One Week

I have good moments, and then suddenly out of nowhere, a not so good moment.  It isn't really "out of nowhere", there is always a trigger of some sort, but the trigger effects me out of nowhere.

Like right now.  I got up this morning, ready to get to work on anything, everything, feeling good.  I picked a random Christmas station to listen to and a song I have listened to a thousand times - Hallelujah - just brought tears to my eyes.  I am sad now.  Why?

I normally do not, actually ever really, reach out to my relatives.  But I am now.  Maybe I appreciate them now.  Or more.  I want to be close to them now.  More.

Wow.  I turned Christmas radio stations and guess what is starting from the beginning?  Hallelujah.  The thing is - I LOVE THE HECK out of that song.  Why does it make me want to cry NOW?

A few days after my mother passed away, I felt her presence.  At the time, I do not remember thinking about it in particular, but it was so strong it was suffocating.  I did not WANT to feel her presence at that moment, but it was so very strong.  Suddenly it felt SO CLOSE, I want to say maybe two feet above me, it was unreal - so surreal.

I know people feel this and it brings them great calm, they love feeling that they are in the presence of their loved one.  For me?  I didn't understand it.  I looked around through her eyes, but she was seeing.

Wow, this is hard.  My cousin who is a few years younger than me is wise beyond her years is so right in what she told me.  More wise than what my two therapists told me.  I will expand on that later, but it is nothing earth shattering.  She lost both of her parents, both tragically - and one in the most tragic way I can ever imagine (my aunt).

Kind of changing the subject, I spoke to my mother's husband again.  I call him because....I guess it is because of course I want to find out the cause of her passing and also to check on him.  He is so, so sad and in every word a grieving spouse.

He said he had been back to the cemetery and left a few more roses for my mother (it was only 6 degrees in Kansas yesterday).  He said something that I can relate to - he bought both himself and his dog new throws to keep warm.  I LOVE buying new throws for Bailey and I to snuggle in on the couch.  I buy too many, but there is nothing like having new things to cuddle with in Chicago (suburbs) when it gets so cold!

I apologized for not being at the funeral and decided to be totally honest.  I told him I knew that there were people who most likely did not not want to see me.  He completely and absolutely shocked me with what he said.  Very forcefully he said No, STOP!  Do not say that again!  There were so many people who asked about you and would have loved to see you.  You are part of MY family now.  He said more but I do not remember what that might have been.  I do remember how it made me feel - good.  But sad.  I do not want HIM to be sad, but I know only time can help.

We had a Christmas party that I had been looking forward to for a really long time, but since I was feeling so good, I had thought I should call him.  After the call, I thought...what am I doing?  My mother passed away only a week ago and I am going to celebrate at a Christmas party?  It didn't seem right and suddenly I did not want to nor feel like getting ready and going to have a "good time".

I am surprised at the amount of people who have been checking on me when really, I am okay.  Most of the time.  I am never in the throes of depression, I just get sad.

You know what a really weird trigger for me is?  The grocery store.  I think it has a lot to do with it being Christmas time, but I do not know.  Just everyone having somewhere to go, somewhere to be, people they are shopping for to get home to, they have not just lost someone important in their lives.

Of course, NONE of that may be true for all of them, any of them, but everyone seems like they have such a purpose, and when I am by myself, suddenly...I feel I have no purpose for being there.

This will be a good Christmas.  I will have moments maybe, but I have people in my life who care and that is something to celebrate.

And, OF COURSE, Jesus' birthday.

OMG - what is up with sad Christmas music on my normally happy music stations?  Time to switch to my own playlists - wow!

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