Too Much Latuda = Weird Suicidal Thoughts

When I went to my psychiatrist last week, I told her about my strange thoughts.  I was thinking a lot about suicide, but the thoughts seemed to have started not in my mind, but somehow outside of my mind, as a color.  I found it hard to describe and probably went on a bit too much trying to describe it as best I could but it really was strange.

I used to think in music, for a very long time.  For someone who thinks in numbers or has never thought about how they think besides an internal conversation - if there is one or they are aware of one, I often wonder what goes through their mind - how do they think?  Like I said, for me, for years and years, it was always music.  That was so tiringly overly emotional.  I would wake up with a song in my head for no apparent reason and it would last for days on end.  I have blogged way too much about it.  But now I think in colors.  It is too hard to explain, or maybe I do not have the energy right now to explain.

Anyway!  Two weeks before that appointment, she had increased my Latuda from 40 (mg?) to 60.  I would have to get up and see if the measurement is in mg but surely it is. After describing the beginning of the thoughts, she said what I described, the thoughts coming from outside of myself, as being the warning signs of what is described when anti-depressants are labelled "may cause suicidal thoughts", or whatever that warning is.  Yes, of course I have heard about teenagers having that problem, but me?

She said to go back to my previous dosage of Latuda as it was too high and then added the new medication.  She also did not seem to like that I had mentioned I "thought it colors", or maybe that was my perception, but she did say something about it.  I could be incorrect what she was referencing.  But doesn't everybody think in some terms of something?  Sure - thinking in music or colors must be weird to many, but thinking in numbers for instance, as many people have told me when I have asked "how they think" (which I realize is a strange thing to ask and people and confused by the question in general), they say counting things as they do them, that is really weird to ME.  My husband takes "thinking in numbers" WAAAAY beyond that, to a place I cannot possibly understand - equations I will never be able to do, let alone think in my own mind creatively.  He believes EVERYTHING is a number, but just because I do not understand it does not mean it is not okay he thinks in that way.  It is just that my brain is simply not tapped in that way, ever, really unless there is a need.

I must tire people out asking them the weird questions that I do, but to me, they are important in learning about myself and them.  I have only been asked by one person, ever, "how do you think?".  I can imagine a majority of people have never been asked that, and perhaps have never considered it?

When my psychiatrist said the thoughts I had were most likely coming from too much Latuda, I completely skipped taking it that night, hoping to get the levels down in my blood.  I only skipped one night though, so doubtful it did much besides easing my mind - not literally, but the bit of panic I had when hearing that.

However, the thoughts are gone, strangely enough.  Could they really go away that quickly?  I find that hard to believe.  The "thoughts outside of myself" had already subsided once I recognized them and thought about how strange it came to me as a color and had just become wishful thinking and wanting.  But now...nothing.  Those awful thoughts are gone.

When we went to marriage counseling, my old therapist that I used to see in individual counseling did help quite a bit with my stress and anxiety about the orders I have that are so late and am unsure that I can have done in time.  I was convinced that could not get them done in time but now....I see I need to make them and simply get done what I can.

She helped me realize my problem, by simply asking me.  I never really thought about it.  When I start making a wreath, I start getting crazy anxiety thinking about all of the OTHERS I need to make, so much that I need to take anxiety medication, but the anxiety keeps getting worse.  I work until the anxiety is absolutely unbearable which isn't long.

Wow, just thinking about it and I feel anxious and not sure if I even want to write more about it.  She suggested I make myself comfortable, find a show/movie, anything that I enjoy watching, and concentrate on that one wreath.  Ha, sounds too easy, right?  But she said really concentrate on that one wreath, watching what I enjoy, and block out the "noise", not to think about the others I need to do.

On one hand, sounds simple enough.  But on the other, I have not allowed myself to do that.  There were a few more suggestions, but that was the biggest and I will at least try.

Maybe I said I do not "think" in music any longer - not sure, what is not thinking in music really mean?  I had thought that way for so long, perhaps it is just muted quite a bit now.

I heard this song today that I have not heard in so long.  It is a song that used to make me happy.  It was before satellite radio (I think), so I had no idea who sang it, the name of it, anything.  It was on the radio quite a bit, but if they said the band name or title, I kept missing it - for weeks!  The few lyrics I knew I would use the internet to search, and find nothing.  Not sure how I finally figured it out, but obviously I did.

OH!  Hands Down by Dashboard Confessionals

The best part?  The words blissfully mean nothing to me except they make me happy. : )  So rare in a song I like.

Okay so...when looking for the song to post, I could not post the video they made from youtube, so the next best choice was the song with the lyrics.  I watched it, and DAMN if I do now remember what drew me in to this song.  I'm actually a bit crushed.

I remember thinking about a certain part of the song towards the beginning that he says and thinking...he's right, wouldn't that be perfect?  This was way before I went to the psych ward even.

That is not the only reason I like this song - I had totally forgotten about it.  It DOES make me happy, and it is a happy song, period.

I realize no one listens to my songs, but I do on the rare occasions I go back and read through my blog. : )  Songs help me with what I was thinking at a particular time - so it needs to be a part of my blog.

Wow, a bombshell for me right now.  LOVE this song.  I hope I forget that part again.

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