I started wondering if my anxiety went from bad to unbearable about the same time I found out about his death, or even if it had gotten worse at all. I asked my husband about it. He did say definitely it had gotten a lot worse, and the timeline sounded right - it was about the same time my anxiety increased. He said he thought that I had been upset that because I had told him I found out that my friend and I had exactly the same mental disorders, that I would end up the same as him. I will say that sure, it has put a new awareness on it.
I have done a bit of research, and of course I have always heard everyone grieves differently, but I did find anxiety, panic attacks, PTSD, among other things as symptoms of grieving - I would assume for all types of grieving but I looked specifically for those grieving over losing someone to suicide.
And it did talk about how much more difficult it is to grieve and get over losing someone that way and talked about all of the confusing emotions. I am not trying to say that losing someone is not hard, or I am going through a worse time, hardly! This was a friend - one I had known for a long time, but not a parent or a child, or even my dog. My dog absolutely has to live forever because I will not be able to deal with him leaving me.
I must have sent my therapist/psychiatrist a trillion texts yesterday, and then again today. I have an appointment this afternoon to see her.
I DO feel like I am in an emotional crisis. A big one. Does that sound dramatic? I would bet it sounds like I am in every single one of my posts, but I am probably simply venting or documenting something, not to say I do not have strong emotions at the time.
This is different. I have hit a brick wall and do not know where to turn, do not even know where to get the directions to get out of it. I do not even know for sure what the trigger was that got me here.
I keep guessing, but how do I know for sure? And if I do now know, my therapist can't tell me, right?