Glass Full

I feel so different right now, and it takes energy to try to explain to my husband when I act differently, when he acts strangely because of how I act.  The thing is, I really don't care what he thinks.  More later if I remember.

I feel...like my glass is full, but not like in the half full/half empty way.  Like I cannot take on any more, not even empathy for another person.  Actually, my life would be less painful in general if I could give up a just a bit of empathy.  I would gladly bestow it upon my husband.

I have no tolerance for unnecessary negativity.  I read the news daily, at a time of my choosing.  Yet when I turn on the television, at a non-news time of the day on a non-news network, they are talking about Trump.  Love/hate, it does not matter and I do not care.  Who wants all of this negativity ALL OF THE TIME?  Here is the thing - go ahead and be upset if someone wants to I guess, because love him or hate him, the things that are being said are going to make both groups angry for one reason or another.

But what is the PURPOSE?  Since this is not only news for the masses but broadcast television during any kind of program at all hours (I am talking about non-news networks) , are people preparing to protest?  Or simply watch and get angry?  And if it is the latter, why put yourself through it?  There is absolutely nothing that can be done.  Buy a membership to a cause you care about and move on.  Is it directly affecting your life RIGHT THIS MOMENT?  Or is the media feeding unnecessary fear and anxiety to all of us?

I just can't deal with it.  I do not need more.  Get it the FUCK out of my life.  If there is nothing that I can do, shut the hell up and do the entertaining you are paid to do.  As I have always done, I will CHOOSE when I would like to catch up on current events, and it will not be from entertainment sources.

I get that people have a lot of hatred that they want to stew about, be gleeful about when they hear hatred, but some of us just want to get through the day and end on a positive note.

WHY live life with hatred?  Why?  I would never accept something I did not believe in, but stewing in it and letting it make me mad and more angry day after day - that is simply not healthy at all.

And *I* have to put up with this bullshit because other people won't shut the fuck up.

I promise that was not being political about Donald Trump - I am 100% indifferent about him because right now it is not in me to care until I need to.

It is about getting out of my personal space and spewing hatred that I understand but I have NO CHOICE if I want to hear it or not.

I have ZERO TOLERANCE left.

I have NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE.

I have VERY LITTLE EMPATHY - if any?  I have never experienced this before.

I am at the knot at the end of the rope and hanging on for dear life.

Such a totally mundane occurrence that rocked my world today...

It started boringly enough.  Mark was in a looooooong traffic jam - he waited for hours.  He called after about an hour or so in traffic.  I happened to see on television what it was, called him and told him, then hours later he called me back.

But it was what he said that bothered me.  He said that at the point they forced him to take another exit, he looked and saw at the same time they cleared the road.  He then announced in a dramatic and pained (and 100% serious and annoyed) way that "He had the WORST luck in the world".

He called JUST to tell me that....he had the WORST luck in the world.  Because of that.

Well obviously he must call me when these things happen normally, I have no idea, and I must have some sort of reaction that is appropriate.  At that moment, I was dumbfounded.  I did not know what reaction he expected from me.  So I said, "I guess it was meant to be that you cleared the traffic right now."

Wow, that was definitely the wrong answer, and I found out right away!  He said he should have known not to call me and quickly got off the phone.

I thought about the exchange for awhile.  How petty, I was thinking, and yet, I know being petty is not unlike him at all.  Of course, I assumed he was exaggerating,  but seriously, this was yet another sign that the universe was against him? (I do not say this in jest).

Is it becoming clear yet that I have no empathy yet?

For some kind of explanation, it was very similar to when I was so, so depressed for months - I mean severely depressed.  At first, I tried my best to act like nothing was wrong until I forgot how I used to act when I was "normal".  That is exactly what this is like, yet different.

I do not want to end my life, I am not in the throes of despair, I do not think the world is a horrible place to live in, there is no pain that is never ending.  Yes, there is a lot of pain, but it is so, so complicated.  If could put it in words I would, but right now I do not understand what I am going through at all.

So a little later, I called him back.  I told him it was not in me right now, whatever he was looking for.  To be upset over something like that.  And I told him I had just realized something.  I was doing my best in trying to find positives - or just ANY positive in DEATH!

I said his reaction was normal and mine probably was not.  Was I being honest in that his reaction was normal?  And mine wasn't?  Who knows.  I do know that his world is not ending over TRAFFIC.  Wow.  If only.  If only that was the worst thing that could happen to someone.

I know he is trying, he really is.  Sometimes I think he just does not understand - he has never lost a single person close to him.  But he seems like....a crying baby but he does not see it.  He thinks he is this soldier, that he keeps everything in, he has no needs and honestly thinks he asks for absolutely nothing from me.  Yet even just that simple telephone conversation - he expected something from me.  It is so weird that I do not even know what it is I normally do, but I give him something during times like that.  I guess some confirmation of how hard his life is, how bad his life sucks.

Yet, it did not occur to me to give that to him today, nor does it even seem appropriate right now.  And what is it that I normally do say anyway?  Obviously it is not a "Pollyanna" response, which I would have known - that is my normal self, and he hates when I act like "Pollyanna" in response to things he says.

He does not realize how often he complains and requires a response.  But not *any* response, the "correct" one.  The one I have been trained over the years to give.

But it is so not in my right now.  To even care.  About that.  About so many trivial things.  I have nothing to give.  I cannot remember ever feeling this way in my entire life.

I feel like....he is being kind by "tolerating me", although that is my perception and probably just how he comes off, he is in no way a people person.  He gets an F on interpersonal skills, on knowing on to sooth and comfort - not just me, anyone.

He complained Sunday night about HIS needs, because I said I did not want to be alone Sunday night.  We were both at home, but he is an introvert - a borderline Asperger's Syndrome....individual?  He said HE needed his introvert time.  I never ever say this, because he needs so much damned alone time.  I said what about MY needs (because I am an extrovert.)  I told him MARK - it has been a WEEK since my mother died and you are complaining to me because I simply do not want to be alone?  All that I wanted was not to sit in a room - the living room - by myself.  He wanted to be in his office doing what he likes to do best, play video games.

So sure, he came into the living room where I was, sat on the couch, but crossed his arms and stared straight ahead in a huff and puff.  That made me SO mad.  I told him if it was someone he was close to, MY need would be to fill HIS hurt, HIS needs.

I was crying, yelling, ordered him out of the living room, that he was making it worse, I could not stand to be in the same room with him and would much rather be alone.  It was completely true, I did not want to be with him then.  Why do I have to feel like he is always "doing me a favor" just to be in the same room with me?!?

I am really reevaluating my relationships right now and they have become so much more precious than they ever have before.  Yes, I am complaining about Mark, but still, I do not know what I would do without him.  And one day, he will lose someone he loves, and I will be there for him.

There is a great part of a monologue at the beginning of American Psycho that reminds me of him right now. For as long as I live, I will never forget these haunting words.

Patrick Bateman (Christian Bale), at the end of a long monologue, states, "...there is an idea of a Patrick Bateman, some kind of abstraction, but there is no real me, only an entity, something illusory, and though I can hide my cold gaze and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable: I simply am not there.” 


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