Just...I Don't Know. Interpret As You Will

Right now, it just seems like no one understands me, no one else is going through what I am.  I guess I am just really weird, and all alone in how I feel and what I think.

Seriously?  No one else gets anxious from these horrible political accusations, commercials, doom and gloom messages? The media is the absolute WORST!  They make it sound even worse than the candidates, but at least it is missing the sinister tones that flip my stomach over and over.

I guess people are for one candidate or the other, and they are only anxious about their candidate not winning or what is being said about them.  Yes, I was that way for awhile until I realized it just did not matter.  Not that my vote doesn't count, but accusations and investigations and insults - we may never know the truth and I get so wrapped up in that.  Maybe that is part of the anxiety.  What if that is true?  What if that is NOT true?  What if, what if, what if.

Maybe no one understands that anxiety can be debilitating.  Sure, the election, but that is not all.  I also have overdue wreaths,, and while just yesterday the ecommerce site where my shop is promoted said I was doing a great job getting out my overdue wreaths and hoped my listings could be reinstated so my beautiful Christmas wreaths would be available (not my words), it seemed to add more pressure, more stress, more anxiety.  Maybe I do not want to hear I have done a good job.

My psychiatrist wants to work with me on that.  She says I am too hard on myself, I do not praise myself when I have done something right or good, I constantly say horrible things to myself about myself.  I argued with her about it, until she started pointing out when I was doing it.  I do not like being complimented, there is nothing to compliment.  I cannot feel good about x number of wreaths created in a day, because I still have x number of wreaths that are overdue.  No matter how many I create, I am still a failure.  Over and over, day after day.

So sure, maybe I have or will be at the point of "this isn't worth it!" if I tell myself I am always a failure.  Yet at the same time, knowing that, I *am* always a failure.

But who else feels that way?  Is it a female thing?  Is it a "someone who is fucked up in the head" thing?

Another thing that is on my mind.  I thought I had written a more revealing post about my friend who committed suicide, but realized I had not finished it and it still in draft mode.   But that is not what I was going to say.

He had my exact disorders (I found out after his passing) - bipolar disorder and anxiety disorder.  And...he committed suicide.  Reminds me that those of us with this disease are "high risk" for suicide.  I still find it hard to believe - 20% of those who have bipolar disorder, or one in five, commit suicide, I mean really?

I do not mean to take the focus off of my friend, and trust me, he has way too much of my focus than I would like, but what would make me special to not be in the 1 in 5?

It also makes me wonder...what does my psychiatrist think my chances are down the road?  Does she already think I am a lost case?

I do believe in God.  My friend did not.  I do not know how much or if that even has any effect when you are in THAT much pain, that much mental torture, your brain lying to you to such a huge extent.

I did learn something from this.  The whole grieving process is so much harder when someone takes their life.  I am so confused, so much guilt, seems like I have a lot I should have said, but is it because he took his life?  In that case, I do not think it would have mattered.

I cannot grieve, not yet.  Memories come out of nowhere.  Dreams more nights than not.  And I realize...he was the only one who shared these very special memories with me, but now he is gone, and I am left with those memories alone, and they are lonely.

Yet I cannot grieve, I do not allow myself, and I do not cry about it.  But why is that a NECESSITY?  Who says?

This is a song, however bizarre it may have seemed at the time, that we both liked and played often.  Sure, NOW it makes sense why we both liked it, but back then I thought it was a strange song that for some reason we connected to it - I assumed it was the tune, but not sure I even like the tune.

Later, when he was alive and before I knew he had bipolar disorder, I realized it described to me a lot about how the disease worked - the depression side.  It never occurred to me that he already knew it.

I am sure not everyone has a taste for Nine Inch Nails, but in case anyone is curious about the lyrics and why I think it describes how bipolar disorder is or feels, I have pasted them below.

I could write a whole post about NIN, their songs, and how we listened to them over and over.  I have purposely not listened to them in years because it was never my thing alone.

To me though, the song does not make much sense reading the lyrics without also listening to the song, however much someone might despise NIN.  It is not necessarily the tune but the way the lyrics are said.  The pauses, etc.  It is more than just reading words, does that make sense?  Wow, I think it has made a bigger impact on me than I want to believe it has at this moment.

It is weird to think this was "our song"?  Not really, yet there were not many conversations we had where he did not bring up one of the lyrics to this song.  I can't recall ever doing it as well though.  It would have been weird to me if I had.

I do not like writing about this - talking about it is a million times worse.  This whole thing thing needs to go away and disappear from my mind FOREVER.  Him, time, my emotions, the world, life, you know what?  I am not dealing well right now.

MAKE IT ALL GO AWAY!  I want everything in my head, every thought, every memory, every want, every pleasure, every pain, anything, I want it all gone.  I want an empty head and fresh start.

Anyways, here is the song as promised, lyrics below the video, and by promising I made the promise to myself as well, I do not KNOW WHY!  Why am I mad?  I hate myself for feeling ANYTHING!!!   But that is the thing - when I do feel, and I am not allowing myself to at this moment, I feel TOO MUCH, and that is simply not an option I will allow right now.

It cannot and I will not let it happen.  I will not grieve, I will not be sad, there is no reason to be.  The past is in the past and so it shall stay.

I am going to reread this eventually, probably easily analyze it and think I am such an idiot, why didn't I just do this and that, etc.  Fine, whatever.  At least it will not be today.  F*ck today.

Anger is a better emotion right now than any other I can think of.  Right now, the only emotion that seems acceptable, yet unreasonable, is anger.  I will gladly take it for now, but not towards anyone but myself.  I am the only one who deserves my anger.  And I do, I really, really do.

You know what?  I think I really, really hate myself.  And it it so well deserved.  I am not a bad person, just a failure at life with no purpose or reason for being.







Down in It
Kinda like a cloud I was up way up in the sky
And I was feeling some feelings you wouldn't believe
Sometimes I don't believe them myself
And I decided I was never coming down
Just then a tiny little dot caught my eye
It was just about too small to see
But I watched it way too long
That dot was pulling me down
I was up above it
I was up above it
I was up above it
I was up above it
Now I'm down in it
Shut up
So what what does it matter now
I was swimming in the hate now I crawl on the ground
And everything I never liked about you
Is kind of seeping into me
I try to laugh about it now but isn't it funny how everything works out
I guess the jokes on me, she said
I was up above it
I was up above it
I was up above it
I was up above it
I used to be so big and strong
I used to know my right from wrong
I used to never be afraid
I used to be somebody
I used to have something inside
Now just this hole it's open wide
Used to want it all
I used to be somebody
I'll cross my heart and hope to die
But the needle's already in my eye
And all the world's weight is on my back and I don't even know why.
And what I used to think was me is just a fading memory
I looked him right in the eye and said goodbye
I was up above it
I was up above it
I was up above it
I was up above it
Now I'm down in it
I was up above it
I was up above it
Now I'm down in it
Rain rain go away
Come again some other day
Rain rain go away
Come again some other day
Rain rain go away
Come again some other day
Rain rain go away
Come again some other day
I was up above it
I was up above it
I was up above it
I was up above it
Now I'm down in it




























2 comments:

Ela Kaimo said...

I hope you are feeling better, dear.

Kansas Sunflower said...

Thank you so much Ela!

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