is not all.  I also have overdue wreaths,, and while just yesterday the ecommerce site where my shop is promoted said I was doing a great job getting out my overdue wreaths and hoped my listings could be reinstated so my beautiful Christmas wreaths would be available (not my words), it seemed to add more pressure, more stress, more anxiety.  Maybe I do not want to hear I have done a good job.

My psychiatrist wants to work with me on that.  She says I am too hard on myself, I do not praise myself when I have done something right or good, I constantly say horrible things to myself about myself.  I argued with her about it, until she started pointing out when I was doing it.  I do not like being complimented, there is nothing to compliment.  I cannot feel good about x number of wreaths created in a day, because I still have x number of wreaths that are overdue.  No matter how many I create, I am still a failure.  Over and over, day after day.

So sure, maybe I have or will be at the point of "this isn't worth it!" if I tell myself I am always a failure.  Yet at the same time, knowing that, I *am* always a failure.

But who else feels that way?  Is it a female thing?  Is it a "someone who is fucked up in the head" thing?

Another thing that is on my mind.  I thought I had written a more revealing post about my friend who committed suicide, but realized I had not finished it and it still in draft mode.   But that is not what I was going to say.

He had my exact disorders (I found out after his passing) - bipolar disorder and anxiety disorder.  And...he committed suicide.  Reminds me that those of us with this disease are "high risk" for suicide.  I still find it hard to believe - 20% of those who have bipolar disorder, or one in five, commit suicide, I mean really?

I do not mean to take the focus off of my friend, and trust me, he has way too much of my focus than I would like, but what would make me special to not be in the 1 in 5?

It also makes me wonder...what does my psychiatrist think my chances are down the road?  Does she already think I am a lost case?

I do believe in God.  My friend did not.  I do not know how much or if that even has any effect when you are in THAT much pain, that much mental torture, your brain lying to you to such a huge extent.

I did learn something from this.  The whole grieving process is so much harder when someone takes their life.  I am so confused, so much guilt, seems like I have a lot I should have said, but is it because he took his life?  In that case, I do not think it would have mattered.

I cannot grieve, not yet.  Memories come out of nowhere.  Dreams more nights than not.  And I realize...he was the only one who shared these very special memories with me, but now he is gone, and I am left with those memories alone, and they are lonely.

Yet I cannot grieve, I do not allow myself, and I do not cry about it.  But why is that a NECESSITY?  Who says?

This is a song, however bizarre it may have seemed at the time, that we both liked and played often.  Sure, NOW it makes sense why we both liked it, but back then I thought it was a strange song that for some reason we connected to it - I assumed it was the tune, but not sure I even like the tune.

Later, when he was alive and before I knew he had bipolar disorder, I realized it described to me a lot about how the disease worked - the depression side.  It never occurred to me that he already knew it.

I am sure not everyone has a taste for Nine Inch Nails, but in case anyone is curious about the lyrics and why I think it describes how bipolar disorder is or feels, I have pasted them below.

I could write a whole post about NIN, their songs, and how we listened to them over and over.  I have purposely not listened to them in years because it was never my thing alone.

To me though, the song does not make much sense reading the lyrics without also listening to the song, however much someone might despise NIN.  It is not necessarily the tune but the way the lyrics are said.  The pauses, etc.  It is more than just reading words, does that make sense?  Wow, I think it has made a bigger impact on me than I want to believe it has at this moment.

It is weird to think this was "our song"?  Not really, yet there were not many conversations we had where he did not bring up one of the lyrics to this song.  I can't recall ever doing it as well though.  It would have been weird to me if I had.

I do not like writing about this - talking about it is a million times worse.  This whole thing thing needs to go away and disappear from my mind FOREVER.  Him, time, my emotions, the world, life, you know what?  I am not dealing well right now.

MAKE IT ALL GO AWAY!  I want everything in my head, every thought, every memory, every want, every pleasure, every pain, anything, I want it all gone.  I want an empty head and fresh start.

Anyways, here is the song as promised, lyrics below the video, and by promising I made the promise to myself as well, I do not KNOW WHY!  Why am I mad?  I hate myself for feeling ANYTHING!!!   But that is the thing - when I do feel, and I am not allowing myself to at this moment, I feel TOO MUCH, and that is simply not an option I will allow right now.

It cannot and I will not let it happen.  I will not grieve, I will not be sad, there is no reason to be.  The past is in the past and so it shall stay.

I am going to reread this eventually, probably easily analyze it and think I am such an idiot, why didn't I just do this and that, etc.  Fine, whatever.  At least it will not be today.  F*ck today.

Anger is a better emotion right now than any other I can think of.  Right now, the only emotion that seems acceptable, yet unreasonable, is anger.  I will gladly take it for now, but not towards anyone but myself.  I am the only one who deserves my anger.  And I do, I really, really do.

You know what?  I think I really, really hate myself.  And it it so well deserved.  I am not a bad person, just a failure at life with no purpose or reason for being.

Down in It
Kinda like a cloud I was up way up in the sky
And I was feeling some feelings you wouldn't believe
Sometimes I don't believe them myself
And I decided I was never coming down
Just then a tiny little dot caught my eye
It was just about too small to see
But I watched it way too long
That dot was pulling me down
I was up above it
I was up above it
I was up above it
I was up above it
Now I'm down in it
Shut up
So what what does it matter now
I was swimming in the hate now I crawl on the ground
And everything I never liked about you
Is kind of seeping into me
I try to laugh about it now but isn't it funny how everything works out
I guess the jokes on me, she said
I was up above it
I was up above it
I was up above it
I was up above it
I used to be so big and strong
I used to know my right from wrong
I used to never be afraid
I used to be somebody
I used to have something inside
Now just this hole it's open wide
Used to want it all
I used to be somebody
I'll cross my heart and hope to die
But the needle's already in my eye
And all the world's weight is on my back and I don't even know why.
And what I used to think was me is just a fading memory
I looked him right in the eye and said goodbye
I was up above it
I was up above it
I was up above it
I was up above it
Now I'm down in it
I was up above it
I was up above it
Now I'm down in it
Rain rain go away
Come again some other day
Rain rain go away
Come again some other day
Rain rain go away
Come again some other day
Rain rain go away
Come again some other day
I was up above it
I was up above it
I was up above it
I was up above it
Now I'm down in it

Election Anxiety - Feel Like I Will Vomit

It is Thursday, November 3rd, 5 days from the presidential election.  I cannot avoid the ads that come without warning on television, the news articles when I just want to check the weather, it is everywhere, the autoplay videos.

The "doom and gloom" messages from the candidates - not only what they are saying but mostly the WAY they are saying it makes me so, so anxious.  I do not mean garden variety anxiety, which is still awful.  I am talking about a Hillary commercial out of the blue when I am watching Cubbie news (I am in Illinois, so yes, it will most likely be Hillary but it does not matter which candidate), and I pause the tv as soon as I recognize it, but that is enough.

It is SO bad, I literally feel like I will vomit at any moment.  That gagging reflex starts right before you throw up but I do not actually do it.  I do experience what *I* consider to be a high amount of anxiety on a consistent basis, but this is really, really bad even for me.

My anxiety medication simply is just not enough, not for this level of anxiety.

I sent my psychiatrist a text - okay, a series of long texts.  Anxiety does that to me.  Anyway, she actually said that it is common right now, many people are experiencing extreme anxiety over the election.  She said if the election was not on Tuesday, she would be more concerned, but after Tuesday hopefully I will feel better.

I did my own research, because I thought I was the only one, and lo and behold, found this:

American Psychological Association - 2016 Election Stress

Over 50% of Americans (back in the beginning of October) was experiencing somewhat or very significant stress over the election.  And I am assuming these are "NORMAL" people (meaning they do not have anxiety disorders).

OMG - AGAIN with Trump and Hillary on TV?  My stomach is now in my throat.

So...guess I will suffer until Tuesday (or Wednesday morning), and cross my fingers it goes away.

I am doing what I can, but I can't exactly sit in the closet with the door shut and lights off until then.  Try to avoid it completely?  You can't, and I am really trying but it seems impossible.  I was dumb enough to think that living in the Chicago 'burbs I could actually watch the local news today - the day after the Cubbies won the World Series.  And yes, that is pretty much all they talk about, but then suddenly they cut away to Trump and Hillary, of course without warning.

I have wreaths to make, things to do, and I sit here, after taking klonipin, feeling like I am going to vomit from anxiety.  It is simply torture.

WHY?  WHY do they have to use scare tactics?  Why do they have to try to make us believe the world will end - or the country is doomed - if the other candidate wins?  I should not buy into it, yet at the same time, both are pretty damned evil in my opinion.

I do not mean to offend anyone, but maybe that contributes to my anxiety.  Both are awful, despicable people.  I *do* feel like the country will go to hell in a hand basket no matter who is elected.  I do pretty much believe the horrible things both of them say about the other.  A lot of it, on both sides, is even documented, they are not simply lies made up to smear the other candidate.

Or maybe that is my anxiety talking to me in my head, who knows what to believe, what I should believe, what is real, what is not.  How do the American people even know what to believe?  They may believe one thing, only to find out later it is not true, and that is my whole thing.  I am a cynic about 100% of everything I hear and see, it makes me mad, but mostly, it makes me feel so sick and anxious.

I will be okay if I can keep my mind off of it.  I will do my best.  I do have a personal twitter account (aside from my business) and deleted any accounts at all remotely political, even the weather account.  Removed anything remotely political from facebook, unfollowed anyone that I have not already unfollowed on facebook that even might say anything vaguely political.  The election is only a few days away anyway.  But some people I unfollowed so long ago because of the election, I may forget to follow them back.  I guess if I do not remember, they are not so important to me anyway.

I will stick to streaming tv shows and movies without commercials, stay away from news websites, but you know.  I DO get curious.  I will want to look at the polls.  I will want to check up on the FBI probe.

However, my mental health has to come first.  This is positive self talk by the way - things I am HOPING to do, I am not perfect, this is my creating a plan, and I think externally.  I hope to stick to it, but I do not know - I will do my best is all I can say.

For my mental health, would it be better if I did not vote?  Ugh there goes the flip flop of my stomach.  Back to feeling like I am going to vomit.

I paused the tv, it showing both of them.  Hillary with her smile and thumbs up, Trump and his hat.  I can only imagine what they are saying.  Whatever it is, I know it goes right to the heart of my illness.
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