I Am Processing It...

I feel much better today, but I did take two Adderall, and for some reason that really affects my mood.  I still have 14 overdue wreaths, but I started with 28 when my ecommerce site delisted my items.  It was a totally positive thing, even though I had already closed my shop.

My therapist/psychiatrist fit me in for a therapy appointment last week, I think Friday?  It was a much tougher appointment than I have had in a very long time - many years at least.  I wish I understood myself better, why some things are harder to talk about or even think about.  Why?

I was basically freaking out over my anxiety, it feels so physically painful, it seemed like it had graduated from anxiety to one big, long anxiety attack (is there a difference?  I have no clue).  Let's just say much worse.  When I went in to talk to her, I was unsure what to say, what was causing it.

Yes, the election is causing everyone in the country anxiety, and I would imagine many have anxiety a million times worse than I do over it.  When I was in her office, I had already resigned myself to not caring.  What was the point?  Apparently we are to believe the world is going to end somehow no matter who is elected.

As my college government teacher once answered a "what if" question of mine once, "It is moot".  I had to look that up!  He did not answer my question because....whatever I had asked himhad never happened before so there was no reason to speculate.

I still use the word "moot" to this day - just to my husband in jest, but it does seem like an incredibly rude answer to someone's question.

She asked me to list some things on my mind, so I did, since I was unsure what was causing my anxiety.  Then she asked me to pick one of them to talk about.

So I picked the suicide.  That was the one I KNEW I NEEDED to talk about and figure out.

I won't go into every detail as I am so horrible about doing.  I said, she said, then..  But I could not get started talking about it.  She found a way for me to feel less vulnerable and I took a deep breath and just started.

She said during the time I was talking, she could not keep count of how many times I said things like "I shouldn't feel this way", "I can't feel this way", "it is wrong to feel this way", etc., etc.

So...right now, my "homework" is to allow myself to feel, but that is quite overwhelming, she never said it wouldn't be.  What I am to say to myself (she told me to choose something to say to myself), when I find myself thinking or saying I can't/shouldn't, etc., to tell myself it is okay how I feel, and that I am processing it.  (I chose processing it - I had been researching the different ways people process grief, so it was fresh on my mind).  Also, it did not seem as scary.

I think the whole idea is simply not to get upset or feel guilty when I feel something, and whatever it is and for whatever reason, it makes me upset at myself.  She said  somehow I learned - maybe someone had told me I could not or should not feel or feel a certain way.  I guess, I do not know.

I do know that yes, I constantly do that.  Just ALLOWING myself to feel and not berate myself and feel guilty, it is a relief, yet it is not always possible and not always comfortable.

This is new to me, so it is hard to explain.

One other thing - she pointed out, and I can see now that a big part of my anxiety is also that, since I found out my friend had the exact same disorders that I do, that I will end up just like him.

Okay, I will end there.  Don't really have any details to into about that.  I mean, I could, right?  I am not perfect on my medications.  Just NOW I realized, duh, I took two Adderall today, I wrote that at the top of my blog.  He was weaning himself off of his medications, or so his mother said, I don't know, her last email made me a bit mad regarding her views of mental illness and medication.

I am just now sitting here thinking about all of the ragging I get about my medication.  I take too much of this and run out too early, or I decide I do not like this, but I ALWAYS tell my doctor and I do not just stop taking something.  I have never just stopped going to the doctor.  I take their damned advice.

Just once, just for one GD time, can someone say....good job for trying?  You know, it is a difficult disease, you deserve a pat on the back for not giving up and really....never going a single day without any medication.

Is it SO hard to give me a compliment than bitch at me always?  I am really really sick of that.

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