I have thrown myself into Christmas decorating this year. I made a list of about 20 things I wanted to get done in my planner. I have been told not to do that with my business - it adds overwhelming stress that I can not deal with. Why in the world I thought it would be okay for my personal life I had no idea.
I did get my listings back on the online ecommerce site where I have my shop and sold a wreath, but this is now the slow season. That is a good thing for me actually. It feels good to have a "job" again.
So...I have time to decorate this year, even though it is late in the year. I cannot remember the last time I have decorated like I am now. I made this extravagant mail swag, which I was then going to make a huge bow to place on top of the swag, on top of the mailbox.
It was SO SO bitterly cold yesterday. Let me start by saying - as crazy as this sounds, I am allergic to very cold weather. It triggers my asthma. My asthma wasn't triggered, but later I could not figure out what was wrong with me.
Anyway, it was perhaps 2:00am and I was outdoors taking measurements of everything about the mailbox and the post. The temperature was in the negative with the windchill even colder. Sure, I felt it, but I was quick.
I then had SO much fun! I came inside and grabbed my sketchbook and colored pencils and made several sketches with measurements with what I wanted, browsing pinterest and all things internet for inspiration. I have tons of materials so it really came down to what I had on hand and not so much what I saw besides general design.
I loved sketching, using my colored pencils (but even though I have 128 colored pencils, I STILL do not have the exact shades I need? What the freaking HELL? That was really frustrating.) I need to do more sketching before making new wreaths, if for no other reason, I love it and it saves a ton of time when I start cold turkey with a new project.
But I was in super perfectionist mode - the all encompassing "I can do this as good if not better than a professional designer". Who the hell do I think I am? So of COURSE it took me tons of time.
I *finally* got the swag done, went BACK out into the arctic air and was then out for quite a long time. Had my tools - wire, wire cutters, tape measure - professional everything. I was thinking..."I definitely do not look like the once-a-year decorate my house kind of person".
You know, what if I did? What if I was, am? I actually kind of am. So what? What is wrong with that?
So...that added to my problems, stress, sickness.
Went back inside, took an Imitrex for now what was becoming a migraine.
Started what I thought was going to be this beautiful, perfect, huge designer bow to place atop my Christmas mailbox swag. Note: I have NEVER made a bow this large. As a matter of fact, after years of trying and trying to make multiple loop bows, I finally figured it out this fall and have only made a few much smaller ones.
I have also only made one or two with double ribbon - two different colors of ribbon at the same time. This had two ribbons and I had planned it to be about 16 inches across.
It was a disaster. I tore it apart, tried 10 inches. Better, but not perfect, not even close. I was SO frustrated, disgusted with myself. I had to walk away. It was nowhere what I envisioned. I was NOT *perfect*.
What a disaster. I was such a failure.
I got up this morning, looked at it, and you know what? For my first bow that large and the very first one I have EVER done like that, it is actually REALLY good. No, not perfect, but GOOD ENOUGH. I have always, ALWAYS tried to work on that with my wreaths. But see, this was not a wreath, this was decor for my home, my craftsmanship on display for the neighborhood.
Still...good enough. I am going to happily put it on the mailbox today - when it warms up. : )
All of this about a stupid mailbox. I also sat with my head in my hands and cried, really cried about my mother passing away. No particular memory was really on my mind, and I cannot say what triggered it. It just happened. Maybe I was tired, frustrated, maybe there was no reason at all for it to happen.
I am trying to just go with it. Feel what I feel when I feel it. SO foreign to me, I am used to pushing things down and getting mad at myself for feeling anything unpleasant. Not this time.
No one is able to tell me what my grieving process will be, only that it may be complicated. It is very sporadic.
However, the anger has for the most part has subsided and that feels good. But there is absolutely nothing else good about it at all.