It makes reasons I've had issues with anyone seem so petty. Sure, some issues are bigger than others, and there are still things that are not in my control to mend.
I wonder how often my own emotions are driven by my own insecurities.
Such a kind outpouring by relatives, and I have not spoken to those I would have expected not to have spoken to, and that is okay. I actually have no idea how to even contact them, like my brother, although I am sure I could figure it out. However, I am not looking for drama right now.
I think my aunt, on my dad's side, was the only one who seemed to not really question that I was going to be at my mother's funeral. She had left a message saying we could stay with her and a number of other very generous things. I could not talk to her, they are hard to talk to on the phone, so I sent a text last night that I did not believe I would be going. ,
I told her there would be people there that would rather not see me, I had not seen my mother since I was 18, per her choice, and it would be too traumatic. I do not know if she understands but does she need to? It does not change our relationship at all as far as I know.
I do feel a lot better, so far, today. I have done normal things since I have gotten up (it is almost 10 am), I am not weepy, and I feel good.
Will I stay this way? I imagine not, I am sure it will be an up and down process and the worst may be ahead. I am unsure if anyone can tell me what to expect, if I will fall apart in the future - tomorrow, in a year, ever. I hope I do not. I remember with my Dad, I do not remember this, but my husband said I did not take it well. Really? I do not remember that, but I do remember about a year later it hit me kind of hard.
I do know this. It is easier for me than others who are close to a loved one. My life isn't changing really besides mentally. I pray for those who do have hardships during the holidays, because while yes, this is a hard holiday this year, it is by no means any comparison to what others are going through, I know that. My thoughts, prayers and heart go out to those that are hurting this year.