Mom - December 9, 2016

I have not quite processed this yet, not really sure how to.  There have been tears, confusion, a lot of moments I have caught myself staring into the distance.

Mark and I were on the way to counseling and I checked Facebook, just out of habit when I am bored.  I had a message from my mother's husband.  I read it, and reread it.  I said "Oh. My. God." out loud, which Mark wanted to know right away what was wrong, but I was unable to say the words right away.

Finally I told him what the message said.  My mother passed away unexpectedly in her sleep.  He left his number, and I do understand why he sent it in a Facebook message - it is the only way he knows how to contact me.

I am glad we were on the way to counseling.  I was able to talk about it with her and she was so helpful.  Of course it is hard, it is very hard.  But also, it is strange that in the last couple of days, my mind has been thinking of her passing away for absolutely no reason, or so I thought.

Our marriage counselor, who used to be my individual therapist, told me if I felt any sort of relief from her passing, it was okay, not to feel bad about that.  Of course I am sad, but there is a part of me that does feel a bit lighter.  There is no longer this person in the world that hates me and that says bad things about me and manipulates people against me.  If she ever did, I guess she did, I don't know, I am confused now.

She said it is natural to forget the bad times and suddenly only remember good times when someone passes, but to not forget - there were very bad times.  Maybe this all sounds so terrible of her to say, is it?  She was only 66.  But she said the strangest things to me, like a long time ago she vowed I would never again see her alive, so I would always remember her as beautiful.  My therapist asked me didn't I think that was a strange thing to say?  I don't know, but she kept her promise.

I did something I would have never thought I would be able to do, and that was to call her husband.  He had left his number with the message.  I was taken aback when I spoke to him.  He was so upset he could hardly talk, it was a mixture of choking back his crying while talking.  In a way, it makes me feel better that she was so loved, but on the other hand it makes me so sad that he is in such unbearable pain.

I asked if he knew, because she had passed away unexpectedly in her sleep, how/why she had died.  He said they had performed the autopsy and had the results but had not given them to him yet.  He rambled about some sort of excuses they gave him (small town Kansas - reasons that wouldn't fly here make sense there I guess) and said they were supposed to tell him tomorrow.  Mark suggested drugs, but I told him I believe that toxicology reports take six weeks.

That's it.  I have nothing more to write about at this time.

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