Mark is being such a sweetheart. Really, I could not ask for more supportive people in my life right now. His family, my family that I am connected with - everyone is very supportive and understanding of how I might be feeling about the passing of my mother's passing.
Yet...no one can go through it but me, and there is no one to go through it with me. I can't explain how it feels or expect anyone to understand because it was such a complicated relationship, so my
feelings are complicated and I am unsure what exactly I am supposed to be feel.
Maybe there is no right or wrong.
Right now, I feel both sad and weepy and nauseated at the same time, as if I threw up I might feel better. That is what I mean, like I have the flu, but I do not think I do. Going the other way is way worse, but again, I do not think I am sick. Perhaps it is my nerves/emotions internally making me sick physically.
I have no plans to attend my mother's funeral - I do not have some big need to say goodbye. I think it would be a lot more traumatic both right now and in my memory to go to her funeral. I certainly do not think she would expect or even want me to be there.
Music has always been such a huge part of my life. It seems like it has always been playing in the background my entire life. One of the first songs I can remember playing was in the car with her. It seemed like it was ALWAYS playing on the radio in the car. Perhaps because it was a Beatles song, and no doubt it WAS playing all of the time on radio stations at that time. I looked it up on the internet to see what year that would have been - wow, 1970? So basically my entire life I remember music playing.
This is a fitting song, actually. Paul McCartney wrote it about his own mother. This is what she used to tell him when he was worried.