Let It Be

I don't, but it feels like I have the flu or some sort of physical ailment.  I have spent the weekend in my warm two piece pajamas while snow has been falling outside.  Smally, cuddly Bailey has been following me around everywhere I go, I am not sure if he always does this.  I do not think the the degree he is now, and I certainly do not WANT him to at the degree he is now.  I want him by me all of the time, and he is obliging without my saying a word.

Mark is being such a sweetheart.  Really, I could not ask for more supportive people in my life right now.  His family, my family that I am connected with - everyone is very supportive and understanding of how I might be feeling about the passing of my mother's passing.

Yet...no one can go through it but me, and there is no one to go through it with me.  I can't explain how it feels or expect anyone to understand because it was such a complicated relationship, so my
feelings are complicated and I am unsure what exactly I am supposed to be feel.

Maybe there is no right or wrong.

Right now, I feel both sad and weepy and nauseated at the same time, as if I threw up I might feel better.  That is what I mean, like I have the flu, but I do not think I do.  Going the other way is way worse, but again, I do not think I am sick.  Perhaps it is my nerves/emotions internally making me sick physically.

I have no plans to attend my mother's funeral - I do not have some big need to say goodbye.  I think it would be a lot more traumatic both right now and in my memory to go to her funeral.  I certainly do not think she would expect or even want me to be there.

Music has always been such a huge part of my life.  It seems like it has always been playing in the background my entire life.  One of the first songs I can remember playing was in the car with her.  It seemed like it was ALWAYS playing on the radio in the car.  Perhaps because it was a Beatles song, and no doubt it WAS playing all of the time on radio stations at that time.  I looked it up on the internet to see what year that would have been - wow, 1970?  So basically my entire life I remember music playing.

This is a fitting song, actually.  Paul McCartney wrote it about his own mother.  This is what she used to tell him when he was worried.




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