Trying My Best

In thinking back to that first Vraylar dosage, I do not think I considered everything that happened after I took it.

I remember *perhaps* feeling quite relaxed after I took it, but I had a nagging headache, a different kind of headache than one of my thousand types of "regular" headaches I get daily it seems.  I was actually so relaxed and a bit sleepy that I had laid in bed.

I am not exactly sure how long that lasted, but I do remember thinking I would feel better if that headache went away.  I had tried everything, as I usually do.  The regulars - Advil, Naproxen and Excedrin Migraine and had waited.  Nothing.

So this is what I think was a horrible mistake.  And I mean it could have been really, really horrible.  I took perhaps 1/4 - 1/3 of an Imitrex, which normally does not have a good reaction anyway.  It seems like shortly after that is when I had all of those crazy thoughts, nausea - all of that which I wrote in my last post.

I took my first dose of Vraylar on Thursday on the dumbest time possible - the middle of the afternoon and had terrible insomnia.

I am so worried that I am making a mistake and will go through the same horrendous side effects, but I plan to give Vraylar another chance tomorrow.

However, I am so scared of the side effects, and they were truly horrendous yet I am pretty convinced the Imitrex was a big part of those, that I am going to open the capsule of the 1.5 mg starter dose and half the dosage.

I doubt that will make it a therapeutic dose, but that is completely beside the point.  If this medication in fact has these horrible side effects, there is no way I can take it.  I am going to try it again, and one half of the tablet should be enough to trigger the side effects but not in full force - I HOPE.

If no side effects are triggered (although I will not be surprised if I get an f-ing headache - sorry about the language but I cannot stress enough how much I hate having one pretty much every day of my life - then I will know it was the Imitrex.  I will not be surprised if indeed the Imitrex caused horrible problems because it just does without an unknown medication.

I have to give it a fair shot before telling my psychiatrist no.  There was a time when I would tell my psychiatrist in Dallas - not only no but HELL no already.  But right now, I do not feel that I have given it a fair shake.

So what is going right at this moment?  I am keeping it together.  AT THIS MOMENT.

I got a letter in the mail today - from an attorney that has been assigned to me from my auto insurance I had when I had the bad wreck in case we go to trial.  That is such a HUGE trigger for me.  I did not even read the entire thing before I fell apart.  BUT.  It did not last long - maybe 5 minutes?  I then went back and got the letter, looked up the attorney and found that there was no way I could have found someone as qualified on my own, nor probably afforded them as well.  That helped.  I cannot control this, I never could have.  But it does say there may be questions that need answered, depositions I will have to do, and of course, maybe a trial.  Okay, when I wrote a trial, my stomach jumped into my throat and I questioned if I was going to vomit.

But.  I got through it.  I am not still freaking out.  I am not a basket case.  I am dealing.  Maybe I just want it over with now.

My wreaths.  WAY behind.  Lots of anxiety.  Someone opened another case, and I refunded their money and responded.  All I can do is my best.  I am where I am.  There is nothing more I can do at this point.

I responded to customers inquiring about their orders.  I gave them the info they requested, and if appropriate, I also offered a refund.  I have no money in my work account, I am having to transfer from our joint account.  I think this is making Mark pretty unhappy but he has not commented about it yet.

Today is today, and this is how I feel.  Tomorrow is tomorrow and I have no clue how I will feel then.  NO CLUE.

Is this part of being bipolar?  Not trusting how you will feel from day to day?  Not knowing how you will feel, who you will be tomorrow?  Will I be strong?  Will I be crying all day?  Will I be focused and working hard?  Will I be angry?  Will I be laying in bed and not able to get up all day?

This is where I am right now.  I want to be dependable, if to no one else, to myself.  I want to know that I will be okay emotionally.

Right now, I do not know that.  I do not trust myself.

I feel one way, then not too much later, I feel another.  So I will text my psychiatrist one thing, see her the next day, and I might feel another, and it is so confusing to me.

From the description of Vraylar, I think she thinks I am in a "mixed state".

Is THIS what being in a mixed state is like?  If so, it SUCKS!

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