Better - This Morning.

I am actually surprised how many people I have that truly do care about me when something bad does happen.  I did not tell many people about my mother, really just the people I felt was necessary, but the kind words and concern was and is so nice and kind, and absolutely was not necessary for anyone to do.  No one was required to tell others or contact me directly to say they were sorry, that they cared, make sure I was okay, asked if there was anything they could do.

It makes reasons I've had issues with anyone seem so petty.  Sure, some issues are bigger than others, and there are still things that are not in my control to mend.

I wonder how often my own emotions are driven by my own insecurities.

Such a kind outpouring by relatives, and I have not spoken to those I would have expected not to have spoken to, and that is okay.  I actually have no idea how to even contact them, like my brother, although I am sure I could figure it out.  However, I am not looking for drama right now.  

I think my aunt, on my dad's side, was the only one who seemed to not really question that I was going to be at my mother's funeral.  She had left a message saying we could stay with her and a number of other very generous things.  I could not talk to her, they are hard to talk to on the phone, so I sent a text last night that I did not believe I would be going.  ,

I told her there would be people there that would rather not see me, I had not seen my mother since I was 18, per her choice, and it would be too traumatic.  I do not know if she understands but does she need to?  It does not change our relationship at all as far as I know.

I do feel a lot better, so far, today.  I have done normal things since I have gotten up (it is almost 10 am), I am not weepy, and I feel good.

Will I stay this way?  I imagine not, I am sure it will be an up and down process and the worst may be ahead.  I am unsure if anyone can tell me what to expect, if I will fall apart in the future - tomorrow, in a year, ever.  I hope I do not.  I remember with my Dad, I do not remember this, but my husband said I did not take it well.  Really?  I do not remember that, but I do remember about a year later it hit me kind of hard.

I do know this.  It is easier for me than others who are close to a loved one.  My life isn't changing really besides mentally.  I pray for those who do have hardships during the holidays, because while yes, this is a hard holiday this year, it is by no means any comparison to what others are going through, I know that.  My thoughts, prayers and heart go out to those that are hurting this year.


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